A place where I can live, breathe, talk and see

A few days ago I show my online portfolio to a friend. And he saw my little flickr photos slide show attached, at the top right corner.

xx : Are you into photography now?
me : ...
me : Nope. I just love capturing precious moments
xx : wow, your photos are very colorful
me : yeah, well that's how I see the world

This short conversation shows that :

1. I'm afraid of the word photography. Strange as it may seem, but in my head, that word correlates with highly expensive gadgets and whatever special techniques and buttons to press and knobs to turn which obviously I don't have any interest to buy or study. So, no, I'm not into photography. I just love capturing the moments, precious moments, my precious moments. And with my handy dandy pocket camera, I'm trying my best to freeze those moments the way I see it, and put it in my treasure box. And with the fact that I'm a sucker for composition, beauty, colors and photoshop, it makes my pictures has a few nice compositions and angles and colors and whatever. But no techniques, obviously.

2. I definitely love colors. :)) You can see it right away from my streams of pictures. That's why I became so fascinated by Bangkok. It's a damn colorful city and I'm loving every corner of it.

And today, I once again brought my faithful hand dandy pocket camera to the Waterfools show. A French water acrobatic show at Boat Quay, as an opening to the Singapore Art Festival for the whole month. I brought my camera, to capture the moments. The show starts at 8. It was a fascinating show and I enjoy it very very much. Then I took my camera and starts clicking away to capture the moments. But none of the clicks came out good. Maybe because of the lack of light and tripod. :( And then I thought why don't I just record the show on video? So then, I finally am capturing the moments, in videos. Which I think is a better media to capture the moments than photos, as you can see all the movements, and even listen to the music and fireworks play.

But you know what, none of the recording tools can really capture the essence of the show, with all its beauties. Nothing. Honestly!

What we capture on videos, and what we've seen on tv, is only 10% of the actual excitement and beauty. I just realize that fact when I replay the videos and comparing it with the memory of the show in my mind.

It's nothing compared to the real thing.

And on the contrary, a good photographs, can capture the moments really well. Sometimes even better than the actual condition. Which explains how often are we get fooled by jaw-dropping pictures of tourist destinations.

This topic has lingered my mind for quite a while, and I still haven't got the hold of the entire topic, but I thought I'll just blurt it out here. Just so you know. :P

As in the Secret has always said, don't underestimate the power of your mind. Visualize, and make yourself believe that you deserve whatever thing that you want. Be happy about it, and visualize, and you'll attract those things to come to you.

Well, then, explain this.

How can one who has a strong feeling for somebody else (I'm talking about love here) for quite a while, somehow fail to attract the object of one's affection? If our visualization and belief is so strong, the why we have unrequited love and obsession in this world?

* referring to my own experience of unrequited love and crazy infatuation * :D why?

In a book I read, the heroine said (more less), that we can never go wrong with a good book. We can be lost or lonely in foreign places, but with a good book to accompany us we'll always feel.. secure. I couldn't agree more with that. That's so true. And I also think that's why I always feel so happy and secure once I bought books I like.

Now it's getting worse, since I've known this very cool 2nd hand bookshop place which is full of all the titles I like at a very good price. Now it's like an addiction. I have my own rules that I won't buy another book if I haven't finish the one I'm reading right now, unless it's a very very good bargain, or something that has something to do with work or other life's emergencies.

But now, I bought new books once a week, especially when it's the weekend and I've no idea what to do. Once every 2 weeks if I've something else to keep me occupied. But books has always been my last resort. My best friend. Well, a best friend I can get comfort from(by reading it, of course) whenever I wanted and I don't have to give/ do something in return. Maybe books are the best invention for a selfish brat like me. Other than dildos, of course. But then again, I never had nor experience one (yet!), so books has always been on top of my list.

I just realised how much I hate airports.

Maybe I'm just being sentimental, but that's what I feel right now. Taking my baby brother to the airport, and having to say goodbye, it's just the hardest thing. I hate goodbyes, and basically I hate all the places where we should experience it. Especially with those close to our hearts. I always have this lonely, sulky, sinking feeling each time I leave those venues, more often are airports.

And with all those many shopping places, restaurants, executive lounges, are they supposed to make our goodbyes easier? It sure isn't working for me. The designer of these airports should've come up with better ideas you know. They should've known that none of these material things matters when we're separated with those close to our hearts. Maybe instead of more retail spaces, there should be more free world-wide payphones, mosques/ chapels or meditation spaces, or maybe if they really can't do anything to lessen the pain of goodbyes, at the very least they should've made the fastest getaway path out of the building, instead of making me walk through the long, out of proportioned and empty hallways, taking a few minutes sky train rides, went up and down the long escalator.. Instead they should've made a magical glass elevator like Willy Wonka's, that can transport me anywhere in a zap.

Oh well..

This last few weeks I had the craziest infatuation.

I'm about to be married in a year (or less), but here I am, lusting and blushing and get all flipped out over this person I never even talked to! Well, that's if the interview session isn't counted.. It's shameful, I know that. I cannot even talked about it to my friends, so I just let it out here.

The most embarrassing moment is today, at lunch. When we're having lunch with all the Indonesians, then I caught a glimpse of him. And then I pretend not to look at him, while my heart is doing a trapeze dance. And then my friends says hi to him, so I had to look at him and smile. And he smiles back.



...

...



And there.


My face's burning.


My heart stopped beating for a second.


And I couldn't breathe..


:DD *LOL* *sigh*




Jeez, it's been too long since the last time I had this crazy infatuations. The last I can remember is with Boni :D My first is with my brother's friend, the 2nd is also, the 3rd is with this guy at high school, and Boni, and now, 4 years later, HIM.

Oh I'm so ashamed!!!! :(((( My reactions are stupid and crazy, and yet I couldn't helped it! Maybe it's because I've been away from my boyfriend for far too long..?

It's fun, just not to get bored at the office, but I think I get over reacted, and my reaction is very embarrassing.. :(( I feel like a stupid lovesick puppy..

I need to get over this crazy infatuation, although I kind of liked the feeling :D Ah, the desperate girl.. So I searched on Google for his name, but the result is too many.. :P and I just don't have the heart to go browse one by one.

Anyway, I'll be back to update on this. Especially on his availability. :P

I met Surya Paloh today. He's checking out my design in a hair salon, on his gym session break, for a mere minute, shook my hand, tell me it's great, and walked away. Just like that.

After hours of preparations, several commuting routes from the supplier, an hour plus of waiting, and heaps of documents to carry along. Not that I'm complaining, but it's just.. Too much.

Anyway, it's the first time I talked to a celebrity. Not just the usual your everyday infotainment celebrities, but someone of high power and wealth. But then, he's still rank pretty low amongst other rich Indonesians.

Which got me thinking.. Me, who never gets anxious into being at proximity with someone famous, finally gets anxious! :)) So I'm not entirely immune to celebrity-dom after all...

Did you know how people who thought they are at a higher social & economic level than others tends to take others for granted? This act has been done by my boss, just to show (supposedly) me that he's better than me. Well, in age and wealth, that's definitely. He's a good a lot older and richer. And for some people, that kind of act may cause them to give more respect, but not me. I found that act ridiculous. And I've never pay respect for someone who wouldn't respect others.

No, the title isn't some figure of speech. The title clearly telling you that I am dreaming about Soeharto, last night. It's a weird dream, and I woke up instantly, because of the heat and the mosquito bites, of course.

After all it's not a bad dream, definitely not a nightmare, just a weird dream. Why would on earth I dreamt of Soeharto? I could've just dreamt of my late Grandmother, it's far better, and I miss her too.

In my dream, I was his grand daughter. He's sitting on a bench wearing black shirt, and I asked him how is he doing? He looked healthy and younger than he is now, and he told me he's fine. That's all I can remember. But maybe that's all. No more, no less.

Anyway, I looked up at dreamdoctor, and I checked on the dictionary under C, for Celebrity. Yep, Soeharto is a celebrity of his kind, whatever that is. And it said that it's a sign, that I'm going to be elevated into a celebrity level. Or a higher level than I am now. Woww.. I never even thought of it.. It sounds like a good idea though. Let's just hope so, and also hope for the best, that this is going to be a good sign for my new Singapore adventure.. :-D

I feel very weird this last few days.. I feel anxious and weird, and sad and bitter, and insecurity and doubt towards I don't know what..

I guess I'm losing my trust in him, but I don't know why..

I don't know where I went wrong. I don't know does God wants to tell me something, or this is just one of those low days, when I wasn't being myself..

" I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."

Pardon me for not being able to spot this image up to 10 months after the biggest flood in Jakarta.. I'm trying to, with my limited resorces, but I've tried.

And this is the very first publication of the sumur resapan diagrams I've ever seen.

We should have this picture socialized to the whole community months ago!! This image is do damn important, I wonder why people doesn't even care to apply this simple technique to make our world, our city, a better place.

It's the very least thing we can do...

I wanted to be the Wind, I wanted to be the Sun, I'll run recklessly chasing whatever dreams I got in my life.. I wanted to run up to the top of Everest and shouted to the whole world that I am capable of EVERYTHING.. And I'll be able to do whatever my heart told me, whenever I like.. No pretenses, no fake smiles, no blackened heart. I wanted to be free of everything, I wanted to be free of pain, of misery, of all the bad thought and bad things that poisoned the World. I wanted to be free, I wanted to be pure, I wanted to be sincere. I want to live in a world where no strategies, no lies, no deceit and no hypocrisy.. I wanted to live purely and innocently, in a pure world, with selfless people, kind and considerate as they'd always be..

