A place where I can live, breathe, talk and see

As usual, I went facebook-stalking, and the blog-stalking :D
Then I stumbled into this one blog belonged to this one person who clearly have a sad case of negativity and hatred.

And it's really sad. Almost pathetic.
And it makes me wonder.

Why does people likes to hold on their hatred and grudges?
Did they enjoy being imprisoned by their own creations and not being able to let go?
Does it give them some sort of satisfaction when their hate and grudge grew to be some sort of cancer in their souls?
Did they have a limitless source of energy so they can burn it all on their anger?

These are the things that I just don't understand. People gets angry. Yes. We sometimes hate also. Yes. But we're supposed to control those evil feelings and don't let them rule us.

We have to let those feelings go and don't let it stand in the way of our happiness.

By reciting those hatred, anger or disappointment, towards something/ somebody over and over again, you'll turn it into reality and makes it even worse and bigger than its actual size.

If you feed on it, it will grow and eat you alive.
Surely it's not how you want to live the days of your life?

Just give it a rest, let it go and focused on your own happiness for goodness sake! -_-'

We can say a prayer all of our lives and never knows the meaning.
We can sometimes know the meaning but never really understands it.
We can sometimes understand the meaning but never feel it touches our hearts.
We can sometimes feel that we're able to know and feel it in our heart, but turns out it's not even one tenth of it.

It amazes me to think that sometimes people can spend their entire life thinking that they understands something without ever knowing that they don't understand it at all.

May Allah lift the veils of limitations in our 5 senses and 6 directions and grant us all a clear heart and clear mind to be able to truly see, feel and understands as much as our weak human mind, body and soul can take..

:)

I sent out my thoughts and prayers to Allah.

And so does billions of other people; and even trillions of those sent by djinns, animals, plants, microbes.. Every living, breathing being in this universe pray to Allah. So Allah must be very busy. But yet He keeps on listening. And watching. And warmed your heart just by remembering His names. Because He loves you, and He will never ever desert you.

Countless of prayers and hopes sent out everyday, and yet not even one is overlooked or neglected. If you feel like you're being ignored, it means He has other plans for you. Wether to test your faith, or to be patient, or to teach you to embrace His will, because His plan for you will be much more beautiful than your own. He sees, He listen, and He knows what's on your mind and what's troubling you, for He is closer to you than you own vein.

So have faith, and never give up. But when the time comes for you to actually given up, be grateful. Because Allah has given you a chance to make a new start, and carved a new beautiful path in your life.

This Saturday afternoon, deliberately sitting in my room the whole day doing my virtual "responsibilities".
When I finally bored with everything else, I googled myself. *yeah, I know. The ever narcissistic.* :D
After *finally!* bored with myself, I googled one of my old friend.
Stumbled into her blog, and very surprised of some unfortunate event that just happened to her.

In a way we're in the same position. I can understand her feelings. It's every woman's nightmare. But her condition are much proven and already happened. While mine, remains in the midst of anxieties and prayers. And just hope for the best. :)

Again remembering the old times, and the good times that we have together. And what a sweet, easy and happy life we used to have. And how far we've come today. Married. Have jobs. New families. Different sets of friends. Different obsessions. Different social circles. Different expectations from people that surrounds you. Different "needs". And somehow all of those things has made our simple life become so much complicated.

I don't like that. I always feels that I have a blissfully simple life. And I want to keep it that way. Or maybe its because I have a very badly short & selective memory. :) Or maybe because it's me who'd never wanted to have anything to do with complicated things, and just brushed it out of my mind. Out of my life. :D

And today, while I'm having my monthly hormonal kick (and forget to take my evening primrose oil soft gels, damn),
I feel awful. I feel upset about many things. I hate this agonizing feelings, and I hope I can just be back to my old normal simple self.

But in any day, a very good thing to do to brighten your mood is this one simple verse : "Truly, in remembering Allah do hearts find rest." (13:28)

Have a good Saturday (or whatever's left of it) and may we all have a simple & happy life! :)

I wrote this as a note to myself. Men can't change. Whatever they say, whatever the excuses are, they just won't change -- and you just have to take it or leave it.

