A place where I can live, breathe, talk and see

The climate crisis and it's derivatives (green living, low carbon emission, alternative energy, horrible disasters, etc) are today's hot issues.

In a way, I feel that this is Mother Nature's way to cleanse her self. Yes, all those disasters, the melting ice caps, the floods, the wild fires, the bursting volcanoes, the hunger, the elongated dry season, even the victims..

Buddha taught us that everything in this world is connected to each other, forming a perfect balance, the perfect equilibrium. And a positive disturbance at one part of the equilibrium will cause a harsh negative disturbance at the other part. And in our beloved earth, human has caused the equilibrium to shake, stir, twist, fold, skew, and almost torn. To keep this balance calmed, and to keep the equilibrium from torn apart, Mother Nature'd have to do a few things. To make things right. I just hope that the past bad karma we're paying off now isn't too devastating..

I accidentally bumped into Steve Pavlina's website (http://www.stevepavlina.com) and found this article titled 'How to Make Money from Your Blog'. It's a very interesting article, and I just realised that we CAN get money from blogging. Gee.. :-D I'm enlightened!!

And this last few days I'm fully mesmerised by my 'new' findings at the blogging world: Google AdSense!! And I FINNALY knows how to put an extra features (shoutbox, google search, ads, etc2) to my blog. I've been wondering for quite a while for that.. I'm never an internet tech junkie, you know..

Now I'm reading a material on how to promote my website, which could be a little difficult. Few tips from Steve Pavlina are to create valuable, original & timeless content. Things that my blog aren't. This could be a little tricky..

Anyway, just wish me goodluck, okay? :-D As my revenue (hopefully) grows I'll keep it posted in the blog. And don't forget to keep on clicking!! *big grin*

Many more interesting thing I read from his blog is this :
"While many entrepreneurs pursue money for the purpose of becoming wealthy, I choose a different route. I sought to earn money for the purpose of increasing my freedom."
and..
"Since the income generation is largely on autopilot, I can focus my time and energy on creating content instead of on doing marketing or trying to sell something."

This is so 100% true!! THIS is the term I've been looking for each time I talked about money and ambition with my friends. My friends took me as ambitious, but I feel more like needing more money to have more freedom in doing things I love. And having an income generation on autopilot, I've always wanted that. Not because I'm lazy, but mainly for me to have more time focusing on things that I like most (that can generates a whole lot of money, of course..)

And another good one is this :
"The funny thing is that the less I rely on money, the more of it I seem to have "
The above sentence might have something to do with the Secret. And again, it's 100% true.

And so, again, wish me all the best in venturing this new world of internet blog money-digging, and hope to see you again in the next post talking about my outstanding revenues ;-)

This morning a read a post at BLDGBLOG, and it's simply terrifying. It discusses the images by artists Pedro Armeste & Mario Gomez for this new new project by Greenpeace. It's images of how the earth landscape will be affected by global warming.

The pics are before and after pics; showing rising sea levels, aerial views of flooded cities with helpless skyscrapers, dry rivers, dry cropfields, and things like that. I've seen images like that before, but seeing it all over again, and reading the naration (please read the complete post on : http://www.bldgblog.blogspot.com/2007/11/climate-change-escapism.html) makes me think again about the world, life, and what really matters in our short, helpless life..

We're small, we're nothing, so why there are egomaniacs in this world with their politics and so-called power, who thinks they can play God? What will they do if all their money, politics and power are helpless against the forces of nature?

Definitely a good read. Thanks BLDGBLOG for sharing! :D

This isn't a political insight whatsoever, this is merely my thoughts. A thought that never seems to be out of my head and so I've share and post it on this blog. It's concerning this one sentence from Hamengku Buwono X on one of Andy Noya's interview session at Kick Andy that said (more or less.. *wink* ), "I don't want to run myself for President. If the people of Indonesia needs me, they'll come for me".

To me, it clarifies the whole 'satrio piningit' term (english: the undisclosed warrior). A real warrior never claimed itself as warrior. This is part of Javanese wisdom which (unfortunately) in this modern capitalist days are considered as the Javanese's lack of competitiveness, which kept us dumb, stupid and underestimated by others...

Oh well.. Anyway, I'm a Javanese too. Altough I'm considered uncompetitive, and always underestimated by others, I'm still proud to be a Javanese. *grin*

I just recently watch the Sultan Hamengku Bowono X interview with Andy Noya in Metro TV. It's a very inspiring and open minded interview.