Suddenly I feel tired of all this. Sick of having to depend so much on money. So I'd have to be either filthy rich, or so carelessly poor in the depth of rain forest in Kalimantan, dedicating myself to save the environment or try stopping the illegal logging, or just trying to educate the uncivilized tribes there, before they ate my flesh and hung my shrunkened head on a stick outside their village.. :))

I need tranquility, I need stability, I need comfort, and I need a peace of mind. I need to take a stroll up to a hill/ forest/ lake.. And just sit there watching the world spinning around me like there'll be no tomorrow.. And probably there won't be any, but at least I've made my peace.

I wanted to sit by my window, watch the sun goes down, blackened the skies, and just listen to the wind gushing and rain drops, doors banging and a distant human noises..

And I'm free.

I just saw the Golden Compass yesterday, and it's interesting that daemons and their humans can't be separated. Daemons are part of the human soul, and if they are to be separated, it'll drive each other crazy and they'd have to endured an excruciating pain to the level of death.

That's exactly how I feel when I don't see or at least talked to him. If we were living in the Golden Compass parallel world, I think I'm becoming his daemon, or he's becoming mine. This fact I learned yesterday, when I got mad at him over a thing, and I decided to ignore him. But the more I try to ignore & hate him, the more my heart aches. I'm trying to hurt him, but the fact that it hurts me also..

And then once again I pray to God, for God to show me the way, and to separate our hearts if we weren't meant to be, and to holds our hearts together if we're meant to be.. And apparently, later that night, the anger has gone and we're lovers again.. ;-)

The war against carbon gasses emissions has gone to an insane level, I think.

Not long ago I read about scientists has found that paddy (yes, our very own paddy, the one plant that Dewi Sri has given her name for) emits quite a significant number of carbon into the atmosphere, and now the scientists are trying to develop an 'environmental friendly' paddy (gee, the term itself disgusts me.. :-P). Can anyone see the weirdness of those lines? I thought the word 'environmental friendly' is only for those things that aren't existed naturally in nature. But PADDY??!?!?! Hmm, well, apparently not.. :-P That's 1 forgiven ridiculousness. And I thought, we can forgive this one. After all, if it's worth for the sake of the whole society, then why not?

But then came the 2nd news that changes my opinion almost entirely. Which is, scientists has done research on cows, and it turns out that their farts emits a 'significant' (I don't know what that word actually means anymore..) carbon gasses to the atmosphere; while kangaroo's fart are more 'environmentally friendly' than cows. And now scientists are doing a research to make cows fart like kangaroos. Now how stupid is THAT??

This war against carbon gasses has gone from denial, skeptical, thriving, supportive to obsessed and ridiculous.

Or maybe it is way easier to make a different kind of paddy, or to make cows farts like kangaroos; than banned capitalists & crazy industrial businesses in countries like USA and China?

The climate crisis and it's derivatives (green living, low carbon emission, alternative energy, horrible disasters, etc) are today's hot issues.

In a way, I feel that this is Mother Nature's way to cleanse her self. Yes, all those disasters, the melting ice caps, the floods, the wild fires, the bursting volcanoes, the hunger, the elongated dry season, even the victims..

Buddha taught us that everything in this world is connected to each other, forming a perfect balance, the perfect equilibrium. And a positive disturbance at one part of the equilibrium will cause a harsh negative disturbance at the other part. And in our beloved earth, human has caused the equilibrium to shake, stir, twist, fold, skew, and almost torn. To keep this balance calmed, and to keep the equilibrium from torn apart, Mother Nature'd have to do a few things. To make things right. I just hope that the past bad karma we're paying off now isn't too devastating..

I accidentally bumped into Steve Pavlina's website (http://www.stevepavlina.com) and found this article titled 'How to Make Money from Your Blog'. It's a very interesting article, and I just realised that we CAN get money from blogging. Gee.. :-D I'm enlightened!!

And this last few days I'm fully mesmerised by my 'new' findings at the blogging world: Google AdSense!! And I FINNALY knows how to put an extra features (shoutbox, google search, ads, etc2) to my blog. I've been wondering for quite a while for that.. I'm never an internet tech junkie, you know..

Now I'm reading a material on how to promote my website, which could be a little difficult. Few tips from Steve Pavlina are to create valuable, original & timeless content. Things that my blog aren't. This could be a little tricky..

Anyway, just wish me goodluck, okay? :-D As my revenue (hopefully) grows I'll keep it posted in the blog. And don't forget to keep on clicking!! *big grin*

Many more interesting thing I read from his blog is this :
"While many entrepreneurs pursue money for the purpose of becoming wealthy, I choose a different route. I sought to earn money for the purpose of increasing my freedom."
and..
"Since the income generation is largely on autopilot, I can focus my time and energy on creating content instead of on doing marketing or trying to sell something."

This is so 100% true!! THIS is the term I've been looking for each time I talked about money and ambition with my friends. My friends took me as ambitious, but I feel more like needing more money to have more freedom in doing things I love. And having an income generation on autopilot, I've always wanted that. Not because I'm lazy, but mainly for me to have more time focusing on things that I like most (that can generates a whole lot of money, of course..)

And another good one is this :
"The funny thing is that the less I rely on money, the more of it I seem to have "
The above sentence might have something to do with the Secret. And again, it's 100% true.

And so, again, wish me all the best in venturing this new world of internet blog money-digging, and hope to see you again in the next post talking about my outstanding revenues ;-)

This morning a read a post at BLDGBLOG, and it's simply terrifying. It discusses the images by artists Pedro Armeste & Mario Gomez for this new new project by Greenpeace. It's images of how the earth landscape will be affected by global warming.

The pics are before and after pics; showing rising sea levels, aerial views of flooded cities with helpless skyscrapers, dry rivers, dry cropfields, and things like that. I've seen images like that before, but seeing it all over again, and reading the naration (please read the complete post on : http://www.bldgblog.blogspot.com/2007/11/climate-change-escapism.html) makes me think again about the world, life, and what really matters in our short, helpless life..

We're small, we're nothing, so why there are egomaniacs in this world with their politics and so-called power, who thinks they can play God? What will they do if all their money, politics and power are helpless against the forces of nature?

Definitely a good read. Thanks BLDGBLOG for sharing! :D

This isn't a political insight whatsoever, this is merely my thoughts. A thought that never seems to be out of my head and so I've share and post it on this blog. It's concerning this one sentence from Hamengku Buwono X on one of Andy Noya's interview session at Kick Andy that said (more or less.. *wink* ), "I don't want to run myself for President. If the people of Indonesia needs me, they'll come for me".

To me, it clarifies the whole 'satrio piningit' term (english: the undisclosed warrior). A real warrior never claimed itself as warrior. This is part of Javanese wisdom which (unfortunately) in this modern capitalist days are considered as the Javanese's lack of competitiveness, which kept us dumb, stupid and underestimated by others...

Oh well.. Anyway, I'm a Javanese too. Altough I'm considered uncompetitive, and always underestimated by others, I'm still proud to be a Javanese. *grin*

I just recently watch the Sultan Hamengku Bowono X interview with Andy Noya in Metro TV. It's a very inspiring and open minded interview.

He said that the world now is measured only by materialistic figures, and not by its humanity and religiousity, as it's supposed to be anymore. It hits me, because that's exactly how I felt. It's been on my mind for a while, and until now, I feel like something has gone wrong with me.

Is it just me? Or the world has gone totally crazy? I don't know what's wrong and what's right anymore, and I just don't know the words to express it.

Even my parents-- in relation with their obsession to see me working for PU-- I felt their dissapointment for me. To me, within their dissapointment I feel like they see me as a failed being, just because I couldn't make as much money as my cousin (who worked for PU, of course..) I felt bad about my parent's dissapointment, and I'm sad because they can only see me from that 1 point of view. Although I couldn't make as much money as my cousin, I'm still a good person like they've grown me to be. I'm honest, I'm smart, I've a good sense of design, I'm not corrupt, I'm happy, I care a great deal about the environment.. I'm a responsible citizen, and I am a good and happy person no matter how much money I can make. Can they just understands it? They still think that people without money is crippled in this society. No matter how good, how smart, how religious, how honest they are. And that kind of point of view just upsets me.

I hate the feeling they give me, I don't know, probably they'd feel it as their own failure or mine. But still a failure nevertheless. And I feel guilty for it. And I know I shouldn't! And they shouldn't also. It's just this materialistic and capitalistic ways of life has driven us all crazy, and forgetting the true meaning of why we're here. And what we're supposed to do in this world.

And in relation with the Sultan's interview, I'm touched with his honesty, his wisdom and his (trying to be) purity. He's fully aware of what his birth-right and lifetime super political power has brought him, and he knows exactly how to use it, wisely. That is to serve the community. It's very simple and I've heard it like a thousand times, but not until now did I realise how difficult that is. I think that the Sultan is raised to think of himself a servant for the community. To think that as a person with high position and super political power, he must be strong and selfless. Like a cup, to be fully functioned, it must be emptied first. Then he can be fully useful for others. That's just simply magnificent, and I hope that if everybody with power in this country can think like that, then Indonesia will have high hopes to be one of the leading superpowers of the world.

