A place where I can live, breathe, talk and see

I just back from my parent's collague's son wedding. The short CV for the groom is, handsome (ex Abang Jakarta), come from a respectively wealthy family (due to his father's high position), have a very good future (he works for Slumbersea). Bottomline, the perfect bloodline, perfect future. And the wife, as we might already predict, is equally perfect. Perfectly beautiful (ex None Jakarta), with bling2 tv career as a news anchor girl or something. Life couldn't have been more perfect for the lucky couple. Some people are born like that. Things are served in silver plate. Shoveled to their beautiful mouths. Things that for some other people can only dream and drooled on.. I've to admit, for a while I feel a sheer jealousy. But now as I came to think of it, I still am very much blessed, and have to be (really) grateful for what God has given me.. The bride and groom can appear to be as perfect as they wanted to, but we never knew what's under the surface, and we can only assume.

As India Arie would say in her song, "..it's all about perception, and the paradise is in your mind.."

Titik titik keraguan mulai muncul, guratan kekecewaan sesekali tampak, ular ketidakpercayaan mulai menyusup masuk.. Tanda tanya, cemburu, gelisah, tak ada penjelasan, sedih, perubahan sikap, pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang tidak terjawab dan mulai melekat di hati, membusuk, menggerogoti..

Sebenarnya apa yang terjadi?

Ketika hati mulai menghitam dengan keraguan dan ketidakpercayaan, mataku nyalang mencoba mencari-cari kebenaran.. tangan dan kakiku menggapai-gapai kejujuran.. hidungku mencoba menangkap aroma kepastian.. telingaku ingin mendengar jawaban..

Tapi tidak ada yang muncul.





......





Apa yang akan terjadi?

Pardon me if there’s an improper grammatical use in the above title, but that described exactly what I felt.

I’ve been anxiously waiting for his call for 1.5 hours, since 20.30. His body clock used to be very punctual, and he always slept at 22.00, so I think it’s pretty reasonable for me to worry where the hell is he at that hour, when he must’ve been very sleepy..

Each time passes I get worried even more. Why hadn’t he called? Is there something happened to him? What if he lied and instead of having a dinner feast with his office buddies he could’ve been having dinner with a girl or something? And my horribly creative minds are starting to generate plots and stories.. And I’m getting more and more worried…

I hate waiting. That’s for sure. But what I hate more is to wait without any certainty.

I was suffocated by my own thoughts and fears. And it’s so terribly poisoning that I could barely think clear. Or probably I was just sick of keep on using my reasons and wanted to dwell in what my heart has to say..

I don’t know probably I was just over-reacting or being childish. But you know what I really really wanted to hear?

I wanted to hear him say sorry for keeping me waiting, I want him to apologize for making me worried, and for all the tears I’ve shed..

Furthermore, I want him to pat my head, hold my hands, kiss my forehead and whispers that he’s sorry and he’ll never do that again..

But I think it’s just will never happen..