A place where I can live, breathe, talk and see

I sent out my thoughts and prayers to Allah.

And so does billions of other people; and even trillions of those sent by djinns, animals, plants, microbes.. Every living, breathing being in this universe pray to Allah. So Allah must be very busy. But yet He keeps on listening. And watching. And warmed your heart just by remembering His names. Because He loves you, and He will never ever desert you.

Countless of prayers and hopes sent out everyday, and yet not even one is overlooked or neglected. If you feel like you're being ignored, it means He has other plans for you. Wether to test your faith, or to be patient, or to teach you to embrace His will, because His plan for you will be much more beautiful than your own. He sees, He listen, and He knows what's on your mind and what's troubling you, for He is closer to you than you own vein.

So have faith, and never give up. But when the time comes for you to actually given up, be grateful. Because Allah has given you a chance to make a new start, and carved a new beautiful path in your life.

I wrote this as a note to myself. Men can't change. Whatever they say, whatever the excuses are, they just won't change -- and you just have to take it or leave it.

Men are like, .. Stones. You can't change the shape of a stone, especially with hard forces. You'll only break it, and it will left you with nothing. Sadness & loneliness, maybe. And hurting yourself along the way.

The way to change a stone, is with patience. Like water drips, everyday, for the longest time, but then you'll be able to see holes on that stone. Or you can shape the stone by chipping it, one soft thud at a time. And with patience, you will reach your goal. But never do it with full force.

Tonight I forget this golden rule. I know, and he knows-- that it's the best thing to do. But that stubborn mule brain of his got the better of him. As a result, disappointment ate me alive. And causing me an actual chest pain. :-( It reminds me how badly can emotional pain hurts your physical state of being. I forget that quite a lot.

Another problem is, can I accept him for what he is? Warts and all?

Just watched Amelia today, a story on Amelia Earhart. A bit of a sad ending movie, but that's not the point.

In this movie I saw how a real good partnership between a husband and wife works. The partnership between Amelia Earhart, and her husband and publisher George Putnam.

You see, Amelia was the "star", and George, as he humbly said, is a small grain of speckle in her constellation (or something like that.. :D). But in the movie it is definitely not like that. George was Amelia's rock, and her best supporter. He nurtured her, he contained all of her energy and directs it to better place. I think none of her achievement will be established without his support. And Amelia in this movie, was a very strong woman. One with a tunnel vision and a very strong will. And it took one hell of a person to be able to accommodate such a strong will and vision, and be able to contain it and direct it to a better place. And not once being shied away with his wife's successes. Because he's the one who helped her to make things happens.

He stands seemingly unseen in the shadow of her glory, but it's him who became the silent force that makes everything possible.

And THAT my friends, is a good partnership.

In a relationship between a husband and wife, there's no competition, not even about who make the most money or did most of the hard work. Because in a good partnership, it's all about supporting each other and nurturing each others passion so that together, they'll each grow to be a better person. Regardless who made the most money or who have done most of the hard work, because in the end, none of it will happen without the support of each other.

Well, I'm not really know if all those good partnership thing was only for the movie or it actually is like that. but anyways, it's a good inspiration nevertheless.

:)

Happy Saturday!

A beautiful short movie that I'd definitely have to share with everyone. :) Remember to love your parents people! :)



via http://goodlorax.blogspot.com/

This list is compiled based on my limited personal experience, and my 4 hours of reading Mars and Venue Together Forever (John Gray, Ph.D)(up to page 116 :D). I will read some more, and if there's any other interesting points I will subsequently update the post.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

1. If he emotionally withdraws from you, let him. Just make sure when he's back to normal again, you're there to greet him w/ a beautiful smile & an open arms.