All the glitter and glam from working for the Government (PNS) has seduced almost 6million Indonesian people with bachelor degree into applying for any position available. Not to mention the ones with no degree-- they have to find a way to somehow, managed to get the bachelor diploma, whatever it takes. Money will make sure that hard work won't have anything to do with it.

I wanted a good life, I wanted to have loads, even tonnes of money, but I want to earn it the right way. At least for me. My Dad is a PNS, and I'm grateful for his love, for everything he has done for me, and I know he's a very good father, a wonderful person, and never a corruptor. It's just when you're working for the Government, it'll be dead hard to avoid receiving such money. It's inevitable.

I'll choose to carve my own path and leaving the easy road. May God be my guide along the way.. :-)

Money, that is. The very thing that makes the world go round. I hate how we're becoming so dependant to it; and how we've given up our morals, our personal pleasure, our dreams and hope for happiness, just in pursue of money. And I hate how even I, are thinking that I'll be very happy if I can get certain amount of money. A part of me are damn well know that happiness comes from within, not outside. And money won't make me happy.

I wanted to live my life the way I want it, fulfilling my passion, doing only things that makes me happy, be with the ones I love and loves me.. But somehow money holds them back from me.. :-(

Now I can proudly announce that I've heard the wedding bells.. ;-) the sound's still considered far, but closer than anything I've ever heard from this past 3 years :-D

I feel closer to him than ever, and knowing that he'd be a good and responsible husband has made me feel safe. I think I love him. It must be love. If not, what is? :-P I still have my dreams, and his support for my dreams has made me love him even more. I really really think I love him. Or I think I really really love him.. :-D

The only problem left is money. He feel he doesn't have enough money to show my parents so that he can take my hand in marriage and give me the 'proper' life, as they'd expect. I wanted to help. Oh God I honestly do. But what can I do? We can use up all of our money on house, car and a romantic honeymoon. That's all I want. But tradition told us to waste all of our savings on a silly celebration.. :-( What will happen if I told my parents that all I wanted is a simple akad nikah, a romantic honeymoon; a house and a car? :-D

Veeeery tempting...

First of all, I want to thank Allah for making me write again. it's been too long and now I feel very much relieved and.. Honestly it feels so much like home. So relaxing and peaceful. :-D But that's not what I wanted to talk about.

I wanted to talk abt this conversation I had with Andy, while we're discussing a possibility for him to work in Kalimantan. I told him I'd love to go with him, and just find another work there. And he responded, 'So you'll throw away your career in Jakarta?'. And I instantly laughed and said, 'What career? I don't have any career in Jakarta!'.

And here I am, re-playing that conversation in my head and think, damn.. I REALLY don't have any career in Jakarta.. :-P It struck me, because, well, I get paid pretty well, but for my talents, for what I can do, but it doesn't promise me any career advancement, yet. Not in this company I currently work for. So anyway, to get on with my so-called 'career', I need to get out of this useless company I am now and find another place to work.

I know I've been having this pattern since I graduated from university, and it doesn't give me any advantages besides being a real generalist instead of a specialist. And when I told Andy I wanted a career change, he's sort of freaked out.. :-))

Of course I wouldn't actually do that.. I'm not that reckless and naive, no matter how much I wanted to :-D

Maybe I just enjoy the creative world too much..

Anyway, now, honestly, I feel lost. I wanted to go to Singapore; I wanted to find a new job; I wanted to move to another city; my parents wants me to work for PU; I wanted to live peacefully in Jogja and learn how to make batik; I wanted to learn to sculpt, shape, cut, tore, paint, and just create and think with my hands; I wanted to be a successful and rich freelancer; I wanted to be a travel writer; I wanted to open my own store; I wanted to get married and have wonderful babies; I wanted to be a successful career woman but will always have time for family..

I just hope and pray to God that He will guide me to the best path.

:ameen..:

Is this just PMS or do I really feel that he's gone weird? Really weird.. Little thing that adds up and grew big into something that really annoys me.. Into something I couldn't ignore anymore. This feeling has flooded inside me and ate me alive. Again, blackened my heart.

I wanted to live a good life, with many true friends and people who actually cares, loves, and doesn't hate. I don't want to be corrupted by hatred nor other maggoty things of soul, I always wanted to see things fairly and clearly without prejudice towards anything. But there's always an exception, and there's this one object who seems to be such a pain is my a**. I felt her like a needle under the skin, I feel her negativity and hatred for me so big and I've to respond with almost similar resistance. But as you grew to know me, you should've known that I never does it frontally. I feel her negativity and it makes me very uncomfortable. It makes me sad and it got me thinking.. I've never meant any harm, verbally or implicitly, but I don't know, probably I've said done something that hurts her. Only God knows what. I'll never done anything to hurt others in my simple conscious, because I truly believes in karma. So what I've done to deserves such a hatred? It really got me thinking... *feeling so sad in early morning*

After talking to a friend I feel slightly better. I asked him how does he think of me, after all this time, have I changed or not (he's a friend from university so I figure he should be able to see the difference). Surprisingly enough he said that I've changed, but to something better. Design-wise, and economical wise. Well from those 2 points I think he's right. I'm afraid I'm going to sounds very ungrateful with what God has given me, but I feel I still have a lot of blanks to fill, a lot of things to do and accomplish. I couldn't just sit and see my life passes me by like this. I wanted to make my mark in this world, I wanted to make a change, I don't want to be common people, I wanted to be a free citizen of the world, I want to see the world, I want.. I don't know what I want anymore. S**t I'm so f***ed and clueless. :-( Probably I should take things easy and take 1 step at a time. And FOCUS, into something only God knows what.. But probably on this job. Be a great designer, and tries to make my mark with it. And then.., the next step would be WORLD DOMINATION!! LOL! Har har har har..

I just browse through my cd collection, looking for mp3s to put in my new 1gig micro SD when I found a data cd with my personal datas when I was still in university. It feels like I'm opening a pandora box. My past has flew fast in front of me and I miss it a lot. I was so full of energy and dreams, and I'm pursuing it with great determination. Compared to who I am now, I feel like dying.. I'm not who I am supposed to be anymore.. Maybe that's faith, but I miss my old me.. I miss myself.. I miss my dreams.. I miss pursuing them with great determination. Does one really have to choose at some point? Can't we just have it all? Where should I go? What should I do with the future that lies wide in front of me? Where should I go? What is it that I want? I feel completely clueless. But whatever it is, I've to found the answer soon. And I've to make my life far more productive than for just work.. And work.. And work. I am dead trapped in the rat race that I've always hate and tries to run from.

As a middle-low class costumer in a third world country, we're used to be pushed around by capital owners, pressed with low price, so even there's a saying "Costumer is King", we're basically at the mercy of those service providers/capital owners. Lay helpless at their feet, fooled and dragged around like a garbage bag. The government has never done a real thing to protect us, they're too busy doing things that we'll never understand, so we'd just have to protect ourselves. In any way, though most of the time it only seems like a useless effort.

What I experienced most often is in transportation. I don't have a car, and I couldn't afford a chauffeur, so I take that option out. I couldn't drive a motorcycle, not to mention it's a very unstable and unsafe vehicle, so that option goes out too. That leaves us with only the public transportation. Busses, trains, airplanes. They all have one thing in common. WE CAN'T TRUST THEM. It's a bitter and embarrassing truth, but that's our public transportation. We couldn't trust them with PUNCTUALITY, we couldn't trust them with SAFETY, we couldn't trust them with COSTUMER SERVICE. And those 3 are the most important factors of public transportation services. Just have a look around, take a pick, and I'll tell you a story of why we shouldn't trust that vehicle. So in this city we couldn't predict nor plan anything by the minute. We should be used on getting late to appointments, or wasting too much time by coming way too early. But either way, you already waste a great deal of time in your life by sitting unproductively in the vehicle. You don't have any bargaining power what soever. We're supposed to sit tight, wait, and be patient. Forever. This is a very ugly picture of how a city, a megapolitan works. No wonder everything in this city is ruined.

Sample #1, traffic jam.
In Jakarta, everybody are brainwashed, that it's okay to waste 3-6 hours a day just to sit and wait. Can you imagine, it's literally 10-25% of one's life/day. So if you live until 80 years old, you should dedicates 8-20 years of your life just to sit unproductively. What a great number.. Imagine what you can do with that wasted time.


Sample #2, busway.
Busway, or TransJakarta is the most prominent type of public transportation is Jakarta. Another embarrassing fact, that in the 21th century, 60years after Proklamasi Kemerdekaan (Liberty Declaration, that is..) THAT is our best and most advanced solution for traffic jam, which haven't really solved anything. And completed with a poor system of signage and public information, these busses are also hopeless. They're supposed to be the most prominent hemoglobin that runs along the most important veins and arteris of Jakarta, the hemoglobin that supposed to run smoothly so it can keep our body alive and well all the time. But like the hemoglobin of a fat person, it stuck on lumps of fat or God knows what, and it couldn't deliver itself on-time as it supposed to. And we're dead. If you decides to use this mode of transportation with a high hope of finally defeating Jakarta's deadly traffic jam in a very affordable and comfortable fashion, then you're so blindly wrong..

