A place where I can live, breathe, talk and see

I love watching people. My Dad has the same (annoying) habit. :) I guess it runs in the family. :P If it's not because sometimes it would be considered as rude, I think I will make a serious hobby out of it. You know, like bird watching. But this is people watching. :D Or is it human watching ?

These characters are mostly picked when I am most bored. And have nothing else to do besides, well, watching people around me. So it doesn't have to be the weirdest looking/ dressed people, if they were dressed for the occasion (art performances or some sort), well, there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. I'm not saying that there's something wrong with these people I featured. It's just that, at that fateful moment, these people gives a little tug in my heart, and draws my sudden interest to them. :)


Anyway ...


Now I will make 1 serious step forward. Well, I think it's 2. 1, is to record it (I hope nobody would sue me for this :-S this is for entertainment purposes only .. :P) And 2, I'm publishing it, here. :D

And for occasions where I cannot snap at the object of my interest, I'll do a little sketch. :D

So here's the first entry.

An old lady I saw on the bus, with purple cotton-candy like hair, purple blouse in flower pattern and I swear she smells like candy!

"It seems to me now that the plain state of being human is dramatic enough for everyone; you don't need to be a heroin addict or a performance poet to experience extremity. You just have to love someone. " -Katie Carr, "How To Be Good" by Nick Horby

Some part of my body, somewhere near my heart (which not actually my heart, because I know it's in a perfectly healthy condition), is aching.
A simple sorry would mean the world to me..

But no, such word is like a myth. Maybe the man has never heard of it. Or even know what it means. Or what it means to me. If he ever cared about me.

And it hurts. And it hurts me more when I saw him right there and act all innocent. It hurts so bad but there's nothing I can do.

:'(

Can anyone refresh my memory on why would I go to such length as falling in love? On taking the risk of loving, at the same time you also have assigned yourself to the exclusive experience of pain. And not just the usual kind of pain. If feels like something (or somebody) is ripping off some part of your internal organs in the upper abdomen area. Damn it hurts ..

:'(

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Kami yang kini terbaring antara Krawang-Bekasi
tidak bisa teriak “Merdeka” dan angkat senjata lagi.
Tapi siapakah yang tidak lagi mendengar deru kami,
terbayang kami maju dan mendegap hati ?

Kami bicara padamu dalam hening di malam sepi
Jika dada rasa hampa dan jam dinding yang berdetak
Kami mati muda. Yang tinggal tulang diliputi debu.
Kenang, kenanglah kami.

Kami sudah coba apa yang kami bisa
Tapi kerja belum selesai, belum bisa memperhitungkan arti 4-5 ribu nyawa

Kami cuma tulang-tulang berserakan
Tapi adalah kepunyaanmu
Kaulah lagi yang tentukan nilai tulang-tulang berserakan

Atau jiwa kami melayang untuk kemerdekaan kemenangan dan harapan
atau tidak untuk apa-apa,
Kami tidak tahu, kami tidak lagi bisa berkata
Kaulah sekarang yang berkata

Kami bicara padamu dalam hening di malam sepi
Jika ada rasa hampa dan jam dinding yang berdetak

Kenang, kenanglah kami
Teruskan, teruskan jiwa kami
Menjaga Bung Karno
menjaga Bung Hatta
menjaga Bung Sjahrir

Kami sekarang mayat
Berikan kami arti
Berjagalah terus di garis batas pernyataan dan impian

Kenang, kenanglah kami
yang tinggal tulang-tulang diliputi debu
Beribu kami terbaring antara Krawang-Bekasi

Chairil Anwar (1948)
Brawidjaja, Jilid 7, No 16, 1957


[Krawang-Bekasi]
--translated by Burton Raffel

We who are lying, now, near Krawang-Bekasi,
We can no longer cry out “Freedom,” no longer lift our rifles

But who cannot still hear our moans?
Still see us marching forward, unafraid?

We speak to you out of the suspended silence of evening
When the chest feels empty, when clocks tick away time

We died young. All that remains of us: bones covered with dust.
Remember, remember us!

We’ve tried, done all we could
But the job isn’t finished, is hardly begun

We’ve given the lives we had
The job isn’t finished, no one can count up, still, the meaning of four thousand,
of five thousand lives

We are only scattered bones
But they belong to you
And you will decide the value of these scattered bones
Either we died for freedom, for victory, for hope

Or for nothing.
We don’t know, we can no longer say
Only you can speak, now

We speak to you out of the suspended silence of evening
When the chest feels empty, when clocks tick away time

Remember, remember us—
Let our lives live on
Guarding Soekarno
Guarding Hatta
Guarding Sjahrir

We are corpses
Give us meaning
Keep watch over the frontier between reality and illusion

Remember, remember us
Who survive only in these bones covered with dust
Thousands of us, lying near Krawang-Bekasi.


．Burton Raffel, ed. & trans., The Complete Poetry and Prose of Chairil Anwar,
Albany : State University of New York Press, 1970, pp. 126-129.

It strikes me this morning, while I'm doing the Spa layout while glancing at google thinking of what I want to read and search today, and absorbing my drifting thoughts and chatted online with my hubby and friends *yes, I am a multitasker, and a good one, that is ;)*. And it strikes me that I need a new camera. A pocket camera with a good wide angle.

YES.

It's just that I'm reminiscing my GoodLorax blog, and thinking what a nice photo objects we have here in this squeaky clean sunny little island, and thinking about other trips that me and my husband are planning in the future, and what a nice angles I took *smug* and thinking it would be great for my art-culture-travel review if I had a good camera, with wide angle, of course.

It's a lame excuse maybe, but at least I got one. :D

Anyway, after that I'm doing a research on a few wide angled prosumer cameras (it's like a crossbreed between pocket camera and DSLR), and found this 2 candidates, Ricoh Caplio GX-200, and Panasonic Lumix DMC-LX3.

After a couple of hours of browsing, I kind of lean on to this LX3. Although I do consider a few other options like Nikon Coolpix P90, Canon Powershot SX10 IS, and Lumix FZ28 ..

After a few more hours of web page flipping and reading, I stumbled into the famous Xiaxue blog. I've heard about her before from a friend that described her as "the blogger who got famous after posting her nose job pics on her blog", but haven't got the chance to look and read her blog.

And I did, just now.

And guess what I found? :D

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Lumix LX3 !!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Omigod, she's using Lumix LX3 !! I think this is some sort of fate, or revelation, or whatever. And in her blog she said that Rozz (from 98.7, from Shan & Rozz, the afternoon radio show that I always listened to), is also using this LX3 !!

Wow..

:)

I know this is some kind of sign. :)

Anyway, I think I will definitely buy this camera if my husband got that new job. You know, bigger income, more money to spend on fun. :D Because this camera is quite pricey. I looked over a couple of online stores in Singapore, and they sell it at the range of 680 - 700 SGD. Quite pricey, but I think it would definitely worth every cents.


*sigh*

"cross fingers and hope that hubby will get the job ..*



It looks just like another pocket camera, but see that sticker that says 24 mm WIDE ANGLE? Geez..

It makes all the difference. Just take a look at the picture below (taken from http://www.sammiller.net/Blog/Digital-Camera-Wide-Angle-Lens-Comparison).

I took the 35 mm picture as comparison, because most cameras uses this lens, including my hubby's, and my current camera.

Unless I wanted to upgrade to DSLR (which I don't want to do, because of the weight and size and price factor), I think LX3 is the best choice around (for me).

Don't you ever feels that these past few months has been so weird and unexpected? Since November last year I feel like the future is so unpredictable that I wouldn't make any plans even for the next 3 months. Its just too risky.

And its just not fit my liking as newlyweds to unable to plan for anything. I need to plan. I need to collect money, I need to get pregnant, I need to buy a house, I need to buy a car, I need to save to get a proper medical care, and I need to save to be able to give our child the best of environment, food, health care and education.

I can't even take advantage of my free complementary honeymoon stay at Banyan Tree (YET!) and I'm too timid and cautious not to book any cheap promotional airplane tickets for August and beyond.. This whole thing becomes more and more overwhelming to me.

But as for now, I'm just drifting away with the current, and silently pray that I will still have my job tomorrow ..

Come to think of it, it's satirically funny. So now I really realize that the world IS round, and so does wheel.

And how does this affect my so-called "married-life" ?

I do feel changed after getting married. And with all the retrenchments looming around, and pay cut breathing down my neck, I'm most certainly are changed.

I become obsessed with saving, I get irritated easily, and I can no longer be happy with the sight of the stars, or by the vivid greens of leaves. It used to be my secret longing and indulgence.