Men are like, .. Stones. You can't change the shape of a stone, especially with hard forces. You'll only break it, and it will left you with nothing. Sadness & loneliness, maybe. And hurting yourself along the way.

The way to change a stone, is with patience. Like water drips, everyday, for the longest time, but then you'll be able to see holes on that stone. Or you can shape the stone by chipping it, one soft thud at a time. And with patience, you will reach your goal. But never do it with full force.

Tonight I forget this golden rule. I know, and he knows-- that it's the best thing to do. But that stubborn mule brain of his got the better of him. As a result, disappointment ate me alive. And causing me an actual chest pain. :-( It reminds me how badly can emotional pain hurts your physical state of being. I forget that quite a lot.

Another problem is, can I accept him for what he is? Warts and all?

A gloomy Sunday afternoon, with dark clouds looming above the sky. I'm sitting at the bus, on my way to meet a stranger for some thing I want to buy (nothing illegal, I can assure you).

I keep my eyes on the small forest which stretch along the way from my suburban area to the city. And seeing those beautiful trees, I'm remembering Bintan.

Remembering the clear star-filled sky, and the magnificent giant trees which stand proud about 40m tall, stunningly and beautifully straight. The branches only show on the far top part of the tree. Before I don't really appreciate such a quality in a tree. It's very normal to me seeing straight trees, having lived my entire life in the island of Java, where teakwood is literally scattered everywhere; it makes all the canopied and widely branched trees of Singapore are stunningly beautiful to me. And with the average height of 30 meters and it's huge moldy branches spread out very dramatic and ever gracefully to shade any other lives below; it always reminds me of the most ancient and wise creature from the Middle Earth; the Ent.

But now I come to realize the value of straight trees I often see in Java. Especially the monetary value. In the old days, those giant straight trees can be easily cut down and carved into a boat for our brave Indonesian sailors to cross the limitless ocean. Or in the recent days, you can just have it cut down and smuggled it abroad for some hefty amount of money. It's THAT precious. But of course there's also an environmental value for such a big tree can absorb the average of 20.3 kg of carbon dioxide/ annum.

And back to the trees of Singapore, it makes me realize that all the trees here are just 'recently' planted. The Singapore government started their Garden City campaign from the 1960's; and that's when they planted all of these magnificent trees. And those trees are carefully picked for its easy maintenance, the beautiful colored flowers, the fragrant scent, the canopied shape, etc. Everything but its economical value. That's why the trees in Singapore are so much different from what I usually see in Indonesia, which obviously, everything is naturally grown. Or purposefully planted for its economy value. There are of course wee bits of planned landscape in the city planning, but I think it's not as advanced as in here (CMIIW). Here everything is planned, engineered, even a tree tucked away in the far corner of Woodlands, it was there for a purpose, and was carefully picked to serve that purpose. :D

I don't know why I get so excited talking about trees. I realized it since I moved here. Those trees evoke my amazement and curiosity. Maybe I was a tree in my previous life? A Bodhi tree which shades Buddha during his journey in finding enlightment? Or a very old creature of Middle Earth called Treebeard? :D

Just watched Amelia today, a story on Amelia Earhart. A bit of a sad ending movie, but that's not the point.

In this movie I saw how a real good partnership between a husband and wife works. The partnership between Amelia Earhart, and her husband and publisher George Putnam.

You see, Amelia was the "star", and George, as he humbly said, is a small grain of speckle in her constellation (or something like that.. :D). But in the movie it is definitely not like that. George was Amelia's rock, and her best supporter. He nurtured her, he contained all of her energy and directs it to better place. I think none of her achievement will be established without his support. And Amelia in this movie, was a very strong woman. One with a tunnel vision and a very strong will. And it took one hell of a person to be able to accommodate such a strong will and vision, and be able to contain it and direct it to a better place. And not once being shied away with his wife's successes. Because he's the one who helped her to make things happens.

He stands seemingly unseen in the shadow of her glory, but it's him who became the silent force that makes everything possible.

And THAT my friends, is a good partnership.

In a relationship between a husband and wife, there's no competition, not even about who make the most money or did most of the hard work. Because in a good partnership, it's all about supporting each other and nurturing each others passion so that together, they'll each grow to be a better person. Regardless who made the most money or who have done most of the hard work, because in the end, none of it will happen without the support of each other.