Sample #3, train.
Most inter-city trains that I've ever ride on are late. From 30mins to 3 hours. I don't know how about the KRL (Kereta Rel Listrik). Even a short trip from Bandung to Jakarta is 30mins late on arrival. What if on that fateful day I was foolishly decided to ride on a train to Jakarta and catch a bus to the airport from there? I'd definitely looking stupid by missing a plane, with over an hour late from departure. So.. Again, we must plan ahead, and add another few hour to spend unproductively. And again, we are defeated, fall helplessly at the stinky feet of public transportation business owners.

Sample #4, airport busses.
I've too many experience with these lazy busses so I'd risk on going to the airport by ojek (motorcycle) rather than the lazy bus. They don't seems to have a schedule, so they can park and wait for the bus to be full the whole day if they really have too. From bus station to airport or vice versa, it's the same thing. So customers are nothing. For this lazy busses the customers are like walking ATM, that generates money and have no right to complain, and doesn't even have a time constraint or any sense or urgency. In fact I don't even think they actually know that such word does exist. So it can be delivered whenever they feel like going.

Sample #5, airplanes.
I'm tired with the list so this is going to be the last entry, though I still have a lot of things at the back of my mind. Anyway, this last mode of transportation has been under the spotlight for a while. Since several horrible plane accidents, the government are getting strict about safety requirement. But again, they're victimize the weakest party, which is, as always, the customer. Over 100 ppl are lost on their way to Manado using AdamAir. Countless of ppl are delayed using various airplanes. And the latest experience happened to my parents. After canceling the AdamAir ticket to Surabaya, they finally bought AirAsia for 15.30. But when they showed up in airport, turns out that the 15.30 flight is canceled to 21.00. Yep, 5,5 hours delay. My parents are furious, but there's nothing they can do. So they just bought a new ticket, which is Lion Air, for 17.50 flight. After waited for a while, my parents can relax and just wait for the flight. But guess what happened? The flight was AGAIN delayed to 20.30! So much for a transportation we can rely on and trust. So you see, this 3 popular airlines are unbelievably unprofessional.

And now you're thinking, "What about the others??"

Today's Saturday. Sabbath day, the best day of the week. I just lay here, enjoy the fresh wind, listening to bird's chipping, peeking at the window, staring at the sky.. I daydreamed..

It must be great to be Karl Lagerfeld, Marc Jacobs, Zaha Hadid, and many of those famous beyond their wildest dream designers. And the world will be anxious to see even their smallest doodles/ scribbles. I didn't dare to dream, nevertheless setting a life goal to be like them, but if I could just wish.. I'd wish to be as established as them.

Designer isn't just a job. It's a dive into your soul, searching for the best solution of a case. It's not all about technical things, but also how we put people's life in the good care of our design and enhances the life quality. It's mainly about using your heart, being true and honest, in search for an answer, while taking advices from the brain and experience.

I'm getting sleepy.. I'm going to take a short nap, and getting ready for shopping later in the afternoon. My monthly supplies, and probably also personal supplies at the office.

*yawn..*

If there's anybody wondering why would I put 2nd instead of 1st, it's simply bcause yesterday I'm too tired and overworked. My body clock hasn't adjusted itself to this new pace of life. Anyhow, I feel excited. i think working in a consultant is a good choice for me. It's tiring, and it's only been 2 days, but I get excited. It's not what I expected, because at first I'm not excited at all. But I saw a big streak of silver lining on the horizon, and I've high hopes. Overworked and tired are meaningless compared to the feeling of having my work completed and soon will be built. The joy will doubles up, and I'm high in admiration & self content. Sounds very narcisstic, LOL, but it's true. It's only been 2 days, but I've learn a lot. So, doing what I really like, get paid pretty well and have the chance to learn a whole new things.. I just hope I could get a good career leap somehow..

Women are masochists by nature. Somehow they seek pain, they're in pain most of the times, and they also have great endurance against it. Physically AND mentally. I'm a women, so I know these things. But I don't speak in the name of all women because there's always an exception. The masochism level is tend to decrease each generation passes. Humankind evolutes, and women doubles the speed. But it's there, and it will always be, as it's always been part of the female's genetic code.

I don't have a specific criteria for men, but 2 things I know that they should have, that is a positive attitude, strong personality and ambition. And what's disappointing me is that, he has no ambition.. How can people live, or strive for a better future if they don't have ambition? One must have goal, and to live their lives based on this one goal. Dreams, ambition, or whatever you called it, is the fuel of life. It makes the world go round. And.. I don't know.. I know he's not perfect, and I am too, and I've learn to understands his dark sides, and to love our differences. But no ambition..? And I'm so full of dreams, I wanted to be able to do a lot of things.. I wanted to be the best in everything I do.. And I wanted someone I can share those dreams with.. How can I share my life with someone who doesn't even share the same goal in life? :-(

The students of SMUNIX is like the black sheep of the great block of most prestigious schools in Surabaya. It's just seems like it's been misplaced somehow, and it doesn't meant nor supposed to be there. There's nothing we can proud of as a school member. We're not as smart as the students of SMU 5; we're not as flashy and rich nor glam as the students of SMUN 2 & 1; we're just us, the not so special students of SMUNIX, who merely known for the bad habit of starting an inter-school fight. I've never be proud of my highschool. But everything just came back to me now. After saw an old highschool pal on a tv show, introduced as Kris Intellects-- whatever that means. And then I saw one more as a tv news anchor, and another one as a talkshow home-band singer. It's like a series of .. Well.. Coincidences. And I thought, maybe this is it. I finally came to understand what makes my highschool so special and actually deserves a place in the prestigious block. We're not bunch of losers after all. We can be somebody. And ducks can be turned to swans somehow. Not like it matters now.. But strangely enough, it does..

I just back from my parent's collague's son wedding. The short CV for the groom is, handsome (ex Abang Jakarta), come from a respectively wealthy family (due to his father's high position), have a very good future (he works for Slumbersea). Bottomline, the perfect bloodline, perfect future. And the wife, as we might already predict, is equally perfect. Perfectly beautiful (ex None Jakarta), with bling2 tv career as a news anchor girl or something. Life couldn't have been more perfect for the lucky couple. Some people are born like that. Things are served in silver plate. Shoveled to their beautiful mouths. Things that for some other people can only dream and drooled on.. I've to admit, for a while I feel a sheer jealousy. But now as I came to think of it, I still am very much blessed, and have to be (really) grateful for what God has given me.. The bride and groom can appear to be as perfect as they wanted to, but we never knew what's under the surface, and we can only assume.

As India Arie would say in her song, "..it's all about perception, and the paradise is in your mind.."

I used to dream about being of housewife of a succesfull husband.. But now, on a second thought, I will NEVER be a housewife no matter what. Men these days are unbelievable. In the most negative way possible. They're like, don't have any respect for their wives anymore, especially when they already have a lot of money and feel like he can buy the world.. And by not working, we're stripped out of our political and economical power. And what happened if we need money to help our parents/family? Or to splurge on something just to know that we can afford those? Or just to share it with others in need? We might not be THAT lucky to found a spouse that's really understanding.. I'm talking reality here. We always wanted to found our soulmate, someone who's perfect for us in everyway.. We wanted everything to be perfectly romantic like in the movies.. But there are girls who'd have to face the hard fact that love just don't don't come easy. And a sweet, romantic, kind, rich, faithful, handsome, smart guys don't just go wandering around everywhere like alley cats. We need to work hard for that love. And if everything don't go right, we might need a divorce. And a lady divorcee, with no job, no money and a lot of kids equals disaster.. Or we might ended up gone ballistic and just keep swallowing our anger, up to the point that it'd kill us. Or before we kill our spouse.. ;-) Kidding..! Anyway, I hope I'll never be a pure housewife, or if I really have, God please give me an almost perfect (because nobody's perfect..) husband.. ;-)

We've been together for 2.5 years now.. We already have a joint account for our mutual future needs (i.e marriage) although we haven't really plan to be married in the near future.
And however close we are as a couple, when it comes to money, I just realise that we're not as trusting and cooperative to each other as I thought we were.. It shocked me a bit. And I just remember an old saying that even our husbands/wives are never will be an actual part of our family. Because blood is thicker than anything else, and family is more important than a spouse. It would be great if our spouse can actually understands us, and our family. But if they can't, then it's a great shame.. Therefore an Indonesian marriage is more complicated than others, simply because when we are married to someone it means that we're marrying the whole family. And as I grew older and (hopefully) come closer to that stage of life (marriage), I realized how true every old saying is..

A spouse is just a spouse, a mere way to have an offspring. But in God's eye even our family means nothing, except for an obedient child who'll pray to Allah for forgiveness of our sins.. That's why I always wanted a child, children.. As my love-bite mark to the world, and to pray for my forgiveness when I die.

There's also one old saying that I don't like, but it's always on my mind because it might be true.. That we could never love our parents as much as they love us.. And the same thing for us and our children. It's a shame because I really love my parents and hopefully I can repay their love and kindness someday.. Which I knew I'll never can...