He said that the world now is measured only by materialistic figures, and not by its humanity and religiousity, as it's supposed to be anymore. It hits me, because that's exactly how I felt. It's been on my mind for a while, and until now, I feel like something has gone wrong with me.

Is it just me? Or the world has gone totally crazy? I don't know what's wrong and what's right anymore, and I just don't know the words to express it.

Even my parents-- in relation with their obsession to see me working for PU-- I felt their dissapointment for me. To me, within their dissapointment I feel like they see me as a failed being, just because I couldn't make as much money as my cousin (who worked for PU, of course..) I felt bad about my parent's dissapointment, and I'm sad because they can only see me from that 1 point of view. Although I couldn't make as much money as my cousin, I'm still a good person like they've grown me to be. I'm honest, I'm smart, I've a good sense of design, I'm not corrupt, I'm happy, I care a great deal about the environment.. I'm a responsible citizen, and I am a good and happy person no matter how much money I can make. Can they just understands it? They still think that people without money is crippled in this society. No matter how good, how smart, how religious, how honest they are. And that kind of point of view just upsets me.

I hate the feeling they give me, I don't know, probably they'd feel it as their own failure or mine. But still a failure nevertheless. And I feel guilty for it. And I know I shouldn't! And they shouldn't also. It's just this materialistic and capitalistic ways of life has driven us all crazy, and forgetting the true meaning of why we're here. And what we're supposed to do in this world.

And in relation with the Sultan's interview, I'm touched with his honesty, his wisdom and his (trying to be) purity. He's fully aware of what his birth-right and lifetime super political power has brought him, and he knows exactly how to use it, wisely. That is to serve the community. It's very simple and I've heard it like a thousand times, but not until now did I realise how difficult that is. I think that the Sultan is raised to think of himself a servant for the community. To think that as a person with high position and super political power, he must be strong and selfless. Like a cup, to be fully functioned, it must be emptied first. Then he can be fully useful for others. That's just simply magnificent, and I hope that if everybody with power in this country can think like that, then Indonesia will have high hopes to be one of the leading superpowers of the world.

All the glitter and glam from working for the Government (PNS) has seduced almost 6million Indonesian people with bachelor degree into applying for any position available. Not to mention the ones with no degree-- they have to find a way to somehow, managed to get the bachelor diploma, whatever it takes. Money will make sure that hard work won't have anything to do with it.

I wanted a good life, I wanted to have loads, even tonnes of money, but I want to earn it the right way. At least for me. My Dad is a PNS, and I'm grateful for his love, for everything he has done for me, and I know he's a very good father, a wonderful person, and never a corruptor. It's just when you're working for the Government, it'll be dead hard to avoid receiving such money. It's inevitable.

I'll choose to carve my own path and leaving the easy road. May God be my guide along the way.. :-)

Money, that is. The very thing that makes the world go round. I hate how we're becoming so dependant to it; and how we've given up our morals, our personal pleasure, our dreams and hope for happiness, just in pursue of money. And I hate how even I, are thinking that I'll be very happy if I can get certain amount of money. A part of me are damn well know that happiness comes from within, not outside. And money won't make me happy.

I wanted to live my life the way I want it, fulfilling my passion, doing only things that makes me happy, be with the ones I love and loves me.. But somehow money holds them back from me.. :-(

Now I can proudly announce that I've heard the wedding bells.. ;-) the sound's still considered far, but closer than anything I've ever heard from this past 3 years :-D

I feel closer to him than ever, and knowing that he'd be a good and responsible husband has made me feel safe. I think I love him. It must be love. If not, what is? :-P I still have my dreams, and his support for my dreams has made me love him even more. I really really think I love him. Or I think I really really love him.. :-D

The only problem left is money. He feel he doesn't have enough money to show my parents so that he can take my hand in marriage and give me the 'proper' life, as they'd expect. I wanted to help. Oh God I honestly do. But what can I do? We can use up all of our money on house, car and a romantic honeymoon. That's all I want. But tradition told us to waste all of our savings on a silly celebration.. :-( What will happen if I told my parents that all I wanted is a simple akad nikah, a romantic honeymoon; a house and a car? :-D

Veeeery tempting...