2. Always appreciate whatever he has done for you - even the smallest favor - and make sure he knows. So he'd also know that he makes you happy. This exercise is very easy. Just pretend that you're with a dolphin and you must give him "reward" (in this case is appreciation) each time he does a trick for you. :)

3. When you feel overwhelmed and tired and need to complain and and nags your mind out, do warn him first. Say things like, "I had an awful day, would you take a few minutes to just listen? You don't have to say anything and I will feel better!". By saying things like this, you give your man a chance to just relax and listen to your problems and thoughts without actually needed to give us any solutions. Because we want him to understand, and not to give us unnecessary solutions. If you didn't warn him before, he'd be unprepared, and all he'll give you is his natural reactions of giving solutions. Which we don't need. Or worse, he'll feel that he's the source of your problems and unhappiness and will get defensive in the end. And the supposedly "nurturing communication" sessions will go haywire. :P

4. Understand that when a man flicks through tv channels, it's his way to relax his mind. So let him.
Also any kind of physical activity is a good exercise for him to channel his stress. And when he's back, he'll be a much better man than before. So just let him.

5. Never obsessively ask him about his seconds by seconds activity, and constantly check/text/call him on what he's doing. There's a limit on this, on of course there are also the special circumstances, so just watch it.

I just saw the Golden Compass yesterday, and it's interesting that daemons and their humans can't be separated. Daemons are part of the human soul, and if they are to be separated, it'll drive each other crazy and they'd have to endured an excruciating pain to the level of death.

That's exactly how I feel when I don't see or at least talked to him. If we were living in the Golden Compass parallel world, I think I'm becoming his daemon, or he's becoming mine. This fact I learned yesterday, when I got mad at him over a thing, and I decided to ignore him. But the more I try to ignore & hate him, the more my heart aches. I'm trying to hurt him, but the fact that it hurts me also..

And then once again I pray to God, for God to show me the way, and to separate our hearts if we weren't meant to be, and to holds our hearts together if we're meant to be.. And apparently, later that night, the anger has gone and we're lovers again.. ;-)

Now I can proudly announce that I've heard the wedding bells.. ;-) the sound's still considered far, but closer than anything I've ever heard from this past 3 years :-D

I feel closer to him than ever, and knowing that he'd be a good and responsible husband has made me feel safe. I think I love him. It must be love. If not, what is? :-P I still have my dreams, and his support for my dreams has made me love him even more. I really really think I love him. Or I think I really really love him.. :-D

The only problem left is money. He feel he doesn't have enough money to show my parents so that he can take my hand in marriage and give me the 'proper' life, as they'd expect. I wanted to help. Oh God I honestly do. But what can I do? We can use up all of our money on house, car and a romantic honeymoon. That's all I want. But tradition told us to waste all of our savings on a silly celebration.. :-( What will happen if I told my parents that all I wanted is a simple akad nikah, a romantic honeymoon; a house and a car? :-D

Veeeery tempting...

Women are masochists by nature. Somehow they seek pain, they're in pain most of the times, and they also have great endurance against it. Physically AND mentally. I'm a women, so I know these things. But I don't speak in the name of all women because there's always an exception. The masochism level is tend to decrease each generation passes. Humankind evolutes, and women doubles the speed. But it's there, and it will always be, as it's always been part of the female's genetic code.

Pardon me if there’s an improper grammatical use in the above title, but that described exactly what I felt.

I’ve been anxiously waiting for his call for 1.5 hours, since 20.30. His body clock used to be very punctual, and he always slept at 22.00, so I think it’s pretty reasonable for me to worry where the hell is he at that hour, when he must’ve been very sleepy..

Each time passes I get worried even more. Why hadn’t he called? Is there something happened to him? What if he lied and instead of having a dinner feast with his office buddies he could’ve been having dinner with a girl or something? And my horribly creative minds are starting to generate plots and stories.. And I’m getting more and more worried…

I hate waiting. That’s for sure. But what I hate more is to wait without any certainty.

I was suffocated by my own thoughts and fears. And it’s so terribly poisoning that I could barely think clear. Or probably I was just sick of keep on using my reasons and wanted to dwell in what my heart has to say..

I don’t know probably I was just over-reacting or being childish. But you know what I really really wanted to hear?

I wanted to hear him say sorry for keeping me waiting, I want him to apologize for making me worried, and for all the tears I’ve shed..

Furthermore, I want him to pat my head, hold my hands, kiss my forehead and whispers that he’s sorry and he’ll never do that again..