This new year's resolution (Imlek that is.., even though I'm not celebrating it but this year the energy is very strong) is to flow positive energy as much as possible into my life. Last year I've been talking too much, obsessed with something that I don't really want, confused and hopeless.. So for this year I'm not after the material goal, instead I'm going to work on my personality and way of life. It will look like a (material) set back, which actually is a (spiritual) fast track advancement. This year I really wanted to focus, have a clear goal and start to work my plan and aiming from there. This year I will also have a positive attitude towards everything, and I'll be grateful for every blessings Allah has given to my life. I wanted to be closer to Allah, I wanted to share my happiness with others. I wanted to be kind to create a good karma. It sounds easy, but trust me, it's not. As a start, whatever job I'll ended up with next month, I'll try to be grateful and make the best out of it.. Believing that it's Allah's way to show me which the best path to go. Trying to accept that however bad it looked for now, I'll come to realize that IT IS the best option.. Amen.

always like writing. And somehow my un-published, un-socialized blog has been the very place, online, inside the www, highly accessible and yet unknown to the world, where I can actually live and breathe. My secret garden, away from the world. And it brought up the second question, which is why exactly did you put it in the www? A secret garden supposed to be, well.. Secret. I might as well just wrote a diary, in a notebook, if you really don't want to share it to the rest of the world. Well, honestly I don't have an answer to that..

ANYWAY ..

Before I know mobile blogging, blogging would a once-a-month-if-I-can-remember activity. A place to post an opinion abt highly disturbing issues. But now thanks to my dearest E70, blogger.com and the internet-- my blog has literally turned into a friend.. A silent friend who would listen to my crap (obviously) and in the long term I think it would give a positive tribute to my mental health.. ---- it's desperate, I know.. :-(

We'll never be happy if we don't stop for a while, count our blessings and be grateful for that.. I ran amock and confused with desperation and fear for something that's not really there, when I should be smiling and count my blessings.. *sigh* after all I'm only human.. All praise for Allah, Lord of the Universe ..

I wanted a career.. I wanted to be a Senior Manager in some flashy company, highly overpaid to do the things that I've a great passion with, the things i love most.. I want soul serenity balanced with all the best in life's happiness..

Have i done a mistake?
Have i took the wrong and mislead pathways along the line?
A dear friend's right, I need a target.
I need a goal.

Probably 15million Indonesian salary before i hit 30?
And my own company before i hit 35?
And make it a huge success before i hit 40?
And what if i failed?


......





Shit.

I don't know.

We just have to find out, and stick to the plan..

So... Whatever it is to come, just face it with a smile. We made plans, but destiny's giving it a turn.. And we have to turn, or we'll be frustrated and go crazy. Don't try to fight it, but just go with the flow.. And make the best out of the turn.. I might be unhappy ended up working in a consultant -- something i dread and avoid since graduation. But now here i am..

Let's just make the best out of this journey. And always remember to give the best out of you. Don't ever be lazy because life's hard, and it will need a lot of power, strength and persistence. Simply be the best, and work hard. God help me to be the best in whatever i do, give me the power to be strong and persistent. Give me the courage to fight, and please give me the light and accompany me along the way.. Amen. Whatever happened during my 1year and 11month of service in this company is precious, and i will treasure it all my life. It's a worthy experience, and i think in a way God is preparing me for a bright future.. :)

Titik titik keraguan mulai muncul, guratan kekecewaan sesekali tampak, ular ketidakpercayaan mulai menyusup masuk.. Tanda tanya, cemburu, gelisah, tak ada penjelasan, sedih, perubahan sikap, pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang tidak terjawab dan mulai melekat di hati, membusuk, menggerogoti..

Sebenarnya apa yang terjadi?

Ketika hati mulai menghitam dengan keraguan dan ketidakpercayaan, mataku nyalang mencoba mencari-cari kebenaran.. tangan dan kakiku menggapai-gapai kejujuran.. hidungku mencoba menangkap aroma kepastian.. telingaku ingin mendengar jawaban..

Tapi tidak ada yang muncul.





......





Apa yang akan terjadi?

I looked up to my Mother. I think she’s a very graceful lady, strong, powerful, a natural leader, yet very social and likable. I always wanted to be like her. She’s (originally) not very pretty. But she’s attractive, and only with a light (but right) make up, it can lighten up her face and make her looked very pretty.

I liked watching her doing make up. I like to see her face changes, and when she already fully dressed, seeing how graceful she is, and I always thought, will I ever be like her?

I then looked at the mirror, and thinks, how ugly I am. I’ll never be as graceful, as social, and as likable as she. I’ll never get to be a natural leader like her because I’m too shy. I was more like my Father, physically and personally, but not as smart.

My Mother has all the EQ, and my Father has his high IQ. They’re a perfect match, though naturally very different in so many ways. But I inherited none of the good things.
I’m a mixed of the entire negative thing my parents has. Well, I’m not always THIS negative, but that thought came to my mind pretty often.

As a child I was in the verge of abnormally-quiet. I’m so shy and quiet, I didn’t even say a word when I realized that there’s a cockroach, just died because I stepped on it (obviously!), inside my shoe. And I carry that cockroach in my shoe all day in school, hoping that nobody would realize the strange smell coming out of my shoe..

But as I grew up I have more friends, and I became less neither shy nor quiet. And soon after I graduated, I’ve my first serious relationship (not just a fling or a desperate attempt to have one although we both know it’s not possible..), and I feel my confidence escalated. Not too high, but enough to learn about all the social skill required. And then I get to know make up. I mean not just knowing, but really KNOW. Well, not 100% knowing, but enough. I learn that I too can look pretty. And I too can be as graceful as my Mother. I think that’s my turning point. In fact, I think I inherited my Mother’s gracefulness. And how my face can also be lighten up by using the right make-up, and my strength and power. I’m not as social and likable as her, but I’m still happy with who I am, and I have my good friends to support me. And I know I’m not a natural leader like her, but as my career grew higher I think I can learn about being a leader along the way. And right at this point, I can look back and see how I grew up, and I really appreciate the process. And the most important thing is that I can make my parents proud of me.

Pardon me if there’s an improper grammatical use in the above title, but that described exactly what I felt.

I’ve been anxiously waiting for his call for 1.5 hours, since 20.30. His body clock used to be very punctual, and he always slept at 22.00, so I think it’s pretty reasonable for me to worry where the hell is he at that hour, when he must’ve been very sleepy..

Each time passes I get worried even more. Why hadn’t he called? Is there something happened to him? What if he lied and instead of having a dinner feast with his office buddies he could’ve been having dinner with a girl or something? And my horribly creative minds are starting to generate plots and stories.. And I’m getting more and more worried…

I hate waiting. That’s for sure. But what I hate more is to wait without any certainty.

I was suffocated by my own thoughts and fears. And it’s so terribly poisoning that I could barely think clear. Or probably I was just sick of keep on using my reasons and wanted to dwell in what my heart has to say..

I don’t know probably I was just over-reacting or being childish. But you know what I really really wanted to hear?

I wanted to hear him say sorry for keeping me waiting, I want him to apologize for making me worried, and for all the tears I’ve shed..

Furthermore, I want him to pat my head, hold my hands, kiss my forehead and whispers that he’s sorry and he’ll never do that again..

But I think it’s just will never happen..

A New Year is coming, a new challenge is ahead us. As listening to prophecies being told about what will happened in the coming years makes me feel uneasy. I just hope and pray that all of my loved ones are safe, and that I can still share something for those in needs. And it’s only the 1st day of 2007 when we heard the shocking news of accidents everywhere. Plane crashes, ship drowns, flood, land slides, me office-less..

I keep praying and hoping to God to save us all…

Amen..

After a chat with a dear friend, discussing nothing and everything, we finally talked about my surroundings. Friends. Girl friends. And it just strikes me that 3 of my closest circles are having an affair with non-single guys. With the recent issues of polygamy, cheating husbands, and I just sit, watching the news and keep asking myself, what’s happening to the world?
As a girl with boyfriend, I’d definitely will tear off any girl who tries to play around with my guy, let alone having an affair with him. And vice versa, if I happened to be single. If we don’t like to be hit, don’t hit others. It’s a simple karma rule.

But why does it keep on happening?

Honestly, I don’t have an answer for this one. I guess it’s just a matter of statistics, which I always heard that the female populations are outnumbering the males. But does it justify treachery? And what will happen to the world if we cannot trust our lovers any longer? If we can no longer trust our own souls? And what is the solution to that?

Then I come to my 3 closest circles to seek for an answer. And one said that it’s because she’s lonely. She’s never the cheating type, but loneliness beats good sense. Rather pathetic, but it’s a fact.

The 2nd friend said that it’s simply lust. And she never found someone as “good” as this guy she’s been involved with.

While my 3rd friend said, well, she’s having a hard time looking for a permanent lover, while the hormones are pushing out all the times, and she HAS to find someone, even if it makes her to be a part-time lover.

And me, when I was single and desperately looking, it really is hard to find an eligible nice single straight guys who wants me.. And having some relationship with non-single guys is interesting and fun. It’s one of the ways to prove myself (or is it just an apology? ) better than other girls, and that I am still wanted.. And I can tease the guy and (hopefully) talked him into leaving his current girlfriend. Pathetic hope. Sad but true. Sad because, I could’ve ended up being only a part-time lover while he keeps having fun with his girlfriend(s). That’s what happened to my 2nd friend, by the way. He promised her that he’ll break up with his girlfriend and make her his. And instead of make her his, he gets himself another girl, whilst making my friend his permanent part-timers.

I really don’t know how to conclude this, but just take good care of yourselves. And do what is considered right to your heart.. Which I believe is the ultimate truth.

Besok mulai long weekend Natal. Mulai liburan yang semoga bisa benar- benar membuat relax dan santai. Di kepala rasanya kosong, tapi hati sesak sekali. Banyak hal yang membuat gusar, berpikir, tapi trus nggak mau mikir, mengalihkan perhatian ke hal- hal yang lain, denger kabar- kabar aneh yang makin bikin hati sesak, dan kepala jadi mulai ikut bingung..