I'm trying to be back to my old relaxed & grateful & easy-to-please self, and try to see even the thinnest silver lining in the skies.. :)

Sometimes i wonder why we're so busy w/ the fake capitalistic beauties surrounds us, busy earning money to get more unnecessary pleasures and beauties, while we can get all the best things in life for free? Like the magnificent skies, the moon and the stars .. And a warm and joyful heart cause by the sight of a baby's smile, a dear friend's joke, or the warm hug of our loved ones.

Did you know that Michelangelo created the statue of David at the age of 29? And the other day I read about Lady Gaga, this new singer that was noted to be a very talented singer song-writer, that some say she'll be the Madonna of the future, is only 22 years old! Somehow some people already done so much in such an early start; and here I am 28 years and 2 weeks old, still haven't done anything significant, and it got me thinking, am I just wasting my time in this world? :-S

I surely hope not.

I may not travel the globe, I may not going to much of an interesting adventures, I may not be a visionary, and I may not the richest girl in the world; but I have my family, my loved ones, my friends. And I earn enough halal money to live a decent normal life in Indonesia, and that's good enough for me.

I'm still struggling to be "somebody", though I still don't know how to do that just yet. I really want to leave my mark in this world, in a good way, that when I die, some people would still remember me as not just somebody, but somebody who has done a good thing for the world.

Maybe later, Insya Allah when I have enough money, by building a mosque, or an orphanage, or some house for the elderly.. But I want to do something for the world, if not for the people around me..

Yesterday is the first day of Chinese New Year. The first day of year of the Ox.

As the few last days of the year of the Rat hasn't been very nice to me, I have high hopes in this year of the Ox that I'd have a good fortune throughout the year.

Despite of my high hopes and how grateful I am if I really do have a good fortune this year, my human greed part of brain is telling me, how lucky and how much fortune can I get in a recession time like this?

In a global recession, can it actually be a recession? I mean, we can say that it's a recession if someone is having less than the other. But now, everybody's money is lessening. So the entire world is getting poorer, and when everybody has less, then it should still be normal right? :)

I've been trying to understand God lately.

What I've read, seen, experienced lately has either confuse me or scared me. And both are not some kind of feeling that I fond of.

It all started with me trying to find God. And I browse through shelves of books on spirituality, from Buddha and Dalai Lama to Mother Theresa and Eckhart Tolle.. But then I ended up with a biography of His last Messenger, Muhammad. Because I thought, if I really wants to find God, I should start with the closest person to God, which is Muhammad. I read Mohammad's biography, and found how life, even Muhammad himself, as the best amongst humans, are vulnerable. And how Muhammad, is guiding his life and path to the real victory by having a strong faith in God, and surrender everything in the Hands of God. And how our judgment, is so short-termed, shallow and stupid, and truly, most humans don't know the REAL good thing when it's standing right before him.

After that, I read this books titled The World Without Us, by Alan Weisman. This book, really is a revelation. It actually is a non-fiction book covering the main theme of what happens to the earth when human beings disappear. But for me, the book manage to covers not only the scientific aspects of what happens to the world after we're gone, but also the human nature and it evokes a deep religious and philosophical thinking. In short, a really good book. :)

Quoting from the book :

"I can't imagine a more appropriate setting." he says, "to describe what amounts to genocide. In my lifetime, millions of people slaughtered in death camps, from Europe's Holocaust to Darfur, are proof of what our species is capable of. My 50-year career has been absorbed by the extraordinary loss of huge animals whose heads don't appear on these walls. They were all exterminated, simply because it can be done. ..."

and, :

The matter is more complicated than a killer instinct that never relents until another species is gone. It involves acquisitive instincts that also can't tell when to stop, until something we never intended to harm is fatally deprived of something it needs. We don't actually have to shoot songbirds to remove them from the sky. Take away enough of their home or sustenance, and they fall dead on their own.

While reading the book, I get too carried away, at some point I even hate humans. :)) And I start thinking about God again, about Angels, and what did they think about humans, and are they ever regret for choosing us as Khalifah's of the World..

And I became really curious, about what God's plan behind all this.. Why God let us humans slaughtered all the magnificent creature that He once created? Why God let us human to keep on doing damage in this world, suffocated His other perfect creation to death, hunt them to extinction, and poison the entire Earth?

If I were God, I'd be very disappointed. I'd be very angry. But I'm not God. And I know that God has the most beautiful plan for all of us.

When I started my search of God, the Economic Crisis has been looming around for a couple of months. And now, as the Great Wall of Capitalism is falling around me, one of it's gracious brick fell right smack into my right foot, not enough to hurt me, but enough to startle and wake me up.

My friends got laid off right in front of me.

I knew that people being laid off, and I knew that the economy is bad, but looks like all of those things are only happening in TV. In my little world, nothing could go wrong, and I could live forever.. :P But this, really got me thinking.

This job, which I consider is pretty good; the one job that once got me thinking about re-assessing my wedding plans; the one job that I could count on; the one job where I can actually see it as my ladder to the peak of my precious career; is nothing but a mirage that can disappear anytime now.

And now I really understand, that life IS vulnerable. And we shouldn't count on anything but God, and only God. Because God can turn one life's around in a single second, and we have no power whatsoever on our lives. That's why, just like Muhammad (PBUH), we should just try our best, and always have faith in God, that God would never neglect us, and will always provide with what's best for us.. :))

And what relates Global Warming with Global Economic Crisis? Very easy. This Global Economic Crisis, I think its God's beautiful way of fixing human's harm to Earth and teach all of us to be a better person. In a hard way.

No economy, no factories, no pollutions, no CO2s.

This is even better than Alan Weisman's extreme solution of exterminating humans from Earth. And my friends, who were being laid off, are all part of God's masterplan to revive Earth to it's glory.

With a lower income than before (or no income at all), humans are trying to adapt by consume less, recycle more, and .. I don't know. Maybe have more time to spend with their families?

It's not that bad after all, right? :)

Today I'm having a powerful encounter with a very unique, unpredictable and strong character. This character, is so unique and unpredictable, it's like nothing I've ever met before. I thought the world is only in black and white, but they do have greys.

This character is so unique, I can't even decide must I like or hate. And I decide to 10% like, and 90% just abstain. But I tend to like this character.

Anyway, this unique, unpredictable, strong character teaches me something really important.

1. Plan your future well. Plan what you want for your career and your life. Don't put your fate in the hands of others. This is a very strong statement, and I do admire this character for being able to really stand up for this principle. But I do want to be strong and firm like this as well. So maybe I'll try.. :)

We talked a lot, and I say to her, that I thought the only way to get a significant salary and position raise is by moving to another company. But this character said that it doesn't have to be like that. You can go up to the extend of going to your boss, and say to them that you need a raise, and here are the lists of things that I've done. And we can also compare ourselves with others at the same level, saying that we've done something better that this significant others and we'd definitely deserve to get something better.

2. Respect and think highly of yourself. Appreciate yourself, and others will do so also.

3. I am a valuable professional, and a great designer, and I should believe myself on this fact, as others also believe in me. I think this is one of the most flattering things that I've ever heard. This unique character, told me that I should be in a higher position that I have now. Because that's what she thought of me at first, and she felt that I was treated unjustly because I'm in the position that I am now, which should be higher. I already warn you that this character is very strong, and very unpredictable, and these words, coming out of this character, I should say is very flattering and encouraging. I do hope that this character is sincere with this statement, and meant nothing bad.

And anyway, this is the 2nd times that I heard this kind of statement, from an older and experienced and respected souls, so it must meant something right? :) RIGHT! So I must start believing in myself, and things that I can do, and move forward in the speed of light with my life.. :)

The other day I went to see Shigeru Ban's ContainArt at Marina Bay. It's interesting, how he use paper as a building material (he's been using it since 1986, can you imagine that?). And how he use building materials as part of the structure. In this case, he use the container as the wall, the structure and for creating space for the exhibition.

And then I read an article about him on Business Times Saturday. The most interesting part is when he say that building today is not as good as building 500 years ago. And his opinion about technology in architecture, design wise, technology (computer) can only make the design process faster, but not subsequently better.

In his opinion, we can create better architecture if only we spend a little more time designing, and a little more time building it.

:)

I miss my Grandmother so much lately.

I thought about her a lot.
And I thought about death.
And I thought about why I didn't try my best to come right on the day she's buried..

The truth is, ..