First of all, I want to thank Allah for making me write again. it's been too long and now I feel very much relieved and.. Honestly it feels so much like home. So relaxing and peaceful. :-D But that's not what I wanted to talk about.

I wanted to talk abt this conversation I had with Andy, while we're discussing a possibility for him to work in Kalimantan. I told him I'd love to go with him, and just find another work there. And he responded, 'So you'll throw away your career in Jakarta?'. And I instantly laughed and said, 'What career? I don't have any career in Jakarta!'.

And here I am, re-playing that conversation in my head and think, damn.. I REALLY don't have any career in Jakarta.. :-P It struck me, because, well, I get paid pretty well, but for my talents, for what I can do, but it doesn't promise me any career advancement, yet. Not in this company I currently work for. So anyway, to get on with my so-called 'career', I need to get out of this useless company I am now and find another place to work.

I know I've been having this pattern since I graduated from university, and it doesn't give me any advantages besides being a real generalist instead of a specialist. And when I told Andy I wanted a career change, he's sort of freaked out.. :-))

Of course I wouldn't actually do that.. I'm not that reckless and naive, no matter how much I wanted to :-D

Maybe I just enjoy the creative world too much..

Anyway, now, honestly, I feel lost. I wanted to go to Singapore; I wanted to find a new job; I wanted to move to another city; my parents wants me to work for PU; I wanted to live peacefully in Jogja and learn how to make batik; I wanted to learn to sculpt, shape, cut, tore, paint, and just create and think with my hands; I wanted to be a successful and rich freelancer; I wanted to be a travel writer; I wanted to open my own store; I wanted to get married and have wonderful babies; I wanted to be a successful career woman but will always have time for family..

I just hope and pray to God that He will guide me to the best path.

:ameen..:

Is this just PMS or do I really feel that he's gone weird? Really weird.. Little thing that adds up and grew big into something that really annoys me.. Into something I couldn't ignore anymore. This feeling has flooded inside me and ate me alive. Again, blackened my heart.

I wanted to live a good life, with many true friends and people who actually cares, loves, and doesn't hate. I don't want to be corrupted by hatred nor other maggoty things of soul, I always wanted to see things fairly and clearly without prejudice towards anything. But there's always an exception, and there's this one object who seems to be such a pain is my a**. I felt her like a needle under the skin, I feel her negativity and hatred for me so big and I've to respond with almost similar resistance. But as you grew to know me, you should've known that I never does it frontally. I feel her negativity and it makes me very uncomfortable. It makes me sad and it got me thinking.. I've never meant any harm, verbally or implicitly, but I don't know, probably I've said done something that hurts her. Only God knows what. I'll never done anything to hurt others in my simple conscious, because I truly believes in karma. So what I've done to deserves such a hatred? It really got me thinking... *feeling so sad in early morning*

After talking to a friend I feel slightly better. I asked him how does he think of me, after all this time, have I changed or not (he's a friend from university so I figure he should be able to see the difference). Surprisingly enough he said that I've changed, but to something better. Design-wise, and economical wise. Well from those 2 points I think he's right. I'm afraid I'm going to sounds very ungrateful with what God has given me, but I feel I still have a lot of blanks to fill, a lot of things to do and accomplish. I couldn't just sit and see my life passes me by like this. I wanted to make my mark in this world, I wanted to make a change, I don't want to be common people, I wanted to be a free citizen of the world, I want to see the world, I want.. I don't know what I want anymore. S**t I'm so f***ed and clueless. :-( Probably I should take things easy and take 1 step at a time. And FOCUS, into something only God knows what.. But probably on this job. Be a great designer, and tries to make my mark with it. And then.., the next step would be WORLD DOMINATION!! LOL! Har har har har..

I just browse through my cd collection, looking for mp3s to put in my new 1gig micro SD when I found a data cd with my personal datas when I was still in university. It feels like I'm opening a pandora box. My past has flew fast in front of me and I miss it a lot. I was so full of energy and dreams, and I'm pursuing it with great determination. Compared to who I am now, I feel like dying.. I'm not who I am supposed to be anymore.. Maybe that's faith, but I miss my old me.. I miss myself.. I miss my dreams.. I miss pursuing them with great determination. Does one really have to choose at some point? Can't we just have it all? Where should I go? What should I do with the future that lies wide in front of me? Where should I go? What is it that I want? I feel completely clueless. But whatever it is, I've to found the answer soon. And I've to make my life far more productive than for just work.. And work.. And work. I am dead trapped in the rat race that I've always hate and tries to run from.