Pengen umroh, pengen beli ini, beli itu.. Aduuh banyak sekali maunya.. Susah sekali terwujudnya..

Seperti memang ada sesuatu yang mau keluar.

It's been on my head these past weeks but I couldn't get it out just yet. You know, like the terrible urge to sh*t but you couldn't do it yet, not until the right time, after it has reach certain point of density.. And yesterday, on an article in Sunday paper, the words just hit me.

Poverty (Miskin)
The World Bank reports that 49% of the entire population in Indonesia lives in poverty and/or on the verge of poverty... ..We can no longer accuse fate as the cause of our difficult life, as there are options and opportunities opening wide everywhere. But it's because of the foolish egocentricism of the political power holder that often blocked these opportunities.

So it explains everything.

Starting from my needs for a faster computer. A laptop. FYI, to buy a laptop which meet my needs will sucked up almost my entire savings. And after that, I'm penniless. Poor. My 3 years of working savings, will be gone. Only for a laptop. Well, luckily I do still have other savings. But it's considered untouchable, because I keep that for a greater future needs.. ;))

While my friends who lives (work/ study) abroad goes taking a trip around Europe twice within 3 months period; or easily bought a laptop with their 1 month salary out of a part time job as a waitress.

I feel miserable.

I can't even afford to buy my essential needs. And especially computer, in this era, which shouldn't be a thing of luxury. Well, laptop is only slightly pricey.. And God knows I've a lot more other important needs than laptop.

I need to plan ahead, and I couldn't do it without a saving. If it took me a year of saving to buy a laptop, then after how many years can I have my own house? Car? And how am I suppose to raise my children? Send them to the best schools? How many years should I save for all that?

And I came to a conclusion that this country couldn't give me the opportunities and support I need. It has failed me, and it has failed the entire population...

The little shrub of me and everyone around me, has grown into a tree. A young tree, with branches that are still short but very strong, and some of them already grown twigs. With fresh little green leaves.

And the world seems to be oh-so-bright-and-fertile with breeding opportunities.

I feel like that tree. Not the tree with twigs and little green leaves. Only a tree, still struggling with my way up to reach a certain height, and then grow and strengthen my branch, and prepare everything for the grow of a twig and then later, my very own fresh little green leaves..

I just finished reading The Devil Wears Prada, which I found highly entertaining merely because how close can I have it related to my own experience. Although my version of the devil only wears his yellowing teeth and his quirky hair everywhere. :P But still thank Goodness that my boss isn't as bitchy as Miranda, or probably am, the thing he does with throwing away Starbucks just because it's not hot enough or it's mocha latte, not latte or something like that.. The good thing is that he's not doing it to me, so.., definitely not my problem and not my business.

Anyway, back to the main topic. Lately I've been working with this guy (a contractor, who runs his family business for his father while working for Exxon Mobil (damn his life couldn't be better..)) When I first met him, I instantly spot the most-expensive-type-of-nokia + gucci eye glasses + working suit + Exxon name card. Uh uh. Plus a master degree from UK. Good enough for me.

And on the next encounter at the site (yes, the construction site that's basically dusty and rotten..) It's big gold neck chain + Burberry hat + rolex watch + gucci eye glasses + shirt and sneakers and short which I haven't been able to identify from what brand.

And the next encounter, on Friday night. Seems like he just had a date, because he's looking very cool with jeans and all. But what interest me more is who does he wearing that night? It's still the same set of rolex + gucci + most-expensive nokia + gold chain and topped with guess shirt + oh darn I forget that brand of the bag he's wearing.. :((

It doesn't have a real connection what so ever with the book. But I just find it amusing meeting someone (a guy!!) who actually wear those brand I only dare to read in books and magazines.

And I wonder, was all that makes him a fashion addict? Or just simply darn successful in life? *shit!!*

I can get used of this city, and slowly everything isn't as painful as before..
It's just that, I'm longing for a change. And for a better future (well who doesn't??). And seems like everything went veeeryyyy slow..

And some people which I expected to be supportive isn't helping at all.. So I'm totally on my own.. It's a good thing I'm not under as much stress as before, or I'll just cracked and went ballistic. *sigh* Totally disappointing. I don't know where I done wrong? What did I do to deserve all the ignorance??

Many many thanks to a lot of local friend who always been very helpful (Bee and Paew and New), and always asks, "What can I do for you, Iva?" or "What do you want me to bring for lunch/breakfast tomorrow?". SUPER!! ;))

Without them, my life will be a living hell.

Things are happening all over again, and however beautiful the place I'm in right now, I'm not feeling even the slightest happiness... :((

I'm very far away from those I love, and I'm doing this shitty job for this **shole, and all this things are draining me up.. And the thoughts of not be able to coming home soon has made me suffer even more.

All I'm thinking of is to get out of this damn place, this damn shitty hole called company, and just live my life with the ones I love. And achieve my dreams..

How I'm longing for those beautiful days..

I really am very very very sorry to say this, but I think I have a serious problem, called as the above title. The constant-job-changing-syndrome.

I hits me again.

And NO, I don't do anything wrong.

Somehow I think it's the fastest way to get salary increase, (which is waaaaaaaaaaaayyy.. more than the mere 10%- 15% annual adjustment), plus it is also the easiest way to learn new things, which I really LOVE to do.

I always thought about writing a book about jobs and careers.

Yes, ME, the ill minded career psycho.

It's like taking an advice on vegan diet from the Big Bad Wolf. Gee.. Anyway, I always imagine the title will be something like, "An Imbicile's Guide to Career Advancement".

But I also want to warn you people about the danger of this syndrome. That is the hell of a time you need to fit in. It could take up to 6 months!! So you'd have to stay there (at that company) for at least 12 months to pay up for that time you need to fit in. Less than a year, well, it'll look sooooo.. bad in your CV, unless you can manage to prove an excellent career track, or a super-amazing work portfolios. Whatever that is. Whichever comes first.

I still have a lot to say. But for the complete story (so you don't need to be confused by this scattered notes), I suggest you to BUY the book. Whenever it will finally be done and comes out.

Yeah, right...

Saturday night, is the night when most people will feel guilty to sleep early. I've no problem with that.

My problem lies in what a few person in my neighborhood did while they stay awake.

In those nights, I felt mostly annoyed by the sounds of an awfully modificated raging machines (done and owned) by Valentino Rossi wannabees. It could simply be recognized by the high decibel sounds and thick fog of pollution.

Resulting in serious hearing deterioration and damaged lungs.

I really can't empathize to what's going on in those ppl's head. Somewhere in a small and remote neuro tissues of their brain, there are probably twists and knots.

Me, as a new citizen of this city, already a victim of the heavy pollution and low hygiene, are starting to loose hope when my boyfriend easily said, "Well, it's Jakarta's new trend, don't you know that..?"

I suddenly felt that my dream of having Jakarta as a clean, non-polluted city has soon fades away.

There's absolutely no hope for a city with citizens who actually thinks that damaged lungs and hearing loss is a cool thing.

This year I turn 25.
It's very crucial age.
It's a gate to the adult world, populated with rat races, corruptions, marriages and hypocrisy.

So this year, I'm officially an adult.

Soon-to-be-married, forever-contestant-of-the-rat-race, corrupted-hypocrite, adult.

Great..

So in entering this age, I need preparations, which will be :
- A totally balanced and fulfilling relationship (almost there!!)
- Investing my money in something useful (gold??)
- A well paid job, which I love
- A Master degree

This is a more realistic goals than the previous one. But hey, this is the real world we're talking about..

The idea of heaven, for me, in this world, is to be able to live independently, to live a pure life, totally unspoiled by the corrupted and polluted world.

I'll live in my own island, work for no one but still able to make a good and proper living, I'll grow my own vegetables, raise my own chicken and cow for egg and milk.

I'll make contacts with my neighbors for sure, I'll still shop for some things in the nearest traditional market or supermarket (which one comes first), I'll still be going to the big city, when it's really really necessary.

My friends will be the humble yet smart and non-fussy ladies, whatever their job is. We'll talk about our kids, family, jobs, vegetables, flowers, recipes, cows and chickens. We live with love, we don't have enemies, we left our front door open most of the days.

My kids will be raised by me (and my husband, of course..) and taught by Mother Nature. Nature is their playground, and they don't watch TV more than an hour a day.

What a beautiful place to live in, what a happy and fulfilling life it'd be..

As simple as I am

As simple as how I prefer listening to talking
As simple as how I prefer asking questions than being asked
As simple as how I prefer observing than getting involved in actions

I love learning.
Being in the position of a ‘senior’ and having ‘juniors’ asking me question always making me feel awkward.

I’ve always wanted to be the ‘junior’ and have the privilege to make mistakes and asking questions and tries something new and always feels stupid.

To always feel stupid is a privilege.

Because that way you’d always hungry and never feel content.
That way you’d always try to learn and learn and learn as much as you can but you just can’t.
Because the more you learn, the more stupid and small you’ll feel.
And I really love that feeling.

And as I fell in love (also an apology..)

But to be in love is a different thing.
Only now I feel such a great love and I think I could just die because of it. It hurts me more than anything. It makes tears came rolling down my cheek unstoppable. I kept on crying and crying at the prospect of losing this great love.. Just the thought of it hurts me more than anything..