I'm scared. Scared that I won't be able to control myself, and just losing my self in a scary hole of hollowness. And hysterics. :(

And I want my last memory of my Grandmother is still her beautiful, healthy self. In fact, my last memory of her is not in a good condition, because she's terribly ill at that time. But at least she's alive at that time. And she's still be able to recognize me. And that's a good memory. And I want to keep it that way.

I bought her a perfume at that time. An expensive perfume that I know she'd love. She loves perfumes. And she get to smell it at that time.

I know it's a stupid gift. She's very ill. Apparently, dying. :( And I get her a perfume.

Oh God I miss her so much.. :((

The reason that I brought this topic up, is because I might not be able to visit her grave on Hari Raya. But I really wanted to.

What kind of granddaughter I am if I couldn't even visit her a year after her death? I really really want to visit her. Because I miss her so... much.. :((

I miss her much more now, than back then when she's still alive.. Maybe because right now, I know that I wouldn't be able to see her again.. :(

I want people to remember her. If not to know her, at least to know, that there once lived a wonderful woman named Sumarni. Although she might be just a little useless microscopic dot for the world, but I want the world to know, that I really really really love that microscopic dot. And to me, she means everything. To me, she's never a useless microscopic dot. She'll always be my star. She's my biggest star. Sometimes so close, sometimes so far, but nevertheless, always with me. Sometimes unreachable, but always reliable. I know she'll always be there, to watch over me, and love me.

Last week I'm back in Jakarta for a few days, and just realise that life in Jakarta, is an encapsulated life.

An encapsulated life, which put a distance between us and our Mother of Nature. Within these capsules, we're no longer touching the grounds, we're no longer caressing our Mother's womb, because some would consider it dirty. Within these capsules, we're no longer taking a deep breath and inhale the whole essence of life in the air, because, of course, it's highly polluted. Within these capsules, we're no longer touching the waters and drank joyfully from every other stream of water in sight. We can't do that, because, of course, it's contaminated with thousands of dangerous germs and chemicals.

We still can live "deliberately, to face only the essential fact of life" (as Thoreau once said) if you insist. As in, not living within the capsules. But I believe that you wouldn't live a long life. Simple as that.

The encapsulated life in Jakarta can be seen in many ways.

One of these capsules are cars. We were transported around the city within these. To make us move faster, to get us to places. Within these capsules we can create the environment we like. We do not interact with the ground, we do not interact with the air, nor the water, and we live happily inside our capsule. And life is good. For those living within. And for a short while.

Do you know how does it feel to walk alongside those capsules? Have you ever feel the hot air? The carbon dusts?

There's a balance for everything. And for the encapsulated joy that some people feel within, some would have to suffer the residue. The consequences.

And now, we are paying the consequences of capitalism. For the sins of the 1% which controls the 99% of the world.

Lately, people tend to ask me this question. I don't know why. Maybe because lately I develop this annoying habit of laughing at the wrong time.

But I just can't help it.

So now I'm trying to control this annoying habit, and really, think, before I type "hahaha" on yahoo messenger.

I thought I was doing pretty well until just now, my boyfriend ask me the question. "Why do you laugh?". Darn.

He called me, rather upset I think, after I text him that my plane will be delayed for 3 hrs, after before it called to change the flight time to 1.5 hour earlier.

I really don't know what to do. Because being angry never gives me good result, it doesn't give me the things I want anyway, so why bother? And my boyfriend ask me (with an upset tone), "So are the other passenger angry?". And there, I laugh. I laugh because I feel the irony. It actually is funny, in an ironic way. That these honorable passenger, the life and blood of this fucking airline (Mandala Air of Indonesia) are all being treated like shit, with an everchanging flight schedule, without even bother to inform the passenger with a proper sympathy or guilt or a real effort to make things better.

And even worse, none of these honorable passenger even give a proper reaction of anger. Including me, hahaha (this is an irony laugh). I think they're tired. I know I am. It would be like trying to tell a sheep to shave their own fur. It would be like trying to ask a stone to jump. Anyway, you know what I mean.

Even after the terrible plane crash accident in Manado, this fucking Mandala Airline of Indonesia doesn't even flinch to improve themselves. So, my honorable readers, this is the rotten fact of a rotten quality service of a rotten airline in Indonesia.

Last night I dreamt of my late Grandmother. Oh how I miss her.. :( She was amputated on both leg, but now she can stand up, and look much thinner and happier. Only shorter, which is okay, as long as she's happy and healthy. I hope she found health and happiness back there in the other realm, and I wish to Allah and the angels that may my Grandmother's fault are forgiven, and for Allah to take good care of her.. :)

Now back to my dream. She was laying down on her bed at first, with crumpled face. But then she receive a call, informing that my big brother had an accident, so she jumped to life instantly and get dressed.

Maybe I just miss her too much. Hope its not bad omen or something..

It's been almost 6 months since I've been living here. And I kinda liked it here. I may not have my family and boyfriend w/ me, but I always talked to him via messenger, and he come to visit me and I called him often. As for my family, they also visit me.. As for friends, I make new friends, meet new people, and always in touch w/ my friends through messenger also. In short, I'm happy enough w/ this arrangement.

And here, now, I feel like I'm changing. Turning into a better person, hopefully.

I feel like, I've become more sensitive to life's beauties. I've become more in touch w/ my inner self, more contemplative, mentally nourished and fulfilled.

I do still have my own problem at work, but who doesn't? There's no such thing as the perfect life, but its up to you to make it perfect for you.

In here, I don't feel so clueless and marginalized as in Jakarta. In here I learn a lot. I read, I listen to classical music, I went to museums, I watch art performances, and with all those I relaxed, and feel nourished.

In Jakarta I don't have an easy access to all those. My life rotates around work, going to the mall, and I have very limited access to information, and going places will be hell, or expensive, or both.

In short, like a plant, this city is like a well treated and fertilized soil which will allows me to grew big and bloom w/ lots of beautiful flowers and delicious fruits and lush leaves.

And I want to live here.

A dear friend has left us today. She decided to went back to her hometown, to re-live her dreams back there, and letting go of the so-called international career here. It's her own free choice.

I've been quite close to her. Having went out with her almost every weekends for the past 5 months. She's a good company, and very generous. And one thing I've learn from her, is to never under estimate others, and to always be humble.

She has a senior position in the office. But she never looked down at me, which obviously her junior, several ranks away from her. She always looked and talked to me as someone within her rank, and she makes me feel like I am very well appreciated. For my talents, for my intellectual quality, and for me as a human being.

And I like that feeling. It's very difficult to find a senior like that you know.

I feel like she believes in me, sometimes more that I can believe myself. She always told me that I'll reach her position one day, and that's why I need to prepare myself for that time since now. I was surprised. I never thought that a person like her can say such things to me.

She's truly is a dear friend. And the most important thing is, she believes in me. That's why I'm writing this as a little reminder to myself.

For me, not to forget that I should grew and learn to always be humble and kind, no matter high my position will be.
And secondly, as a reminder, that there's someone who actually believes in me, believe that I can do so many things, and that's why there's no reason that I shouldn't believe in what I can do. Because I CAN. :)

Thank you dear friend.

It's been a short 5 months, but it's been a great 5 months. And I believe that in that short 5 months is never a mistake as you might thought it would be, but a beautiful coincidence arranged by God, for me to learn these beautiful things from you, to meet such a lovely person as you, and for you, to know me, whatever it means to you.

:|

This whole morning I was thinking.. What would be the worst punishment ever given to a passionate designer..?

The answer is, to not to let them design. That is their worst nightmare.

It's like, asking a fish to breathe on air.

And that's exactly what I'm feeling. This morning. I feel like a fish taken out of the water and trying to breathe air. I can't. I can't. I'm desperate. I feel so down and low I'm going to cry. For once I'm so low I doubted myself.

But then, at the afternoon, my luck changed :). And I'm so glad of it.

The only thing that feels right is design. And you feel that you're truly at your elements when you design things. But then, there will be people telling you that you're not good enough.

But how can it be?

While the love and passion for design is still burning like hell's fire, how can the design be not good?

Well there are many many reason. Maybe you're just unlucky. Maybe you're still lacking of experience, but the talent is there. So you'd just have to practice more. Read more. See more.

But the most important thing is, try again. You can't stop everytime there's people telling you you can't, because then, you'll gone nowhere.

You go and do whatever your heart leads you. Ignore negativities, for it will poison and rot you slowly.