Well, I'm not really know if all those good partnership thing was only for the movie or it actually is like that. but anyways, it's a good inspiration nevertheless.

:)

Happy Saturday!

Back in the days, people sang songs not just about love; but about a city, or a flower, or an autumn leaves, or a piano, or an amusing bridge, or even about a very funny clown.

Nowadays people don’t write that kind of songs anymore. Most of the contemporary songs are all about hatred, frustration, depression, love, sex, body parts related to sex, or a broken heart. It's nice at times, but now it's getting boring. Does contemporary people really that self-minded and so unhappy they can't appreciate all the beautiful little things in life?

In that note I’ve made myself sound so ancient. Which I probably am. :D But I’m just too tired hearing songs about sex or anger or some sexual frustrations or body parts; or some songs with no clear meaning on the lyrics too.

What made me realize this is when I listen to Edith Piaf. I don’t understand a word she said, but I love her voice and I love the tunes, and that is all that matters to me. :D And the I look for lyrics of her songs, and it's a nice surprise to see that in fact most of her songs are about life, and whatever that touches her feelings at that time maybe, but definitely NOTHING on depression or hatred or body parts (CMIIW).

And then there's Owl City with their hit single Fireflies. That song really made my day. It's the most beautiful lyrics, beautiful tunes, and a beautiful video. And it makes me feel so happy just to listen to it. Link of the video is here, too bad I couldn't embed it to this post. :-S

Let's sing along then! :D

You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep

'Cause they'd fill the open air
And leave teardrops everywhere
You'd think me rude
But I would just stand and stare

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems

'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance

A foxtrot above my head
A sock hop beneath my bed
A disco ball is just hanging by a thread

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep

Leave my door open just a crack
(Please take me away from here)
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac
(Please take me away from here)
Why do I tire of counting sheep
(Please take me away from here)
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep

To ten million fireflies
I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell

But I'll know where several are
If my dreams get real bizarre
'Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams

And this is the cute guy who wrote the song :D

I woke up this morning with a gripping fear that I can easily die today if God wanted me to. Well I know that we can die anytime, but when I woke up this morning, the thought just came to me. And it scares me so much I couldn`t go back to sleep. :( I still feel so sleepy, but couldn`t go back to sleep.

I feel so anxious. And scared. That simply ANYTHING can happen to me today. While I`m here, alone. My husband is far away, and my family is even further. :(

I don`t want to die just yet. :( I want to have kids first, and to be able to watch them grow up to be great person. I want to build a decent family life first. With my husband right by my side. And I want to set my life right first. To be a good, kind and generous person. And hopefully to be able to help as many people as
I possibly can.

While sitting by the window, watching the rain and sipping a cup of delicious lemongrass tea; I`m thinking of beauty. A woman`s physical beauty. A beauty that would last only for 40 years, the most. But most physical beauties would only last for 20 to 30 years.

On my last trip home I went to see my Grandmother, and had an annual family gathering. My Aunt told me that she once saw a picture of my Grandmother when she was young, so very pretty, and none of her descendants are nearly as pretty as she used to. My Grandmother just smiled sheepishly at the remarks.

And I was just thinking, having lived with such beauty for, say, 40 years. And getting guys` attention in a full span of, say, 25 years. It`s more than half of your life (I meant the 40 years part). And gradually have to part with all of those privileges.. Seeing the beauty and the attention wears off day by day, each time you
look at the mirror, and each time a single line of wrinkles adorns your pretty face.

It must have been very hard.

It`s a good thing that I`m not THAT pretty :P At least I wouldn`t have such a hard time parting with I don`t have in the first place. :) But anyway, it reminds me, that`s why we need to invest more of our time, money and energy on something that can last much longer. Like intelligence, a good personality, or health. Or
our state of mental peace; or raising kids with intelligence and a good personality. :)

Here I am, sitting at the bus stop and just watch the falling leaves. I didn't know that the movement can be so relaxing to look at. And having the chance to just dissolve myself in that simple movement, without thinking about anything at all, feels like a real luxury.

Or maybe I already too tense, at the edge of breaking out? I don't know.