And this love is so great that it could crush you.

I don’t know what love is just yet. I don’t know if he’s the right guy or not. All I know is that I’m happy just to see him, and I love his smell very very much.

But love doesn’t come easy and obstacles will come every now and then.

I think I’ll never going to stop thinking how sick this city is, and how sick is the people. And I hope I’ll never get used to this sick feeling. To live in a densely populated area of the city, and work in the busiest street in the city. Everyday, I’m inhaling polluted air, bathed in a desperately low quality of water and working in an office full of cockroaches. Thank God I drank only Aqua and sleep in a room that’s.. well.. Hygienic enough for me. Sometimes I really misses the good old days in Bandung, where I can just open the front door, sits at the terrace and watch fireflies dancing around the garden.. It’s so serene and peaceful.

I feel disgustingly polluted.

One afternoon, I went home from office and ride on my daily transportation, which is the 213 bus. As usual, I didn’t get any seat so I had to stand. I pick a place right behind the driver.

Definitely a perfect place to observe actually how mad and stress-proof this driver is.

And I’m not disappointed at all. The bus traveled from Sudirman to Slipi in 75 minutes. 70 minutes to get out of the traffic hell along Sudirman, and only 5 minutes from the end of Sudirman to Slipi. Unfortunately I don’t have the record on it’s travel length, so for you ppl who aren’t familiar with Sudirman or Slipi could actually imagine how utterly twisted that fact is. So, back to the story. The driver carefully (and smoothly) inched his bus at the distant of 5 centimeters away from the bus in front of him. And it’s always like that each time he gets close to another public transportation, besides taxi, of course. And when we reached the end of Sudirman, where there are quite a length of cars lining for a turn, and our great hero just smoothed his way along those cars, right up to the turning point, and easily squeezed his 3m x 8m vehicle into the super tight queue line, and voila! We’re finally free from that traffic hell!

I almost jumped with joy to see how that driver smoothly maneuvered his 3m x 8m vehicle into this very tight queue line, leaving his mark which is a massive solid dark smoke to other people.

And so, what do we learn from this? We learn, that bus drivers, however mad, crazy, irresponsible and twisted they are, they really a twisted professionals.

It's always PMS who gets all the blame for our mental turmoil. But it is, or it is not? Hell, I just don't really care.

I'm feeling terribly sad today, for no reason at all, and for all the reasons in the world.
Everything went pretty well, and everything's gone wrong. I don't know what I'm feeling all I want to do is cry.. (this is not meant for a song lyric!!)

I don't know what I want to do..

Listening to her songs makes me feel like standing alone in the middle of a misty forest and just enjoying the breeze and the voices of nature surrounds me.. Too bad I only got two of her songs, because I left all my precious mp3 collection in Surabaya.

Going to take a stroll to Glodok today (as if it's a park or something beautiful like that..) and I'll try to find her records.

Just got a birthday present from my boyfriend, and thank goodness he got it right this time.. Only right because I chose it myself. But hey, I can’t complain because in Mars, that’s simply the BEST they can do.

And speaking of boyfriends, well, after reading my previous writings, I feel a little bit guilty.. Especially when I get to the 2006 resolution part. Honestly, I just don’t know. Probably love has its own ups and downs just like faith does. And my highest point --which resulted with this guilty feeling-- is right about now, when I’m wearing his gift. Heck, probably I’m just not a slut material.. Basically I’m easily bribed and touched.

Anyways, thank you my darling…. ;))))

As it has come across my mind.. Singledom is happening. Everywhere. I know, it’s been like this for quite sometime. I’ve heard it, and talked abt it so very often, but still.. I’ve never realized that it IS happening. Not until my 25th birthday or somewhere on the way to it. There are TOO may single, beautiful, smart and successful young ladies running around the city, and yet there are no sign of existence from any single, eligible, smart and successful young men around.. What is this all about anyway???

I’ve come up with several scenarios, which is :
Girls, you’re simple TOO picky !! Remember, we don’t stay young forever, the wheel’s turning and time’s running out.
There are no sign of their existence because they simply don’t exist (around us single female at abt the age of 25-ish, especially MY crowd)
All we have around is nice, smart, successful young and MARRIED male. And MEANWHILE, the eligible single males are too busy looking about the garden and don’t have even the smallest intention to pick pne flower and keep it forever. If you can have them all in one garden, why should you keep only one?? They’ll grow old and die eventually (yeah right, and you don’t??)
They’re stupidly became afraid of our aura of power and success-ness and smart-(ass) ness. Gee.. They ARE stupid..
The eligible single males are more interested in their career, or playing around with younger, less married-able girls.

So what can we do about these scenarios?

There are two options, that is :

Go find yourself a widower
Go find yourself a young, eligible, single, mother-complex male

This is, of course, pathetic, considering how smart and beautiful and successful we are. Am I exaggerating things or what..?? But I don’t think so. There’s always time and space for pre-cautiousness. And going through the second half phase of the twenties is hard you know. Especially when you’re depressive and all of your girlfriends are married. But even when they’re all single, you’ll be equally pathetic. And that’s about one of the difficulties of living in this second phase.

And speaking of the twenties, let me tell you something you might find useful.

At the first phase (which is around 20-25), you’re at the top of the world. You think you have all the young, single, smart, eligible males under your feet, begging for a little piece of love and affection. But time flies, and if you don’t pick one right away, or try to make the best out of it, you’ll get some difficulties in getting through the second phase. And most unfortunately, the rest of the other phases. So I suggest you girls to emphasize your best effort on this first phase of the twenties.
And so, as for me, being at the beginning of my second phase and not single, I miss the old feeling of longing and waiting for my prince charming. I know this is too much for a girl at my age, but I really do miss those feelings. I want to find someone that feels oh so right from the very beginning. I want someone I adore with all my heart and soul. I want someone who adores me even more (YAY!!). I want someone that can make my heart melt and start singing. I want butterflies in my tummies. I want someone I can connect to, heart-brain-soul-genitals. I wanted to find and meet and be with my perfect man. The man I love, and may not be perfect for others but he’s everything to me. And me to him.

And all of those has brought me to the end part of this doodles. Out of mind thoughts, materials I typed too fast while I’m high on OBH Combi at 1:18 PM, feeling so very sleepy and wanted to lay my head at the pillow but my fingers just won’t let me do it because my brain still have something to say and write. And my ears just caught this really beautiful tunes that just remind me of my good old days from the first phase (of the twenties, surely).

Eventually, for the great ending of this madness and delusional writings, I’ve two resolutions for 2006. First, that is to find me self a new boyfriend (or some part time boyfriend, I don’t care) other than my present ones. Secondly, is to start writing another.

menjelang lebaran dan akhir taun.. dengan kondisi neraca keuangan yang tambal sulam.. hikss.. impian-impian yang belum terwujudkan, kewajiban-kewajiban yang belum dilakukan.. rasanya tahun ini tidak bisa dibilang bagus.. :(

it's not a bad year, at least i've a job, but i'm not doing things that i'm supposed to be doing this year.. :((

like, getting new boyfriend and start an international career.. jeezz....

anyway, for next year i've promised myself. i HAVE to start writing and finished it!! next year, i'll be like andrea or ncha.


h o p e f u l l y . . .

The base for LDR to work is trust and understanding.

It is very important for both parties not too demand anything too much.
LDR works best when each parties are independent people.
So they both still have their own lives and circle of friends while maintaining a loving relationship.
It seems hard at first, apalagi klo masing2 punya tingkat ketergantungan yang tinggi terhadap satu sama lain. Mereka harus merubah kebiasaans2 waktu mereka masih bareng2 dulu, mencoba beradaptasi.

Or they won’t survive. It’s just Nature’s Law.

Now me and him has gone through LDR for a year. It’s a little wobbly at start but we can make it now. We’ve grown quite a lot of trust and understanding for each other.
And that God we’re doing pretty well.

Yeah I think LDR works pretty well on us. Partly because we’re not yet close and dependant to each other at start.

Another important thing is to have the best qualities out of your short time together. Physical and emotional closeness must be encouraged.

When I say physical, it doesn’t have to be sexual. Just use your imagination.. ;P
And don’t be shy to show your love and
affection for each other. Let him/her know how much you really care..

Pernah ngga ngerasain kekosongan jiwa?
Pernah ngga berada di titik dimana kamu sudah punya segala sesuatu untuk disyukuri tapi tetep aja nggak bahagia..?
Seperti ada bagian dari jiwa kita yang hilang..

Well I have.

Terasa sejak pertama kali pindah ke Jakarta.
I thought it’ll pass, but it gets worse instead. Jeez..
There’s something missing in Jakarta.
The infamous city for its merciless nature; the weird habits and the wannabees ..
Really it’s not a friendly place to live..
And if you really can find your little piece of heaven here then, well, consider yourself lucky.

"Love and marriage..
They come together like horse and carriage... "

.......... My favourite tunes :D

Anyway.. It seems like every girl's dream to be married... Or at least that how I see it..
Now every successful love songs always have the word marriage in it. In every form. As verbs, adjectives, attributes, subjects, objects, jeez... they're EVERYWHERE !!!

And is it a sheer coincidence, that these months are also marriage months. Marriage season, should I say..

And so I shall predicted, that next year, at the very same months, will be babies months. And hell, probably there'll be songs about babies then...