Fight for your love. Fight for what you love. Fight for you beliefs. :)

A few days ago I show my online portfolio to a friend. And he saw my little flickr photos slide show attached, at the top right corner.

xx : Are you into photography now?
me : ...
me : Nope. I just love capturing precious moments
xx : wow, your photos are very colorful
me : yeah, well that's how I see the world

This short conversation shows that :

1. I'm afraid of the word photography. Strange as it may seem, but in my head, that word correlates with highly expensive gadgets and whatever special techniques and buttons to press and knobs to turn which obviously I don't have any interest to buy or study. So, no, I'm not into photography. I just love capturing the moments, precious moments, my precious moments. And with my handy dandy pocket camera, I'm trying my best to freeze those moments the way I see it, and put it in my treasure box. And with the fact that I'm a sucker for composition, beauty, colors and photoshop, it makes my pictures has a few nice compositions and angles and colors and whatever. But no techniques, obviously.

2. I definitely love colors. :)) You can see it right away from my streams of pictures. That's why I became so fascinated by Bangkok. It's a damn colorful city and I'm loving every corner of it.

And today, I once again brought my faithful hand dandy pocket camera to the Waterfools show. A French water acrobatic show at Boat Quay, as an opening to the Singapore Art Festival for the whole month. I brought my camera, to capture the moments. The show starts at 8. It was a fascinating show and I enjoy it very very much. Then I took my camera and starts clicking away to capture the moments. But none of the clicks came out good. Maybe because of the lack of light and tripod. :( And then I thought why don't I just record the show on video? So then, I finally am capturing the moments, in videos. Which I think is a better media to capture the moments than photos, as you can see all the movements, and even listen to the music and fireworks play.

But you know what, none of the recording tools can really capture the essence of the show, with all its beauties. Nothing. Honestly!

What we capture on videos, and what we've seen on tv, is only 10% of the actual excitement and beauty. I just realize that fact when I replay the videos and comparing it with the memory of the show in my mind.

It's nothing compared to the real thing.

And on the contrary, a good photographs, can capture the moments really well. Sometimes even better than the actual condition. Which explains how often are we get fooled by jaw-dropping pictures of tourist destinations.

This topic has lingered my mind for quite a while, and I still haven't got the hold of the entire topic, but I thought I'll just blurt it out here. Just so you know. :P

As in the Secret has always said, don't underestimate the power of your mind. Visualize, and make yourself believe that you deserve whatever thing that you want. Be happy about it, and visualize, and you'll attract those things to come to you.

Well, then, explain this.

How can one who has a strong feeling for somebody else (I'm talking about love here) for quite a while, somehow fail to attract the object of one's affection? If our visualization and belief is so strong, the why we have unrequited love and obsession in this world?

* referring to my own experience of unrequited love and crazy infatuation * :D why?

In a book I read, the heroine said (more less), that we can never go wrong with a good book. We can be lost or lonely in foreign places, but with a good book to accompany us we'll always feel.. secure. I couldn't agree more with that. That's so true. And I also think that's why I always feel so happy and secure once I bought books I like.

Now it's getting worse, since I've known this very cool 2nd hand bookshop place which is full of all the titles I like at a very good price. Now it's like an addiction. I have my own rules that I won't buy another book if I haven't finish the one I'm reading right now, unless it's a very very good bargain, or something that has something to do with work or other life's emergencies.

But now, I bought new books once a week, especially when it's the weekend and I've no idea what to do. Once every 2 weeks if I've something else to keep me occupied. But books has always been my last resort. My best friend. Well, a best friend I can get comfort from(by reading it, of course) whenever I wanted and I don't have to give/ do something in return. Maybe books are the best invention for a selfish brat like me. Other than dildos, of course. But then again, I never had nor experience one (yet!), so books has always been on top of my list.

I just realised how much I hate airports.

Maybe I'm just being sentimental, but that's what I feel right now. Taking my baby brother to the airport, and having to say goodbye, it's just the hardest thing. I hate goodbyes, and basically I hate all the places where we should experience it. Especially with those close to our hearts. I always have this lonely, sulky, sinking feeling each time I leave those venues, more often are airports.

And with all those many shopping places, restaurants, executive lounges, are they supposed to make our goodbyes easier? It sure isn't working for me. The designer of these airports should've come up with better ideas you know. They should've known that none of these material things matters when we're separated with those close to our hearts. Maybe instead of more retail spaces, there should be more free world-wide payphones, mosques/ chapels or meditation spaces, or maybe if they really can't do anything to lessen the pain of goodbyes, at the very least they should've made the fastest getaway path out of the building, instead of making me walk through the long, out of proportioned and empty hallways, taking a few minutes sky train rides, went up and down the long escalator.. Instead they should've made a magical glass elevator like Willy Wonka's, that can transport me anywhere in a zap.

Oh well..

This last few weeks I had the craziest infatuation.

I'm about to be married in a year (or less), but here I am, lusting and blushing and get all flipped out over this person I never even talked to! Well, that's if the interview session isn't counted.. It's shameful, I know that. I cannot even talked about it to my friends, so I just let it out here.

The most embarrassing moment is today, at lunch. When we're having lunch with all the Indonesians, then I caught a glimpse of him. And then I pretend not to look at him, while my heart is doing a trapeze dance. And then my friends says hi to him, so I had to look at him and smile. And he smiles back.



...

...



And there.


My face's burning.


My heart stopped beating for a second.


And I couldn't breathe..


:DD *LOL* *sigh*




Jeez, it's been too long since the last time I had this crazy infatuations. The last I can remember is with Boni :D My first is with my brother's friend, the 2nd is also, the 3rd is with this guy at high school, and Boni, and now, 4 years later, HIM.

Oh I'm so ashamed!!!! :(((( My reactions are stupid and crazy, and yet I couldn't helped it! Maybe it's because I've been away from my boyfriend for far too long..?

It's fun, just not to get bored at the office, but I think I get over reacted, and my reaction is very embarrassing.. :(( I feel like a stupid lovesick puppy..

I need to get over this crazy infatuation, although I kind of liked the feeling :D Ah, the desperate girl.. So I searched on Google for his name, but the result is too many.. :P and I just don't have the heart to go browse one by one.

Anyway, I'll be back to update on this. Especially on his availability. :P

I met Surya Paloh today. He's checking out my design in a hair salon, on his gym session break, for a mere minute, shook my hand, tell me it's great, and walked away. Just like that.

After hours of preparations, several commuting routes from the supplier, an hour plus of waiting, and heaps of documents to carry along. Not that I'm complaining, but it's just.. Too much.

Anyway, it's the first time I talked to a celebrity. Not just the usual your everyday infotainment celebrities, but someone of high power and wealth. But then, he's still rank pretty low amongst other rich Indonesians.

Which got me thinking.. Me, who never gets anxious into being at proximity with someone famous, finally gets anxious! :)) So I'm not entirely immune to celebrity-dom after all...

Did you know how people who thought they are at a higher social & economic level than others tends to take others for granted? This act has been done by my boss, just to show (supposedly) me that he's better than me. Well, in age and wealth, that's definitely. He's a good a lot older and richer. And for some people, that kind of act may cause them to give more respect, but not me. I found that act ridiculous. And I've never pay respect for someone who wouldn't respect others.

No, the title isn't some figure of speech. The title clearly telling you that I am dreaming about Soeharto, last night. It's a weird dream, and I woke up instantly, because of the heat and the mosquito bites, of course.

After all it's not a bad dream, definitely not a nightmare, just a weird dream. Why would on earth I dreamt of Soeharto? I could've just dreamt of my late Grandmother, it's far better, and I miss her too.

In my dream, I was his grand daughter. He's sitting on a bench wearing black shirt, and I asked him how is he doing? He looked healthy and younger than he is now, and he told me he's fine. That's all I can remember. But maybe that's all. No more, no less.

Anyway, I looked up at dreamdoctor, and I checked on the dictionary under C, for Celebrity. Yep, Soeharto is a celebrity of his kind, whatever that is. And it said that it's a sign, that I'm going to be elevated into a celebrity level. Or a higher level than I am now. Woww.. I never even thought of it.. It sounds like a good idea though. Let's just hope so, and also hope for the best, that this is going to be a good sign for my new Singapore adventure.. :-D

I feel very weird this last few days.. I feel anxious and weird, and sad and bitter, and insecurity and doubt towards I don't know what..

I guess I'm losing my trust in him, but I don't know why..

I don't know where I went wrong. I don't know does God wants to tell me something, or this is just one of those low days, when I wasn't being myself..

" I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."

Pardon me for not being able to spot this image up to 10 months after the biggest flood in Jakarta.. I'm trying to, with my limited resorces, but I've tried.

And this is the very first publication of the sumur resapan diagrams I've ever seen.

We should have this picture socialized to the whole community months ago!! This image is do damn important, I wonder why people doesn't even care to apply this simple technique to make our world, our city, a better place.