Say, 50 years ago, people who thinks that watching fallen leaves to be a luxury, may be deemed as lunatics. But then, 50 years ago they know nothing of internet, or mobile phones, or budget airlines, or laptops, or facebook, or wikipedia; and the earth is still a large scary unknown universe.

But now, the world has shrunk, into whatever size depends on how big is your monitor screen. Mostly would be 17 inch then.

And the faraway countries, is no longer a twilight zone, but merely a universal playground where everybody can just hop in anytime they want.

Sometimes it amazes and scares me to see how fast the world has changed, even during my short 28 years of life. Everything is moving so fast, whirling, twisting, twirling, sucking, grinding, dragging everything and everyone into God knows what. But from the pace I see now, it doesn't seems like a good thing.

So it's nice to be able to just stop for a while, just to watch leaves falling, or lay at the beach and stare blankly at the horizon, or just sit by your window and looking the blue skies ..

And nothing would be better than Macy Gray to put everything in one lovely tune called Slowly.

Would it be so bad, if we just stopped for a while ..
And enjoyed the thrills we could all be still let the world just pass us by
But it's all hurry hurry run run there's no time for this
We want more and more got to win got to score so afraid of what we'll miss
And it moves so fast; nothing lasts
This too here will come to pass
Wanna spend my days away from all the fuss
Wanna spend them with you baby but you're in a rush

Slowly
Why can't we just take our time
Slowly
I wish that we could take our time ..

Today, once again, I was being reminded that human is thoroughly helpless. We can only pray, and hope, and keep a good strong faith on whatever it is that you want.

And let God do the rest.

A few days ago I was so worried, about him, about his father, and how it will affect him, me, us, and it makes me even more sad and worried when I saw him so sad, restless and seems to be holding such a huge burden, but there`s nothing I can do to relieve his agony. I feel so helpless and I keep on wondering when does all this will end and how it will affect our future plans, for it will.

But then, when I already lose faith and prepare for the worst, suddenly everything is getting better.

Rapidly!!

I just can`t believe it, and all I can do is whispering my thanks and gratitude to God.

Really, all you need is a strong faith and a great deal of positivity and everything is going to be alright. :D

But even that simple task is pretty heavy for my insolent soul. Because we humans never know what`s good for us even if it was slapped into our faces. It shames me in seeing how impatient and narrow minded I can be some (most of the) time. :-S

But now that things are looking good, I`ll just keep on praying that it will stay like this for quite a long time.

Thank you God. :)

I don't have time to do this!

Jeez, that's the lamest excuse I have ever heard. And I hate hearing people keep saying that. You always have time for everything if you really wanted to, and if you at least try.

I don't do excuses and nonsense. I just try to do the best that I can. No excuses. No tai-chi's. But apparently everyone here is so good at it. I've never work in a place like this in Indonesia. But in my pre-Singapore experience for 5 years, I've never seen office tai-chi's being practised almost shamelessly. :-S

This morning at the bus on my way to the office I was reading "How Jane Won" by Sylvia Rimm. And I'm so inspired by those fabulous women and how determined are they to reach for whatever they wanted no matter the obstacles. The book is a compilation of 55 short stories on how they can achieve their current position. My favorite quote is from Shelley Berkley,

"Life is based on faith, but if you believe in youself, and you know what is important to you, you're going to be okay".

Awesomeee .. :D
I read only up to the 5th story, but when I get off the bus, already I feel so determined to do the best that I can do, and to work really hard to achieve what I want.

But then, when I get there, and reality hits me like a ton of bricks ... I've to admit that I do feel disappointed.

So, the question is, between tai-chi practitioners and hard workers; who will most likely to succeed?

The question above, I posted on Ask Yahoo!. I love Ask Yahoo!. I can ask just about anything, got an amusing answers along the way and boy I do have a lot of questions.

So, I just want to share my best answer by a guy called ieguy.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Actually, yes, penis size has evolved over time - that's one reason why humans have the largest one in the primate world.

Your statement, though, that Darwin somehow said that humans are evolving into something more appropriate to modern technology is in error. Natural Selection doesn't work that way. If human females, however, begin to preferentially choose males with larger, smaller, purple, crooked, or whatever penises and thus provide a selective advantage to such males that they leave more descendants - then that would drive a change in genotype and thus likely in phenotype and thus you would have a change.