As a middle-low class costumer in a third world country, we're used to be pushed around by capital owners, pressed with low price, so even there's a saying "Costumer is King", we're basically at the mercy of those service providers/capital owners. Lay helpless at their feet, fooled and dragged around like a garbage bag. The government has never done a real thing to protect us, they're too busy doing things that we'll never understand, so we'd just have to protect ourselves. In any way, though most of the time it only seems like a useless effort.

What I experienced most often is in transportation. I don't have a car, and I couldn't afford a chauffeur, so I take that option out. I couldn't drive a motorcycle, not to mention it's a very unstable and unsafe vehicle, so that option goes out too. That leaves us with only the public transportation. Busses, trains, airplanes. They all have one thing in common. WE CAN'T TRUST THEM. It's a bitter and embarrassing truth, but that's our public transportation. We couldn't trust them with PUNCTUALITY, we couldn't trust them with SAFETY, we couldn't trust them with COSTUMER SERVICE. And those 3 are the most important factors of public transportation services. Just have a look around, take a pick, and I'll tell you a story of why we shouldn't trust that vehicle. So in this city we couldn't predict nor plan anything by the minute. We should be used on getting late to appointments, or wasting too much time by coming way too early. But either way, you already waste a great deal of time in your life by sitting unproductively in the vehicle. You don't have any bargaining power what soever. We're supposed to sit tight, wait, and be patient. Forever. This is a very ugly picture of how a city, a megapolitan works. No wonder everything in this city is ruined.

Sample #1, traffic jam.
In Jakarta, everybody are brainwashed, that it's okay to waste 3-6 hours a day just to sit and wait. Can you imagine, it's literally 10-25% of one's life/day. So if you live until 80 years old, you should dedicates 8-20 years of your life just to sit unproductively. What a great number.. Imagine what you can do with that wasted time.


Sample #2, busway.
Busway, or TransJakarta is the most prominent type of public transportation is Jakarta. Another embarrassing fact, that in the 21th century, 60years after Proklamasi Kemerdekaan (Liberty Declaration, that is..) THAT is our best and most advanced solution for traffic jam, which haven't really solved anything. And completed with a poor system of signage and public information, these busses are also hopeless. They're supposed to be the most prominent hemoglobin that runs along the most important veins and arteris of Jakarta, the hemoglobin that supposed to run smoothly so it can keep our body alive and well all the time. But like the hemoglobin of a fat person, it stuck on lumps of fat or God knows what, and it couldn't deliver itself on-time as it supposed to. And we're dead. If you decides to use this mode of transportation with a high hope of finally defeating Jakarta's deadly traffic jam in a very affordable and comfortable fashion, then you're so blindly wrong..

Sample #3, train.
Most inter-city trains that I've ever ride on are late. From 30mins to 3 hours. I don't know how about the KRL (Kereta Rel Listrik). Even a short trip from Bandung to Jakarta is 30mins late on arrival. What if on that fateful day I was foolishly decided to ride on a train to Jakarta and catch a bus to the airport from there? I'd definitely looking stupid by missing a plane, with over an hour late from departure. So.. Again, we must plan ahead, and add another few hour to spend unproductively. And again, we are defeated, fall helplessly at the stinky feet of public transportation business owners.

Sample #4, airport busses.
I've too many experience with these lazy busses so I'd risk on going to the airport by ojek (motorcycle) rather than the lazy bus. They don't seems to have a schedule, so they can park and wait for the bus to be full the whole day if they really have too. From bus station to airport or vice versa, it's the same thing. So customers are nothing. For this lazy busses the customers are like walking ATM, that generates money and have no right to complain, and doesn't even have a time constraint or any sense or urgency. In fact I don't even think they actually know that such word does exist. So it can be delivered whenever they feel like going.

Sample #5, airplanes.
I'm tired with the list so this is going to be the last entry, though I still have a lot of things at the back of my mind. Anyway, this last mode of transportation has been under the spotlight for a while. Since several horrible plane accidents, the government are getting strict about safety requirement. But again, they're victimize the weakest party, which is, as always, the customer. Over 100 ppl are lost on their way to Manado using AdamAir. Countless of ppl are delayed using various airplanes. And the latest experience happened to my parents. After canceling the AdamAir ticket to Surabaya, they finally bought AirAsia for 15.30. But when they showed up in airport, turns out that the 15.30 flight is canceled to 21.00. Yep, 5,5 hours delay. My parents are furious, but there's nothing they can do. So they just bought a new ticket, which is Lion Air, for 17.50 flight. After waited for a while, my parents can relax and just wait for the flight. But guess what happened? The flight was AGAIN delayed to 20.30! So much for a transportation we can rely on and trust. So you see, this 3 popular airlines are unbelievably unprofessional.