It's the very least thing we can do...

I wanted to be the Wind, I wanted to be the Sun, I'll run recklessly chasing whatever dreams I got in my life.. I wanted to run up to the top of Everest and shouted to the whole world that I am capable of EVERYTHING.. And I'll be able to do whatever my heart told me, whenever I like.. No pretenses, no fake smiles, no blackened heart. I wanted to be free of everything, I wanted to be free of pain, of misery, of all the bad thought and bad things that poisoned the World. I wanted to be free, I wanted to be pure, I wanted to be sincere. I want to live in a world where no strategies, no lies, no deceit and no hypocrisy.. I wanted to live purely and innocently, in a pure world, with selfless people, kind and considerate as they'd always be..

Suddenly I feel tired of all this. Sick of having to depend so much on money. So I'd have to be either filthy rich, or so carelessly poor in the depth of rain forest in Kalimantan, dedicating myself to save the environment or try stopping the illegal logging, or just trying to educate the uncivilized tribes there, before they ate my flesh and hung my shrunkened head on a stick outside their village.. :))

I need tranquility, I need stability, I need comfort, and I need a peace of mind. I need to take a stroll up to a hill/ forest/ lake.. And just sit there watching the world spinning around me like there'll be no tomorrow.. And probably there won't be any, but at least I've made my peace.

I wanted to sit by my window, watch the sun goes down, blackened the skies, and just listen to the wind gushing and rain drops, doors banging and a distant human noises..

And I'm free.

I just saw the Golden Compass yesterday, and it's interesting that daemons and their humans can't be separated. Daemons are part of the human soul, and if they are to be separated, it'll drive each other crazy and they'd have to endured an excruciating pain to the level of death.

That's exactly how I feel when I don't see or at least talked to him. If we were living in the Golden Compass parallel world, I think I'm becoming his daemon, or he's becoming mine. This fact I learned yesterday, when I got mad at him over a thing, and I decided to ignore him. But the more I try to ignore & hate him, the more my heart aches. I'm trying to hurt him, but the fact that it hurts me also..

And then once again I pray to God, for God to show me the way, and to separate our hearts if we weren't meant to be, and to holds our hearts together if we're meant to be.. And apparently, later that night, the anger has gone and we're lovers again.. ;-)

The war against carbon gasses emissions has gone to an insane level, I think.

Not long ago I read about scientists has found that paddy (yes, our very own paddy, the one plant that Dewi Sri has given her name for) emits quite a significant number of carbon into the atmosphere, and now the scientists are trying to develop an 'environmental friendly' paddy (gee, the term itself disgusts me.. :-P). Can anyone see the weirdness of those lines? I thought the word 'environmental friendly' is only for those things that aren't existed naturally in nature. But PADDY??!?!?! Hmm, well, apparently not.. :-P That's 1 forgiven ridiculousness. And I thought, we can forgive this one. After all, if it's worth for the sake of the whole society, then why not?

But then came the 2nd news that changes my opinion almost entirely. Which is, scientists has done research on cows, and it turns out that their farts emits a 'significant' (I don't know what that word actually means anymore..) carbon gasses to the atmosphere; while kangaroo's fart are more 'environmentally friendly' than cows. And now scientists are doing a research to make cows fart like kangaroos. Now how stupid is THAT??

This war against carbon gasses has gone from denial, skeptical, thriving, supportive to obsessed and ridiculous.

Or maybe it is way easier to make a different kind of paddy, or to make cows farts like kangaroos; than banned capitalists & crazy industrial businesses in countries like USA and China?

The climate crisis and it's derivatives (green living, low carbon emission, alternative energy, horrible disasters, etc) are today's hot issues.

In a way, I feel that this is Mother Nature's way to cleanse her self. Yes, all those disasters, the melting ice caps, the floods, the wild fires, the bursting volcanoes, the hunger, the elongated dry season, even the victims..

Buddha taught us that everything in this world is connected to each other, forming a perfect balance, the perfect equilibrium. And a positive disturbance at one part of the equilibrium will cause a harsh negative disturbance at the other part. And in our beloved earth, human has caused the equilibrium to shake, stir, twist, fold, skew, and almost torn. To keep this balance calmed, and to keep the equilibrium from torn apart, Mother Nature'd have to do a few things. To make things right. I just hope that the past bad karma we're paying off now isn't too devastating..

I accidentally bumped into Steve Pavlina's website (http://www.stevepavlina.com) and found this article titled 'How to Make Money from Your Blog'. It's a very interesting article, and I just realised that we CAN get money from blogging. Gee.. :-D I'm enlightened!!

And this last few days I'm fully mesmerised by my 'new' findings at the blogging world: Google AdSense!! And I FINNALY knows how to put an extra features (shoutbox, google search, ads, etc2) to my blog. I've been wondering for quite a while for that.. I'm never an internet tech junkie, you know..

Now I'm reading a material on how to promote my website, which could be a little difficult. Few tips from Steve Pavlina are to create valuable, original & timeless content. Things that my blog aren't. This could be a little tricky..

Anyway, just wish me goodluck, okay? :-D As my revenue (hopefully) grows I'll keep it posted in the blog. And don't forget to keep on clicking!! *big grin*

Many more interesting thing I read from his blog is this :
"While many entrepreneurs pursue money for the purpose of becoming wealthy, I choose a different route. I sought to earn money for the purpose of increasing my freedom."
and..
"Since the income generation is largely on autopilot, I can focus my time and energy on creating content instead of on doing marketing or trying to sell something."

This is so 100% true!! THIS is the term I've been looking for each time I talked about money and ambition with my friends. My friends took me as ambitious, but I feel more like needing more money to have more freedom in doing things I love. And having an income generation on autopilot, I've always wanted that. Not because I'm lazy, but mainly for me to have more time focusing on things that I like most (that can generates a whole lot of money, of course..)

And another good one is this :
"The funny thing is that the less I rely on money, the more of it I seem to have "
The above sentence might have something to do with the Secret. And again, it's 100% true.

And so, again, wish me all the best in venturing this new world of internet blog money-digging, and hope to see you again in the next post talking about my outstanding revenues ;-)

This morning a read a post at BLDGBLOG, and it's simply terrifying. It discusses the images by artists Pedro Armeste & Mario Gomez for this new new project by Greenpeace. It's images of how the earth landscape will be affected by global warming.

The pics are before and after pics; showing rising sea levels, aerial views of flooded cities with helpless skyscrapers, dry rivers, dry cropfields, and things like that. I've seen images like that before, but seeing it all over again, and reading the naration (please read the complete post on : http://www.bldgblog.blogspot.com/2007/11/climate-change-escapism.html) makes me think again about the world, life, and what really matters in our short, helpless life..

We're small, we're nothing, so why there are egomaniacs in this world with their politics and so-called power, who thinks they can play God? What will they do if all their money, politics and power are helpless against the forces of nature?

Definitely a good read. Thanks BLDGBLOG for sharing! :D

This isn't a political insight whatsoever, this is merely my thoughts. A thought that never seems to be out of my head and so I've share and post it on this blog. It's concerning this one sentence from Hamengku Buwono X on one of Andy Noya's interview session at Kick Andy that said (more or less.. *wink* ), "I don't want to run myself for President. If the people of Indonesia needs me, they'll come for me".

To me, it clarifies the whole 'satrio piningit' term (english: the undisclosed warrior). A real warrior never claimed itself as warrior. This is part of Javanese wisdom which (unfortunately) in this modern capitalist days are considered as the Javanese's lack of competitiveness, which kept us dumb, stupid and underestimated by others...

Oh well.. Anyway, I'm a Javanese too. Altough I'm considered uncompetitive, and always underestimated by others, I'm still proud to be a Javanese. *grin*

I just recently watch the Sultan Hamengku Bowono X interview with Andy Noya in Metro TV. It's a very inspiring and open minded interview.

He said that the world now is measured only by materialistic figures, and not by its humanity and religiousity, as it's supposed to be anymore. It hits me, because that's exactly how I felt. It's been on my mind for a while, and until now, I feel like something has gone wrong with me.

Is it just me? Or the world has gone totally crazy? I don't know what's wrong and what's right anymore, and I just don't know the words to express it.