Of course, don't forget that the female would also be under selective pressure for changes in their genitalia as well - it would have to be able to accommodate those crooked, larger, etc., males. (Males would have to accept and be willing to mate with any such females as well) AND the young they have would have to have a selective advantage come the next generation and so on.

Sometimes i wonder why we're so busy w/ the fake capitalistic beauties surrounds us, busy earning money to get more unnecessary pleasures and beauties, while we can get all the best things in life for free? Like the magnificent skies, the moon and the stars .. And a warm and joyful heart cause by the sight of a baby's smile, a dear friend's joke, or the warm hug of our loved ones.

I feel very weird this last few days.. I feel anxious and weird, and sad and bitter, and insecurity and doubt towards I don't know what..

I guess I'm losing my trust in him, but I don't know why..

I don't know where I went wrong. I don't know does God wants to tell me something, or this is just one of those low days, when I wasn't being myself..

I wanted to be the Wind, I wanted to be the Sun, I'll run recklessly chasing whatever dreams I got in my life.. I wanted to run up to the top of Everest and shouted to the whole world that I am capable of EVERYTHING.. And I'll be able to do whatever my heart told me, whenever I like.. No pretenses, no fake smiles, no blackened heart. I wanted to be free of everything, I wanted to be free of pain, of misery, of all the bad thought and bad things that poisoned the World. I wanted to be free, I wanted to be pure, I wanted to be sincere. I want to live in a world where no strategies, no lies, no deceit and no hypocrisy.. I wanted to live purely and innocently, in a pure world, with selfless people, kind and considerate as they'd always be..

Suddenly I feel tired of all this. Sick of having to depend so much on money. So I'd have to be either filthy rich, or so carelessly poor in the depth of rain forest in Kalimantan, dedicating myself to save the environment or try stopping the illegal logging, or just trying to educate the uncivilized tribes there, before they ate my flesh and hung my shrunkened head on a stick outside their village.. :))

I need tranquility, I need stability, I need comfort, and I need a peace of mind. I need to take a stroll up to a hill/ forest/ lake.. And just sit there watching the world spinning around me like there'll be no tomorrow.. And probably there won't be any, but at least I've made my peace.

I wanted to sit by my window, watch the sun goes down, blackened the skies, and just listen to the wind gushing and rain drops, doors banging and a distant human noises..

And I'm free.

Is this just PMS or do I really feel that he's gone weird? Really weird.. Little thing that adds up and grew big into something that really annoys me.. Into something I couldn't ignore anymore. This feeling has flooded inside me and ate me alive. Again, blackened my heart.

I just back from my parent's collague's son wedding. The short CV for the groom is, handsome (ex Abang Jakarta), come from a respectively wealthy family (due to his father's high position), have a very good future (he works for Slumbersea). Bottomline, the perfect bloodline, perfect future. And the wife, as we might already predict, is equally perfect. Perfectly beautiful (ex None Jakarta), with bling2 tv career as a news anchor girl or something. Life couldn't have been more perfect for the lucky couple. Some people are born like that. Things are served in silver plate. Shoveled to their beautiful mouths. Things that for some other people can only dream and drooled on.. I've to admit, for a while I feel a sheer jealousy. But now as I came to think of it, I still am very much blessed, and have to be (really) grateful for what God has given me.. The bride and groom can appear to be as perfect as they wanted to, but we never knew what's under the surface, and we can only assume.

As India Arie would say in her song, "..it's all about perception, and the paradise is in your mind.."

Titik titik keraguan mulai muncul, guratan kekecewaan sesekali tampak, ular ketidakpercayaan mulai menyusup masuk.. Tanda tanya, cemburu, gelisah, tak ada penjelasan, sedih, perubahan sikap, pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang tidak terjawab dan mulai melekat di hati, membusuk, menggerogoti..

Sebenarnya apa yang terjadi?

Ketika hati mulai menghitam dengan keraguan dan ketidakpercayaan, mataku nyalang mencoba mencari-cari kebenaran.. tangan dan kakiku menggapai-gapai kejujuran.. hidungku mencoba menangkap aroma kepastian.. telingaku ingin mendengar jawaban..

Tapi tidak ada yang muncul.





......





Apa yang akan terjadi?