And now you're thinking, "What about the others??"

Today's Saturday. Sabbath day, the best day of the week. I just lay here, enjoy the fresh wind, listening to bird's chipping, peeking at the window, staring at the sky.. I daydreamed..

It must be great to be Karl Lagerfeld, Marc Jacobs, Zaha Hadid, and many of those famous beyond their wildest dream designers. And the world will be anxious to see even their smallest doodles/ scribbles. I didn't dare to dream, nevertheless setting a life goal to be like them, but if I could just wish.. I'd wish to be as established as them.

Designer isn't just a job. It's a dive into your soul, searching for the best solution of a case. It's not all about technical things, but also how we put people's life in the good care of our design and enhances the life quality. It's mainly about using your heart, being true and honest, in search for an answer, while taking advices from the brain and experience.

I'm getting sleepy.. I'm going to take a short nap, and getting ready for shopping later in the afternoon. My monthly supplies, and probably also personal supplies at the office.

*yawn..*

If there's anybody wondering why would I put 2nd instead of 1st, it's simply bcause yesterday I'm too tired and overworked. My body clock hasn't adjusted itself to this new pace of life. Anyhow, I feel excited. i think working in a consultant is a good choice for me. It's tiring, and it's only been 2 days, but I get excited. It's not what I expected, because at first I'm not excited at all. But I saw a big streak of silver lining on the horizon, and I've high hopes. Overworked and tired are meaningless compared to the feeling of having my work completed and soon will be built. The joy will doubles up, and I'm high in admiration & self content. Sounds very narcisstic, LOL, but it's true. It's only been 2 days, but I've learn a lot. So, doing what I really like, get paid pretty well and have the chance to learn a whole new things.. I just hope I could get a good career leap somehow..

Women are masochists by nature. Somehow they seek pain, they're in pain most of the times, and they also have great endurance against it. Physically AND mentally. I'm a women, so I know these things. But I don't speak in the name of all women because there's always an exception. The masochism level is tend to decrease each generation passes. Humankind evolutes, and women doubles the speed. But it's there, and it will always be, as it's always been part of the female's genetic code.

I don't have a specific criteria for men, but 2 things I know that they should have, that is a positive attitude, strong personality and ambition. And what's disappointing me is that, he has no ambition.. How can people live, or strive for a better future if they don't have ambition? One must have goal, and to live their lives based on this one goal. Dreams, ambition, or whatever you called it, is the fuel of life. It makes the world go round. And.. I don't know.. I know he's not perfect, and I am too, and I've learn to understands his dark sides, and to love our differences. But no ambition..? And I'm so full of dreams, I wanted to be able to do a lot of things.. I wanted to be the best in everything I do.. And I wanted someone I can share those dreams with.. How can I share my life with someone who doesn't even share the same goal in life? :-(

The students of SMUNIX is like the black sheep of the great block of most prestigious schools in Surabaya. It's just seems like it's been misplaced somehow, and it doesn't meant nor supposed to be there. There's nothing we can proud of as a school member. We're not as smart as the students of SMU 5; we're not as flashy and rich nor glam as the students of SMUN 2 & 1; we're just us, the not so special students of SMUNIX, who merely known for the bad habit of starting an inter-school fight. I've never be proud of my highschool. But everything just came back to me now. After saw an old highschool pal on a tv show, introduced as Kris Intellects-- whatever that means. And then I saw one more as a tv news anchor, and another one as a talkshow home-band singer. It's like a series of .. Well.. Coincidences. And I thought, maybe this is it. I finally came to understand what makes my highschool so special and actually deserves a place in the prestigious block. We're not bunch of losers after all. We can be somebody. And ducks can be turned to swans somehow. Not like it matters now.. But strangely enough, it does..