Even my parents-- in relation with their obsession to see me working for PU-- I felt their dissapointment for me. To me, within their dissapointment I feel like they see me as a failed being, just because I couldn't make as much money as my cousin (who worked for PU, of course..) I felt bad about my parent's dissapointment, and I'm sad because they can only see me from that 1 point of view. Although I couldn't make as much money as my cousin, I'm still a good person like they've grown me to be. I'm honest, I'm smart, I've a good sense of design, I'm not corrupt, I'm happy, I care a great deal about the environment.. I'm a responsible citizen, and I am a good and happy person no matter how much money I can make. Can they just understands it? They still think that people without money is crippled in this society. No matter how good, how smart, how religious, how honest they are. And that kind of point of view just upsets me.

I hate the feeling they give me, I don't know, probably they'd feel it as their own failure or mine. But still a failure nevertheless. And I feel guilty for it. And I know I shouldn't! And they shouldn't also. It's just this materialistic and capitalistic ways of life has driven us all crazy, and forgetting the true meaning of why we're here. And what we're supposed to do in this world.

And in relation with the Sultan's interview, I'm touched with his honesty, his wisdom and his (trying to be) purity. He's fully aware of what his birth-right and lifetime super political power has brought him, and he knows exactly how to use it, wisely. That is to serve the community. It's very simple and I've heard it like a thousand times, but not until now did I realise how difficult that is. I think that the Sultan is raised to think of himself a servant for the community. To think that as a person with high position and super political power, he must be strong and selfless. Like a cup, to be fully functioned, it must be emptied first. Then he can be fully useful for others. That's just simply magnificent, and I hope that if everybody with power in this country can think like that, then Indonesia will have high hopes to be one of the leading superpowers of the world.

All the glitter and glam from working for the Government (PNS) has seduced almost 6million Indonesian people with bachelor degree into applying for any position available. Not to mention the ones with no degree-- they have to find a way to somehow, managed to get the bachelor diploma, whatever it takes. Money will make sure that hard work won't have anything to do with it.

I wanted a good life, I wanted to have loads, even tonnes of money, but I want to earn it the right way. At least for me. My Dad is a PNS, and I'm grateful for his love, for everything he has done for me, and I know he's a very good father, a wonderful person, and never a corruptor. It's just when you're working for the Government, it'll be dead hard to avoid receiving such money. It's inevitable.

I'll choose to carve my own path and leaving the easy road. May God be my guide along the way.. :-)

Money, that is. The very thing that makes the world go round. I hate how we're becoming so dependant to it; and how we've given up our morals, our personal pleasure, our dreams and hope for happiness, just in pursue of money. And I hate how even I, are thinking that I'll be very happy if I can get certain amount of money. A part of me are damn well know that happiness comes from within, not outside. And money won't make me happy.

I wanted to live my life the way I want it, fulfilling my passion, doing only things that makes me happy, be with the ones I love and loves me.. But somehow money holds them back from me.. :-(

Now I can proudly announce that I've heard the wedding bells.. ;-) the sound's still considered far, but closer than anything I've ever heard from this past 3 years :-D

I feel closer to him than ever, and knowing that he'd be a good and responsible husband has made me feel safe. I think I love him. It must be love. If not, what is? :-P I still have my dreams, and his support for my dreams has made me love him even more. I really really think I love him. Or I think I really really love him.. :-D

The only problem left is money. He feel he doesn't have enough money to show my parents so that he can take my hand in marriage and give me the 'proper' life, as they'd expect. I wanted to help. Oh God I honestly do. But what can I do? We can use up all of our money on house, car and a romantic honeymoon. That's all I want. But tradition told us to waste all of our savings on a silly celebration.. :-( What will happen if I told my parents that all I wanted is a simple akad nikah, a romantic honeymoon; a house and a car? :-D

Veeeery tempting...

First of all, I want to thank Allah for making me write again. it's been too long and now I feel very much relieved and.. Honestly it feels so much like home. So relaxing and peaceful. :-D But that's not what I wanted to talk about.

I wanted to talk abt this conversation I had with Andy, while we're discussing a possibility for him to work in Kalimantan. I told him I'd love to go with him, and just find another work there. And he responded, 'So you'll throw away your career in Jakarta?'. And I instantly laughed and said, 'What career? I don't have any career in Jakarta!'.

And here I am, re-playing that conversation in my head and think, damn.. I REALLY don't have any career in Jakarta.. :-P It struck me, because, well, I get paid pretty well, but for my talents, for what I can do, but it doesn't promise me any career advancement, yet. Not in this company I currently work for. So anyway, to get on with my so-called 'career', I need to get out of this useless company I am now and find another place to work.

I know I've been having this pattern since I graduated from university, and it doesn't give me any advantages besides being a real generalist instead of a specialist. And when I told Andy I wanted a career change, he's sort of freaked out.. :-))

Of course I wouldn't actually do that.. I'm not that reckless and naive, no matter how much I wanted to :-D

Maybe I just enjoy the creative world too much..

Anyway, now, honestly, I feel lost. I wanted to go to Singapore; I wanted to find a new job; I wanted to move to another city; my parents wants me to work for PU; I wanted to live peacefully in Jogja and learn how to make batik; I wanted to learn to sculpt, shape, cut, tore, paint, and just create and think with my hands; I wanted to be a successful and rich freelancer; I wanted to be a travel writer; I wanted to open my own store; I wanted to get married and have wonderful babies; I wanted to be a successful career woman but will always have time for family..

I just hope and pray to God that He will guide me to the best path.

:ameen..:

Is this just PMS or do I really feel that he's gone weird? Really weird.. Little thing that adds up and grew big into something that really annoys me.. Into something I couldn't ignore anymore. This feeling has flooded inside me and ate me alive. Again, blackened my heart.

I wanted to live a good life, with many true friends and people who actually cares, loves, and doesn't hate. I don't want to be corrupted by hatred nor other maggoty things of soul, I always wanted to see things fairly and clearly without prejudice towards anything. But there's always an exception, and there's this one object who seems to be such a pain is my a**. I felt her like a needle under the skin, I feel her negativity and hatred for me so big and I've to respond with almost similar resistance. But as you grew to know me, you should've known that I never does it frontally. I feel her negativity and it makes me very uncomfortable. It makes me sad and it got me thinking.. I've never meant any harm, verbally or implicitly, but I don't know, probably I've said done something that hurts her. Only God knows what. I'll never done anything to hurt others in my simple conscious, because I truly believes in karma. So what I've done to deserves such a hatred? It really got me thinking... *feeling so sad in early morning*

After talking to a friend I feel slightly better. I asked him how does he think of me, after all this time, have I changed or not (he's a friend from university so I figure he should be able to see the difference). Surprisingly enough he said that I've changed, but to something better. Design-wise, and economical wise. Well from those 2 points I think he's right. I'm afraid I'm going to sounds very ungrateful with what God has given me, but I feel I still have a lot of blanks to fill, a lot of things to do and accomplish. I couldn't just sit and see my life passes me by like this. I wanted to make my mark in this world, I wanted to make a change, I don't want to be common people, I wanted to be a free citizen of the world, I want to see the world, I want.. I don't know what I want anymore. S**t I'm so f***ed and clueless. :-( Probably I should take things easy and take 1 step at a time. And FOCUS, into something only God knows what.. But probably on this job. Be a great designer, and tries to make my mark with it. And then.., the next step would be WORLD DOMINATION!! LOL! Har har har har..

I just browse through my cd collection, looking for mp3s to put in my new 1gig micro SD when I found a data cd with my personal datas when I was still in university. It feels like I'm opening a pandora box. My past has flew fast in front of me and I miss it a lot. I was so full of energy and dreams, and I'm pursuing it with great determination. Compared to who I am now, I feel like dying.. I'm not who I am supposed to be anymore.. Maybe that's faith, but I miss my old me.. I miss myself.. I miss my dreams.. I miss pursuing them with great determination. Does one really have to choose at some point? Can't we just have it all? Where should I go? What should I do with the future that lies wide in front of me? Where should I go? What is it that I want? I feel completely clueless. But whatever it is, I've to found the answer soon. And I've to make my life far more productive than for just work.. And work.. And work. I am dead trapped in the rat race that I've always hate and tries to run from.

As a middle-low class costumer in a third world country, we're used to be pushed around by capital owners, pressed with low price, so even there's a saying "Costumer is King", we're basically at the mercy of those service providers/capital owners. Lay helpless at their feet, fooled and dragged around like a garbage bag. The government has never done a real thing to protect us, they're too busy doing things that we'll never understand, so we'd just have to protect ourselves. In any way, though most of the time it only seems like a useless effort.