But I think it’s just will never happen..

After a chat with a dear friend, discussing nothing and everything, we finally talked about my surroundings. Friends. Girl friends. And it just strikes me that 3 of my closest circles are having an affair with non-single guys. With the recent issues of polygamy, cheating husbands, and I just sit, watching the news and keep asking myself, what’s happening to the world?
As a girl with boyfriend, I’d definitely will tear off any girl who tries to play around with my guy, let alone having an affair with him. And vice versa, if I happened to be single. If we don’t like to be hit, don’t hit others. It’s a simple karma rule.

But why does it keep on happening?

Honestly, I don’t have an answer for this one. I guess it’s just a matter of statistics, which I always heard that the female populations are outnumbering the males. But does it justify treachery? And what will happen to the world if we cannot trust our lovers any longer? If we can no longer trust our own souls? And what is the solution to that?

Then I come to my 3 closest circles to seek for an answer. And one said that it’s because she’s lonely. She’s never the cheating type, but loneliness beats good sense. Rather pathetic, but it’s a fact.

The 2nd friend said that it’s simply lust. And she never found someone as “good” as this guy she’s been involved with.

While my 3rd friend said, well, she’s having a hard time looking for a permanent lover, while the hormones are pushing out all the times, and she HAS to find someone, even if it makes her to be a part-time lover.

And me, when I was single and desperately looking, it really is hard to find an eligible nice single straight guys who wants me.. And having some relationship with non-single guys is interesting and fun. It’s one of the ways to prove myself (or is it just an apology? ) better than other girls, and that I am still wanted.. And I can tease the guy and (hopefully) talked him into leaving his current girlfriend. Pathetic hope. Sad but true. Sad because, I could’ve ended up being only a part-time lover while he keeps having fun with his girlfriend(s). That’s what happened to my 2nd friend, by the way. He promised her that he’ll break up with his girlfriend and make her his. And instead of make her his, he gets himself another girl, whilst making my friend his permanent part-timers.

I really don’t know how to conclude this, but just take good care of yourselves. And do what is considered right to your heart.. Which I believe is the ultimate truth.

As simple as I am

As simple as how I prefer listening to talking
As simple as how I prefer asking questions than being asked
As simple as how I prefer observing than getting involved in actions

I love learning.
Being in the position of a ‘senior’ and having ‘juniors’ asking me question always making me feel awkward.

I’ve always wanted to be the ‘junior’ and have the privilege to make mistakes and asking questions and tries something new and always feels stupid.

To always feel stupid is a privilege.

Because that way you’d always hungry and never feel content.
That way you’d always try to learn and learn and learn as much as you can but you just can’t.
Because the more you learn, the more stupid and small you’ll feel.
And I really love that feeling.

And as I fell in love (also an apology..)

But to be in love is a different thing.
Only now I feel such a great love and I think I could just die because of it. It hurts me more than anything. It makes tears came rolling down my cheek unstoppable. I kept on crying and crying at the prospect of losing this great love.. Just the thought of it hurts me more than anything..

And this love is so great that it could crush you.

I don’t know what love is just yet. I don’t know if he’s the right guy or not. All I know is that I’m happy just to see him, and I love his smell very very much.

But love doesn’t come easy and obstacles will come every now and then.

As it has come across my mind.. Singledom is happening. Everywhere. I know, it’s been like this for quite sometime. I’ve heard it, and talked abt it so very often, but still.. I’ve never realized that it IS happening. Not until my 25th birthday or somewhere on the way to it. There are TOO may single, beautiful, smart and successful young ladies running around the city, and yet there are no sign of existence from any single, eligible, smart and successful young men around.. What is this all about anyway???

I’ve come up with several scenarios, which is :
Girls, you’re simple TOO picky !! Remember, we don’t stay young forever, the wheel’s turning and time’s running out.
There are no sign of their existence because they simply don’t exist (around us single female at abt the age of 25-ish, especially MY crowd)
All we have around is nice, smart, successful young and MARRIED male. And MEANWHILE, the eligible single males are too busy looking about the garden and don’t have even the smallest intention to pick pne flower and keep it forever. If you can have them all in one garden, why should you keep only one?? They’ll grow old and die eventually (yeah right, and you don’t??)
They’re stupidly became afraid of our aura of power and success-ness and smart-(ass) ness. Gee.. They ARE stupid..
The eligible single males are more interested in their career, or playing around with younger, less married-able girls.