As many as it has come across my mind, which one's better :

1. To be filthy rich by just marrying a rich, handsome and loving guy; or
2. Stop day dreaming, live my life, do my best and go with the flow.

Of course, as always, a girl would always want to be saved.
But the world's sucks, and I (am forced to opt) for #2. And within that #2, came other options. That is, to live your life with :

1. Active income
2. Passive income

To me both are equal. That's the beauty of life, you have your choices. You could just opt for anything you like, depends on what are your considerations.
And as for me, my ultimate consideration is HAPPINESS.

MY happiness, is when... :

1. I am free to do what I like (which happen to be the things I can do best), and be appreciated for it. I am grateful to have it all now. And get paid for it also. Other than that, is the immeasurable satisfaction of being a creator.. *LOL*
2. Have someone to love.
3. Have the time to relax and smell the roses.
4. The inevitable capitalist world’s highest demand: M-O-N-E-Y

And with that came the heart of this story, which has brought me to write all of these nonsense.

An old friend came up to me and offer me this new business, so-called “The Business of the Future”. Hell, there’s a good probability that they’re right, but frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.

But there’s one thing about me that they couldn’t seem to understand, that money, is the last thing on my list of the things that can make me happy.

And they, being a Marketer, offering only MONEY as their main goal, would never interest me. Well, at least they’re not talking abt things I can understand, nor things that I really interested at (see the above list).

So I should say that ppl would always have different priorities, passion and interest. And I was just disappointed in meeting a very incapable Marketer who doesn’t really see, understand and respects these basic differences.

Can’t they just accept that they have failed?

But I know I’m not an easy case so they should just practice more..

i miss my baby.. :(( i'll be home soon but i miss my baby.. :((

miss you..
miss you.. miss you..
miss you.. miss you..

miss you..

my baby..


:(((((

trained to be cocky
trained to be proud of something so insignificant

trained to think that they're the smartest, most qualified human being alive
trained to think that you must appreciate your inferiors..
trained to think that they know EVERYTHING..
trained to think that soon they'll be at the top of the top

feed them a little dream..
then tied them all up with the string of obligation

there you have it..
a bunch of cocky little blue cellar worker who thinks that they're at the top of the top..

.... poor little thing

What do we seek in a man..?
How do we know that he will be our soulmate?
Does everyone would meet their soulmates?
Would everything end up happily ever after?

Sometimes we feel that everything's isn't enough..
But sometimes we feel that everything is fine, and everything would be ok..
And we get confused between the two

What is love anyway..?

Do we really have to cover ourselves up at times..?
Even when we're doing it while we're not in difficult situation but merely to impress?

What is the urge to impress?

I've no one to impress nor anything to show.. And that's fine with me..
I live my life only (and hopefully will be, forever..) by truth.
I wanted to live my life truthfully. To proudly show ppl who I really am..

..the monster inside me..
..the child inside me..
.. the artist in me..
And hide nothing less.
No backstabbing, no treachery, no laughing at others unfortunates, no pretending to be someone I'm not, nothing.

And just be.

But that is difficult.
Even to survive properly, as a decent human being in this world is difficult.
You can't make everybody happy, and you can't stop people from hating you, or simply dislikes you.
It's because they just don't know you..

What's the calling in your life?
What's the center of your universe?
What do you breathe (instead of air)..?
What are the things that you can't live without?
What are the passion in your life?
What are the things that made you happy?
What are the things that made you feel success and contended?
What's the biggest part of your life?
What makes you feel like you are really you?


I think I've found one of mine. Amongst many other things. :))

And I am me, again.. :)

I came upon to think that, we could definitely judge a (female) designer's work by their fashion.

I've been watching my friends, and other female designers I've worked with. And it's all the same. There's a pattern that actually connects their way of dressing themselves, and their design. As we all know that female expresses their personalities through lots of things, and fashion is one of the popular way to do so.

It's quite fascinating.

And it's not like that at all with male designers. They could look really scruffy, wore entirely tasteless clothes but still their designs are amazing..
I'm still trying to figure out how could we distinct the good and the bad out of male designers.

So next time when you met (or better, worked with a female designer) just try to observe the pattern.

It's fun! :D

there's sooooooooooooooooooooooo... many types of ppl in this world. And it still amazes me to meet one freak after another.. jeezz... oh how colorful the world is..

why would one owns a car in city like this?

public transportation is a blessing (in some way..). And if one needs to have a little comfort, there's always cab..

Imagine the outrageous parking fee, imagine the toll fee, imagine the traffic jam.. Imagine the gas!! Having a car is a torment.



..well for a singleton like me, living all by myself, not yet owned a house; of course..
And the day I own car, is when I can afford it with a chauffeur.. :D And must be with the house, or else where will I park the damn thing..?? And children. :D and before that, must have the hubby, for sure! :D

ahhh... wonder when that day will be..

and I'm just doing this ALL day..

look out of the window..

huhuhuhuhu.. burst

It's like yesterday..
I didn't even know your name..
Now today,
You're always on my mind..

I never could have predicted that I feel this way
You are beautiful surprise..

Intoxicated.. every time I hear your voice
You've got me on a natural high..
It's almost like, I didn't even have a choice..

You are a beautiful surprise

Whatever it is you came to teach me..
I am here to learn it cause,
I believe that we are written in the stars..

I don't know what the future holds
But I'm living in the moment..
And I'm thankful for the man that you are..

You are everything I ask for in my prayers..
So I know my angels brought you to my life
Your energy is healing to my soul..

You are a beautiful surprise

You are an inspiration to my life
You are the reason why I smile.. :)

You are a beautiful surprise

Yes he is.. :)

India Arie's BEAUTIFUL SURPRISE :)

If he were a color..
He'd be a deep dark forest green

If he were a car..
He'd be a long stretch limousine
With room for all of humanity inside
Cause he is so giving
And he is so wise..

If he were a number..
He'd be a five cause he has such a brilliant mind

If he were an animal
He's be an ass cause he's so stubborn sometimes

But if he were a song
He'd be a complicated melody
That complicated fellow he
I almost can not sing it on key

But he means the world to me..

If he were a building
He'd be a beautiful cathedral
Cause he's so traditionally spiritual

If he were a dance
He'd be complicated like the tango
Exotic like a mango

But if he was a song
He'd be a complicated melody
That complicated fellow he
I almost can not sing it on key

But he means the world me..

He ain't the reason for the sun and the moon
He is the reason for this here tune

Cause he means the world to me..

he means the world to me.. :)

quoted fr. India Arie's COMPLICATED MELODY

hell jakarta is a disgusting city..

I'd be tempted to death, and if my manners and sense hadn't beat my twisted mind, I'd still be on the street by now, counting how many spit-marks are there on my way to office.. Disgusting, I know..

There are ZILLIONS of them! (I exaggerate, surely..)

What I really really wanted to do right now is to :

.... sit by the office window and just enjoy the view... It's a great view!!
I could lost track in time, day dreaming and watching the sky, buildings, all the busy life below.. and my quiet life..

I'd be at peace, and I'd be high on nothing.. :D
..... now I know why rich ppl loves apartment.

ini kantor apa kuburan yaa... baru jam segini and everybody's GONE!! Jeezz....

Browse photos of NY, and actually meditates on them, suck those pictures into my head and out of my hands (hopefully, but not just yet..) had LOADS of new ideas, but too lazy to actually have it drawn.. But at least I have ideas.. :D Baca milis, baca e-book.. wahh... bener2 berasa makan gaji buta.. ;D but c'est la vie..

Anyway, one cannot be creative without having to emptied one's head from every clutters.. so that's why I'm emptying mine right now.. :DD

mungkin apa sudah ada riset yang menyatakan seberapa tinggi tingkat kematian warga jakarta karena polusi? Yaaa not necessarily penyebab kematian: POLUSI, sih nggak.. cumaa.. mungkiiiiinnnnnnnnnnn... radang paru2?? tubercolosis?? kanker?? Karena asapnya tuh nggak main2!! weeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. amit2 dehh..

My apologies, to Dante Alighieri; my highest tribute to this great artist, but this alteration of his poems on my blog has meant nothing but to give it a higher meaning. For me, and for others who reads it.

And for whoever who reads this blog, please don’t refer this blog as some official references to Dante’s work because it is NOT.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Through you I enter the city of woes,
Through you I enter the eternal pain,
Through you I enter the population of loss.


...
Thou art not dead, but in delusion strayest,
Poor soul, who so lamentest thy estate,
Exclaims a little gentle spirit of love;
For this fair gentleman, who disquiets thee,
Has so transform’d thy life, that thou hast fear
Of him, so spiritless thou art become.


... I feel the mighty power of Love so great
That I cannot endure
Its suffering long; whence I am sorely grieved;
For he is ever growing in his strength,
And I feel mine decay;
So that each hour I am weaker than before.
I ask not Love to grant more than I wish,
For should he grant all the will requires,
The virtue which from nature I derive
Could bear it not, for it is limited
And this it is of which my heart complains,
That power corresponds not to desire.
But if from good desire reward should spring,
I claim it, in a grant of longer life,
From those fair eyes, whose splendour, sweetly mild,
Brings comfort when I feel Love’s influence.

... O true must be the love which captivates,
And strong must be the chain,
Since I would do for it what I aver
For love exists not of an equal weight
To that which pleasures finds
In death, from serving another well.


... No power but that of Love could render me
Deserving to be made
Subject of him ....