What I experienced most often is in transportation. I don't have a car, and I couldn't afford a chauffeur, so I take that option out. I couldn't drive a motorcycle, not to mention it's a very unstable and unsafe vehicle, so that option goes out too. That leaves us with only the public transportation. Busses, trains, airplanes. They all have one thing in common. WE CAN'T TRUST THEM. It's a bitter and embarrassing truth, but that's our public transportation. We couldn't trust them with PUNCTUALITY, we couldn't trust them with SAFETY, we couldn't trust them with COSTUMER SERVICE. And those 3 are the most important factors of public transportation services. Just have a look around, take a pick, and I'll tell you a story of why we shouldn't trust that vehicle. So in this city we couldn't predict nor plan anything by the minute. We should be used on getting late to appointments, or wasting too much time by coming way too early. But either way, you already waste a great deal of time in your life by sitting unproductively in the vehicle. You don't have any bargaining power what soever. We're supposed to sit tight, wait, and be patient. Forever. This is a very ugly picture of how a city, a megapolitan works. No wonder everything in this city is ruined.

Sample #1, traffic jam.
In Jakarta, everybody are brainwashed, that it's okay to waste 3-6 hours a day just to sit and wait. Can you imagine, it's literally 10-25% of one's life/day. So if you live until 80 years old, you should dedicates 8-20 years of your life just to sit unproductively. What a great number.. Imagine what you can do with that wasted time.


Sample #2, busway.
Busway, or TransJakarta is the most prominent type of public transportation is Jakarta. Another embarrassing fact, that in the 21th century, 60years after Proklamasi Kemerdekaan (Liberty Declaration, that is..) THAT is our best and most advanced solution for traffic jam, which haven't really solved anything. And completed with a poor system of signage and public information, these busses are also hopeless. They're supposed to be the most prominent hemoglobin that runs along the most important veins and arteris of Jakarta, the hemoglobin that supposed to run smoothly so it can keep our body alive and well all the time. But like the hemoglobin of a fat person, it stuck on lumps of fat or God knows what, and it couldn't deliver itself on-time as it supposed to. And we're dead. If you decides to use this mode of transportation with a high hope of finally defeating Jakarta's deadly traffic jam in a very affordable and comfortable fashion, then you're so blindly wrong..

Sample #3, train.
Most inter-city trains that I've ever ride on are late. From 30mins to 3 hours. I don't know how about the KRL (Kereta Rel Listrik). Even a short trip from Bandung to Jakarta is 30mins late on arrival. What if on that fateful day I was foolishly decided to ride on a train to Jakarta and catch a bus to the airport from there? I'd definitely looking stupid by missing a plane, with over an hour late from departure. So.. Again, we must plan ahead, and add another few hour to spend unproductively. And again, we are defeated, fall helplessly at the stinky feet of public transportation business owners.

Sample #4, airport busses.
I've too many experience with these lazy busses so I'd risk on going to the airport by ojek (motorcycle) rather than the lazy bus. They don't seems to have a schedule, so they can park and wait for the bus to be full the whole day if they really have too. From bus station to airport or vice versa, it's the same thing. So customers are nothing. For this lazy busses the customers are like walking ATM, that generates money and have no right to complain, and doesn't even have a time constraint or any sense or urgency. In fact I don't even think they actually know that such word does exist. So it can be delivered whenever they feel like going.

Sample #5, airplanes.
I'm tired with the list so this is going to be the last entry, though I still have a lot of things at the back of my mind. Anyway, this last mode of transportation has been under the spotlight for a while. Since several horrible plane accidents, the government are getting strict about safety requirement. But again, they're victimize the weakest party, which is, as always, the customer. Over 100 ppl are lost on their way to Manado using AdamAir. Countless of ppl are delayed using various airplanes. And the latest experience happened to my parents. After canceling the AdamAir ticket to Surabaya, they finally bought AirAsia for 15.30. But when they showed up in airport, turns out that the 15.30 flight is canceled to 21.00. Yep, 5,5 hours delay. My parents are furious, but there's nothing they can do. So they just bought a new ticket, which is Lion Air, for 17.50 flight. After waited for a while, my parents can relax and just wait for the flight. But guess what happened? The flight was AGAIN delayed to 20.30! So much for a transportation we can rely on and trust. So you see, this 3 popular airlines are unbelievably unprofessional.

And now you're thinking, "What about the others??"

Today's Saturday. Sabbath day, the best day of the week. I just lay here, enjoy the fresh wind, listening to bird's chipping, peeking at the window, staring at the sky.. I daydreamed..

It must be great to be Karl Lagerfeld, Marc Jacobs, Zaha Hadid, and many of those famous beyond their wildest dream designers. And the world will be anxious to see even their smallest doodles/ scribbles. I didn't dare to dream, nevertheless setting a life goal to be like them, but if I could just wish.. I'd wish to be as established as them.

Designer isn't just a job. It's a dive into your soul, searching for the best solution of a case. It's not all about technical things, but also how we put people's life in the good care of our design and enhances the life quality. It's mainly about using your heart, being true and honest, in search for an answer, while taking advices from the brain and experience.

I'm getting sleepy.. I'm going to take a short nap, and getting ready for shopping later in the afternoon. My monthly supplies, and probably also personal supplies at the office.

*yawn..*

If there's anybody wondering why would I put 2nd instead of 1st, it's simply bcause yesterday I'm too tired and overworked. My body clock hasn't adjusted itself to this new pace of life. Anyhow, I feel excited. i think working in a consultant is a good choice for me. It's tiring, and it's only been 2 days, but I get excited. It's not what I expected, because at first I'm not excited at all. But I saw a big streak of silver lining on the horizon, and I've high hopes. Overworked and tired are meaningless compared to the feeling of having my work completed and soon will be built. The joy will doubles up, and I'm high in admiration & self content. Sounds very narcisstic, LOL, but it's true. It's only been 2 days, but I've learn a lot. So, doing what I really like, get paid pretty well and have the chance to learn a whole new things.. I just hope I could get a good career leap somehow..

Women are masochists by nature. Somehow they seek pain, they're in pain most of the times, and they also have great endurance against it. Physically AND mentally. I'm a women, so I know these things. But I don't speak in the name of all women because there's always an exception. The masochism level is tend to decrease each generation passes. Humankind evolutes, and women doubles the speed. But it's there, and it will always be, as it's always been part of the female's genetic code.

I don't have a specific criteria for men, but 2 things I know that they should have, that is a positive attitude, strong personality and ambition. And what's disappointing me is that, he has no ambition.. How can people live, or strive for a better future if they don't have ambition? One must have goal, and to live their lives based on this one goal. Dreams, ambition, or whatever you called it, is the fuel of life. It makes the world go round. And.. I don't know.. I know he's not perfect, and I am too, and I've learn to understands his dark sides, and to love our differences. But no ambition..? And I'm so full of dreams, I wanted to be able to do a lot of things.. I wanted to be the best in everything I do.. And I wanted someone I can share those dreams with.. How can I share my life with someone who doesn't even share the same goal in life? :-(

The students of SMUNIX is like the black sheep of the great block of most prestigious schools in Surabaya. It's just seems like it's been misplaced somehow, and it doesn't meant nor supposed to be there. There's nothing we can proud of as a school member. We're not as smart as the students of SMU 5; we're not as flashy and rich nor glam as the students of SMUN 2 & 1; we're just us, the not so special students of SMUNIX, who merely known for the bad habit of starting an inter-school fight. I've never be proud of my highschool. But everything just came back to me now. After saw an old highschool pal on a tv show, introduced as Kris Intellects-- whatever that means. And then I saw one more as a tv news anchor, and another one as a talkshow home-band singer. It's like a series of .. Well.. Coincidences. And I thought, maybe this is it. I finally came to understand what makes my highschool so special and actually deserves a place in the prestigious block. We're not bunch of losers after all. We can be somebody. And ducks can be turned to swans somehow. Not like it matters now.. But strangely enough, it does..

I just back from my parent's collague's son wedding. The short CV for the groom is, handsome (ex Abang Jakarta), come from a respectively wealthy family (due to his father's high position), have a very good future (he works for Slumbersea). Bottomline, the perfect bloodline, perfect future. And the wife, as we might already predict, is equally perfect. Perfectly beautiful (ex None Jakarta), with bling2 tv career as a news anchor girl or something. Life couldn't have been more perfect for the lucky couple. Some people are born like that. Things are served in silver plate. Shoveled to their beautiful mouths. Things that for some other people can only dream and drooled on.. I've to admit, for a while I feel a sheer jealousy. But now as I came to think of it, I still am very much blessed, and have to be (really) grateful for what God has given me.. The bride and groom can appear to be as perfect as they wanted to, but we never knew what's under the surface, and we can only assume.