I just back from my parent's collague's son wedding. The short CV for the groom is, handsome (ex Abang Jakarta), come from a respectively wealthy family (due to his father's high position), have a very good future (he works for Slumbersea). Bottomline, the perfect bloodline, perfect future. And the wife, as we might already predict, is equally perfect. Perfectly beautiful (ex None Jakarta), with bling2 tv career as a news anchor girl or something. Life couldn't have been more perfect for the lucky couple. Some people are born like that. Things are served in silver plate. Shoveled to their beautiful mouths. Things that for some other people can only dream and drooled on.. I've to admit, for a while I feel a sheer jealousy. But now as I came to think of it, I still am very much blessed, and have to be (really) grateful for what God has given me.. The bride and groom can appear to be as perfect as they wanted to, but we never knew what's under the surface, and we can only assume.

As India Arie would say in her song, "..it's all about perception, and the paradise is in your mind.."

I used to dream about being of housewife of a succesfull husband.. But now, on a second thought, I will NEVER be a housewife no matter what. Men these days are unbelievable. In the most negative way possible. They're like, don't have any respect for their wives anymore, especially when they already have a lot of money and feel like he can buy the world.. And by not working, we're stripped out of our political and economical power. And what happened if we need money to help our parents/family? Or to splurge on something just to know that we can afford those? Or just to share it with others in need? We might not be THAT lucky to found a spouse that's really understanding.. I'm talking reality here. We always wanted to found our soulmate, someone who's perfect for us in everyway.. We wanted everything to be perfectly romantic like in the movies.. But there are girls who'd have to face the hard fact that love just don't don't come easy. And a sweet, romantic, kind, rich, faithful, handsome, smart guys don't just go wandering around everywhere like alley cats. We need to work hard for that love. And if everything don't go right, we might need a divorce. And a lady divorcee, with no job, no money and a lot of kids equals disaster.. Or we might ended up gone ballistic and just keep swallowing our anger, up to the point that it'd kill us. Or before we kill our spouse.. ;-) Kidding..! Anyway, I hope I'll never be a pure housewife, or if I really have, God please give me an almost perfect (because nobody's perfect..) husband.. ;-)

We've been together for 2.5 years now.. We already have a joint account for our mutual future needs (i.e marriage) although we haven't really plan to be married in the near future.
And however close we are as a couple, when it comes to money, I just realise that we're not as trusting and cooperative to each other as I thought we were.. It shocked me a bit. And I just remember an old saying that even our husbands/wives are never will be an actual part of our family. Because blood is thicker than anything else, and family is more important than a spouse. It would be great if our spouse can actually understands us, and our family. But if they can't, then it's a great shame.. Therefore an Indonesian marriage is more complicated than others, simply because when we are married to someone it means that we're marrying the whole family. And as I grew older and (hopefully) come closer to that stage of life (marriage), I realized how true every old saying is..

A spouse is just a spouse, a mere way to have an offspring. But in God's eye even our family means nothing, except for an obedient child who'll pray to Allah for forgiveness of our sins.. That's why I always wanted a child, children.. As my love-bite mark to the world, and to pray for my forgiveness when I die.

There's also one old saying that I don't like, but it's always on my mind because it might be true.. That we could never love our parents as much as they love us.. And the same thing for us and our children. It's a shame because I really love my parents and hopefully I can repay their love and kindness someday.. Which I knew I'll never can...

This new year's resolution (Imlek that is.., even though I'm not celebrating it but this year the energy is very strong) is to flow positive energy as much as possible into my life. Last year I've been talking too much, obsessed with something that I don't really want, confused and hopeless.. So for this year I'm not after the material goal, instead I'm going to work on my personality and way of life. It will look like a (material) set back, which actually is a (spiritual) fast track advancement. This year I really wanted to focus, have a clear goal and start to work my plan and aiming from there. This year I will also have a positive attitude towards everything, and I'll be grateful for every blessings Allah has given to my life. I wanted to be closer to Allah, I wanted to share my happiness with others. I wanted to be kind to create a good karma. It sounds easy, but trust me, it's not. As a start, whatever job I'll ended up with next month, I'll try to be grateful and make the best out of it.. Believing that it's Allah's way to show me which the best path to go. Trying to accept that however bad it looked for now, I'll come to realize that IT IS the best option.. Amen.

always like writing. And somehow my un-published, un-socialized blog has been the very place, online, inside the www, highly accessible and yet unknown to the world, where I can actually live and breathe. My secret garden, away from the world. And it brought up the second question, which is why exactly did you put it in the www? A secret garden supposed to be, well.. Secret. I might as well just wrote a diary, in a notebook, if you really don't want to share it to the rest of the world. Well, honestly I don't have an answer to that..