So what can we do about these scenarios?

There are two options, that is :

Go find yourself a widower
Go find yourself a young, eligible, single, mother-complex male

This is, of course, pathetic, considering how smart and beautiful and successful we are. Am I exaggerating things or what..?? But I don’t think so. There’s always time and space for pre-cautiousness. And going through the second half phase of the twenties is hard you know. Especially when you’re depressive and all of your girlfriends are married. But even when they’re all single, you’ll be equally pathetic. And that’s about one of the difficulties of living in this second phase.

And speaking of the twenties, let me tell you something you might find useful.

At the first phase (which is around 20-25), you’re at the top of the world. You think you have all the young, single, smart, eligible males under your feet, begging for a little piece of love and affection. But time flies, and if you don’t pick one right away, or try to make the best out of it, you’ll get some difficulties in getting through the second phase. And most unfortunately, the rest of the other phases. So I suggest you girls to emphasize your best effort on this first phase of the twenties.
And so, as for me, being at the beginning of my second phase and not single, I miss the old feeling of longing and waiting for my prince charming. I know this is too much for a girl at my age, but I really do miss those feelings. I want to find someone that feels oh so right from the very beginning. I want someone I adore with all my heart and soul. I want someone who adores me even more (YAY!!). I want someone that can make my heart melt and start singing. I want butterflies in my tummies. I want someone I can connect to, heart-brain-soul-genitals. I wanted to find and meet and be with my perfect man. The man I love, and may not be perfect for others but he’s everything to me. And me to him.

And all of those has brought me to the end part of this doodles. Out of mind thoughts, materials I typed too fast while I’m high on OBH Combi at 1:18 PM, feeling so very sleepy and wanted to lay my head at the pillow but my fingers just won’t let me do it because my brain still have something to say and write. And my ears just caught this really beautiful tunes that just remind me of my good old days from the first phase (of the twenties, surely).

Eventually, for the great ending of this madness and delusional writings, I’ve two resolutions for 2006. First, that is to find me self a new boyfriend (or some part time boyfriend, I don’t care) other than my present ones. Secondly, is to start writing another.

The base for LDR to work is trust and understanding.

It is very important for both parties not too demand anything too much.
LDR works best when each parties are independent people.
So they both still have their own lives and circle of friends while maintaining a loving relationship.
It seems hard at first, apalagi klo masing2 punya tingkat ketergantungan yang tinggi terhadap satu sama lain. Mereka harus merubah kebiasaans2 waktu mereka masih bareng2 dulu, mencoba beradaptasi.

Or they won’t survive. It’s just Nature’s Law.

Now me and him has gone through LDR for a year. It’s a little wobbly at start but we can make it now. We’ve grown quite a lot of trust and understanding for each other.
And that God we’re doing pretty well.

Yeah I think LDR works pretty well on us. Partly because we’re not yet close and dependant to each other at start.

Another important thing is to have the best qualities out of your short time together. Physical and emotional closeness must be encouraged.

When I say physical, it doesn’t have to be sexual. Just use your imagination.. ;P
And don’t be shy to show your love and
affection for each other. Let him/her know how much you really care..

Pernah jatuh cinta dengan sebuah lubang hitam a.k.a blackhole? I know I have. And still am.. :(( So sad to say.. He sucked me in, and make a bitch out of me.. Well, not that bluntly "bitch", it's just that he sort of dragged that quality out of me.. Quality I never dreamed to have. But now I know I have.. That sick blackhole.. He sucked me in mercilessly, taking no excuses, listen to no reasons.. And I'm falling deeper to God knows where. Nowhere good, nowhere nice, I believe. But I still dive into him.. And gobbled up to everything I see, feel, hear and taste..

And I just keep on falling..