As India Arie would say in her song, "..it's all about perception, and the paradise is in your mind.."

I used to dream about being of housewife of a succesfull husband.. But now, on a second thought, I will NEVER be a housewife no matter what. Men these days are unbelievable. In the most negative way possible. They're like, don't have any respect for their wives anymore, especially when they already have a lot of money and feel like he can buy the world.. And by not working, we're stripped out of our political and economical power. And what happened if we need money to help our parents/family? Or to splurge on something just to know that we can afford those? Or just to share it with others in need? We might not be THAT lucky to found a spouse that's really understanding.. I'm talking reality here. We always wanted to found our soulmate, someone who's perfect for us in everyway.. We wanted everything to be perfectly romantic like in the movies.. But there are girls who'd have to face the hard fact that love just don't don't come easy. And a sweet, romantic, kind, rich, faithful, handsome, smart guys don't just go wandering around everywhere like alley cats. We need to work hard for that love. And if everything don't go right, we might need a divorce. And a lady divorcee, with no job, no money and a lot of kids equals disaster.. Or we might ended up gone ballistic and just keep swallowing our anger, up to the point that it'd kill us. Or before we kill our spouse.. ;-) Kidding..! Anyway, I hope I'll never be a pure housewife, or if I really have, God please give me an almost perfect (because nobody's perfect..) husband.. ;-)

We've been together for 2.5 years now.. We already have a joint account for our mutual future needs (i.e marriage) although we haven't really plan to be married in the near future.
And however close we are as a couple, when it comes to money, I just realise that we're not as trusting and cooperative to each other as I thought we were.. It shocked me a bit. And I just remember an old saying that even our husbands/wives are never will be an actual part of our family. Because blood is thicker than anything else, and family is more important than a spouse. It would be great if our spouse can actually understands us, and our family. But if they can't, then it's a great shame.. Therefore an Indonesian marriage is more complicated than others, simply because when we are married to someone it means that we're marrying the whole family. And as I grew older and (hopefully) come closer to that stage of life (marriage), I realized how true every old saying is..

A spouse is just a spouse, a mere way to have an offspring. But in God's eye even our family means nothing, except for an obedient child who'll pray to Allah for forgiveness of our sins.. That's why I always wanted a child, children.. As my love-bite mark to the world, and to pray for my forgiveness when I die.

There's also one old saying that I don't like, but it's always on my mind because it might be true.. That we could never love our parents as much as they love us.. And the same thing for us and our children. It's a shame because I really love my parents and hopefully I can repay their love and kindness someday.. Which I knew I'll never can...

This new year's resolution (Imlek that is.., even though I'm not celebrating it but this year the energy is very strong) is to flow positive energy as much as possible into my life. Last year I've been talking too much, obsessed with something that I don't really want, confused and hopeless.. So for this year I'm not after the material goal, instead I'm going to work on my personality and way of life. It will look like a (material) set back, which actually is a (spiritual) fast track advancement. This year I really wanted to focus, have a clear goal and start to work my plan and aiming from there. This year I will also have a positive attitude towards everything, and I'll be grateful for every blessings Allah has given to my life. I wanted to be closer to Allah, I wanted to share my happiness with others. I wanted to be kind to create a good karma. It sounds easy, but trust me, it's not. As a start, whatever job I'll ended up with next month, I'll try to be grateful and make the best out of it.. Believing that it's Allah's way to show me which the best path to go. Trying to accept that however bad it looked for now, I'll come to realize that IT IS the best option.. Amen.

always like writing. And somehow my un-published, un-socialized blog has been the very place, online, inside the www, highly accessible and yet unknown to the world, where I can actually live and breathe. My secret garden, away from the world. And it brought up the second question, which is why exactly did you put it in the www? A secret garden supposed to be, well.. Secret. I might as well just wrote a diary, in a notebook, if you really don't want to share it to the rest of the world. Well, honestly I don't have an answer to that..

ANYWAY ..

Before I know mobile blogging, blogging would a once-a-month-if-I-can-remember activity. A place to post an opinion abt highly disturbing issues. But now thanks to my dearest E70, blogger.com and the internet-- my blog has literally turned into a friend.. A silent friend who would listen to my crap (obviously) and in the long term I think it would give a positive tribute to my mental health.. ---- it's desperate, I know.. :-(

We'll never be happy if we don't stop for a while, count our blessings and be grateful for that.. I ran amock and confused with desperation and fear for something that's not really there, when I should be smiling and count my blessings.. *sigh* after all I'm only human.. All praise for Allah, Lord of the Universe ..

I wanted a career.. I wanted to be a Senior Manager in some flashy company, highly overpaid to do the things that I've a great passion with, the things i love most.. I want soul serenity balanced with all the best in life's happiness..

Have i done a mistake?
Have i took the wrong and mislead pathways along the line?
A dear friend's right, I need a target.
I need a goal.

Probably 15million Indonesian salary before i hit 30?
And my own company before i hit 35?
And make it a huge success before i hit 40?
And what if i failed?


......





Shit.

I don't know.

We just have to find out, and stick to the plan..

So... Whatever it is to come, just face it with a smile. We made plans, but destiny's giving it a turn.. And we have to turn, or we'll be frustrated and go crazy. Don't try to fight it, but just go with the flow.. And make the best out of the turn.. I might be unhappy ended up working in a consultant -- something i dread and avoid since graduation. But now here i am..

Let's just make the best out of this journey. And always remember to give the best out of you. Don't ever be lazy because life's hard, and it will need a lot of power, strength and persistence. Simply be the best, and work hard. God help me to be the best in whatever i do, give me the power to be strong and persistent. Give me the courage to fight, and please give me the light and accompany me along the way.. Amen. Whatever happened during my 1year and 11month of service in this company is precious, and i will treasure it all my life. It's a worthy experience, and i think in a way God is preparing me for a bright future.. :)

Titik titik keraguan mulai muncul, guratan kekecewaan sesekali tampak, ular ketidakpercayaan mulai menyusup masuk.. Tanda tanya, cemburu, gelisah, tak ada penjelasan, sedih, perubahan sikap, pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang tidak terjawab dan mulai melekat di hati, membusuk, menggerogoti..

Sebenarnya apa yang terjadi?

Ketika hati mulai menghitam dengan keraguan dan ketidakpercayaan, mataku nyalang mencoba mencari-cari kebenaran.. tangan dan kakiku menggapai-gapai kejujuran.. hidungku mencoba menangkap aroma kepastian.. telingaku ingin mendengar jawaban..

Tapi tidak ada yang muncul.





......





Apa yang akan terjadi?

I looked up to my Mother. I think she’s a very graceful lady, strong, powerful, a natural leader, yet very social and likable. I always wanted to be like her. She’s (originally) not very pretty. But she’s attractive, and only with a light (but right) make up, it can lighten up her face and make her looked very pretty.

I liked watching her doing make up. I like to see her face changes, and when she already fully dressed, seeing how graceful she is, and I always thought, will I ever be like her?

I then looked at the mirror, and thinks, how ugly I am. I’ll never be as graceful, as social, and as likable as she. I’ll never get to be a natural leader like her because I’m too shy. I was more like my Father, physically and personally, but not as smart.

My Mother has all the EQ, and my Father has his high IQ. They’re a perfect match, though naturally very different in so many ways. But I inherited none of the good things.
I’m a mixed of the entire negative thing my parents has. Well, I’m not always THIS negative, but that thought came to my mind pretty often.

As a child I was in the verge of abnormally-quiet. I’m so shy and quiet, I didn’t even say a word when I realized that there’s a cockroach, just died because I stepped on it (obviously!), inside my shoe. And I carry that cockroach in my shoe all day in school, hoping that nobody would realize the strange smell coming out of my shoe..

But as I grew up I have more friends, and I became less neither shy nor quiet. And soon after I graduated, I’ve my first serious relationship (not just a fling or a desperate attempt to have one although we both know it’s not possible..), and I feel my confidence escalated. Not too high, but enough to learn about all the social skill required. And then I get to know make up. I mean not just knowing, but really KNOW. Well, not 100% knowing, but enough. I learn that I too can look pretty. And I too can be as graceful as my Mother. I think that’s my turning point. In fact, I think I inherited my Mother’s gracefulness. And how my face can also be lighten up by using the right make-up, and my strength and power. I’m not as social and likable as her, but I’m still happy with who I am, and I have my good friends to support me. And I know I’m not a natural leader like her, but as my career grew higher I think I can learn about being a leader along the way. And right at this point, I can look back and see how I grew up, and I really appreciate the process. And the most important thing is that I can make my parents proud of me.