ANYWAY ..

Before I know mobile blogging, blogging would a once-a-month-if-I-can-remember activity. A place to post an opinion abt highly disturbing issues. But now thanks to my dearest E70, blogger.com and the internet-- my blog has literally turned into a friend.. A silent friend who would listen to my crap (obviously) and in the long term I think it would give a positive tribute to my mental health.. ---- it's desperate, I know.. :-(

We'll never be happy if we don't stop for a while, count our blessings and be grateful for that.. I ran amock and confused with desperation and fear for something that's not really there, when I should be smiling and count my blessings.. *sigh* after all I'm only human.. All praise for Allah, Lord of the Universe ..

I wanted a career.. I wanted to be a Senior Manager in some flashy company, highly overpaid to do the things that I've a great passion with, the things i love most.. I want soul serenity balanced with all the best in life's happiness..

Have i done a mistake?
Have i took the wrong and mislead pathways along the line?
A dear friend's right, I need a target.
I need a goal.

Probably 15million Indonesian salary before i hit 30?
And my own company before i hit 35?
And make it a huge success before i hit 40?
And what if i failed?


......





Shit.

I don't know.

We just have to find out, and stick to the plan..

So... Whatever it is to come, just face it with a smile. We made plans, but destiny's giving it a turn.. And we have to turn, or we'll be frustrated and go crazy. Don't try to fight it, but just go with the flow.. And make the best out of the turn.. I might be unhappy ended up working in a consultant -- something i dread and avoid since graduation. But now here i am..

Let's just make the best out of this journey. And always remember to give the best out of you. Don't ever be lazy because life's hard, and it will need a lot of power, strength and persistence. Simply be the best, and work hard. God help me to be the best in whatever i do, give me the power to be strong and persistent. Give me the courage to fight, and please give me the light and accompany me along the way.. Amen. Whatever happened during my 1year and 11month of service in this company is precious, and i will treasure it all my life. It's a worthy experience, and i think in a way God is preparing me for a bright future.. :)

Titik titik keraguan mulai muncul, guratan kekecewaan sesekali tampak, ular ketidakpercayaan mulai menyusup masuk.. Tanda tanya, cemburu, gelisah, tak ada penjelasan, sedih, perubahan sikap, pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang tidak terjawab dan mulai melekat di hati, membusuk, menggerogoti..

Sebenarnya apa yang terjadi?

Ketika hati mulai menghitam dengan keraguan dan ketidakpercayaan, mataku nyalang mencoba mencari-cari kebenaran.. tangan dan kakiku menggapai-gapai kejujuran.. hidungku mencoba menangkap aroma kepastian.. telingaku ingin mendengar jawaban..

Tapi tidak ada yang muncul.





......





Apa yang akan terjadi?

I looked up to my Mother. I think she’s a very graceful lady, strong, powerful, a natural leader, yet very social and likable. I always wanted to be like her. She’s (originally) not very pretty. But she’s attractive, and only with a light (but right) make up, it can lighten up her face and make her looked very pretty.

I liked watching her doing make up. I like to see her face changes, and when she already fully dressed, seeing how graceful she is, and I always thought, will I ever be like her?

I then looked at the mirror, and thinks, how ugly I am. I’ll never be as graceful, as social, and as likable as she. I’ll never get to be a natural leader like her because I’m too shy. I was more like my Father, physically and personally, but not as smart.

My Mother has all the EQ, and my Father has his high IQ. They’re a perfect match, though naturally very different in so many ways. But I inherited none of the good things.
I’m a mixed of the entire negative thing my parents has. Well, I’m not always THIS negative, but that thought came to my mind pretty often.

As a child I was in the verge of abnormally-quiet. I’m so shy and quiet, I didn’t even say a word when I realized that there’s a cockroach, just died because I stepped on it (obviously!), inside my shoe. And I carry that cockroach in my shoe all day in school, hoping that nobody would realize the strange smell coming out of my shoe..

But as I grew up I have more friends, and I became less neither shy nor quiet. And soon after I graduated, I’ve my first serious relationship (not just a fling or a desperate attempt to have one although we both know it’s not possible..), and I feel my confidence escalated. Not too high, but enough to learn about all the social skill required. And then I get to know make up. I mean not just knowing, but really KNOW. Well, not 100% knowing, but enough. I learn that I too can look pretty. And I too can be as graceful as my Mother. I think that’s my turning point. In fact, I think I inherited my Mother’s gracefulness. And how my face can also be lighten up by using the right make-up, and my strength and power. I’m not as social and likable as her, but I’m still happy with who I am, and I have my good friends to support me. And I know I’m not a natural leader like her, but as my career grew higher I think I can learn about being a leader along the way. And right at this point, I can look back and see how I grew up, and I really appreciate the process. And the most important thing is that I can make my parents proud of me.

Pardon me if there’s an improper grammatical use in the above title, but that described exactly what I felt.

I’ve been anxiously waiting for his call for 1.5 hours, since 20.30. His body clock used to be very punctual, and he always slept at 22.00, so I think it’s pretty reasonable for me to worry where the hell is he at that hour, when he must’ve been very sleepy..

Each time passes I get worried even more. Why hadn’t he called? Is there something happened to him? What if he lied and instead of having a dinner feast with his office buddies he could’ve been having dinner with a girl or something? And my horribly creative minds are starting to generate plots and stories.. And I’m getting more and more worried…

I hate waiting. That’s for sure. But what I hate more is to wait without any certainty.

I was suffocated by my own thoughts and fears. And it’s so terribly poisoning that I could barely think clear. Or probably I was just sick of keep on using my reasons and wanted to dwell in what my heart has to say..

I don’t know probably I was just over-reacting or being childish. But you know what I really really wanted to hear?

I wanted to hear him say sorry for keeping me waiting, I want him to apologize for making me worried, and for all the tears I’ve shed..

Furthermore, I want him to pat my head, hold my hands, kiss my forehead and whispers that he’s sorry and he’ll never do that again..

But I think it’s just will never happen..

A New Year is coming, a new challenge is ahead us. As listening to prophecies being told about what will happened in the coming years makes me feel uneasy. I just hope and pray that all of my loved ones are safe, and that I can still share something for those in needs. And it’s only the 1st day of 2007 when we heard the shocking news of accidents everywhere. Plane crashes, ship drowns, flood, land slides, me office-less..

I keep praying and hoping to God to save us all…

Amen..

After a chat with a dear friend, discussing nothing and everything, we finally talked about my surroundings. Friends. Girl friends. And it just strikes me that 3 of my closest circles are having an affair with non-single guys. With the recent issues of polygamy, cheating husbands, and I just sit, watching the news and keep asking myself, what’s happening to the world?
As a girl with boyfriend, I’d definitely will tear off any girl who tries to play around with my guy, let alone having an affair with him. And vice versa, if I happened to be single. If we don’t like to be hit, don’t hit others. It’s a simple karma rule.

But why does it keep on happening?

Honestly, I don’t have an answer for this one. I guess it’s just a matter of statistics, which I always heard that the female populations are outnumbering the males. But does it justify treachery? And what will happen to the world if we cannot trust our lovers any longer? If we can no longer trust our own souls? And what is the solution to that?

Then I come to my 3 closest circles to seek for an answer. And one said that it’s because she’s lonely. She’s never the cheating type, but loneliness beats good sense. Rather pathetic, but it’s a fact.

The 2nd friend said that it’s simply lust. And she never found someone as “good” as this guy she’s been involved with.

While my 3rd friend said, well, she’s having a hard time looking for a permanent lover, while the hormones are pushing out all the times, and she HAS to find someone, even if it makes her to be a part-time lover.

And me, when I was single and desperately looking, it really is hard to find an eligible nice single straight guys who wants me.. And having some relationship with non-single guys is interesting and fun. It’s one of the ways to prove myself (or is it just an apology? ) better than other girls, and that I am still wanted.. And I can tease the guy and (hopefully) talked him into leaving his current girlfriend. Pathetic hope. Sad but true. Sad because, I could’ve ended up being only a part-time lover while he keeps having fun with his girlfriend(s). That’s what happened to my 2nd friend, by the way. He promised her that he’ll break up with his girlfriend and make her his. And instead of make her his, he gets himself another girl, whilst making my friend his permanent part-timers.

I really don’t know how to conclude this, but just take good care of yourselves. And do what is considered right to your heart.. Which I believe is the ultimate truth.