A place where I can live, breathe, talk and see

I woke up this morning with a gripping fear that I can easily die today if God wanted me to. Well I know that we can die anytime, but when I woke up this morning, the thought just came to me. And it scares me so much I couldn`t go back to sleep. :( I still feel so sleepy, but couldn`t go back to sleep.

I feel so anxious. And scared. That simply ANYTHING can happen to me today. While I`m here, alone. My husband is far away, and my family is even further. :(

I don`t want to die just yet. :( I want to have kids first, and to be able to watch them grow up to be great person. I want to build a decent family life first. With my husband right by my side. And I want to set my life right first. To be a good, kind and generous person. And hopefully to be able to help as many people as
I possibly can.

No, the title isn't some figure of speech. The title clearly telling you that I am dreaming about Soeharto, last night. It's a weird dream, and I woke up instantly, because of the heat and the mosquito bites, of course.

After all it's not a bad dream, definitely not a nightmare, just a weird dream. Why would on earth I dreamt of Soeharto? I could've just dreamt of my late Grandmother, it's far better, and I miss her too.

In my dream, I was his grand daughter. He's sitting on a bench wearing black shirt, and I asked him how is he doing? He looked healthy and younger than he is now, and he told me he's fine. That's all I can remember. But maybe that's all. No more, no less.

Anyway, I looked up at dreamdoctor, and I checked on the dictionary under C, for Celebrity. Yep, Soeharto is a celebrity of his kind, whatever that is. And it said that it's a sign, that I'm going to be elevated into a celebrity level. Or a higher level than I am now. Woww.. I never even thought of it.. It sounds like a good idea though. Let's just hope so, and also hope for the best, that this is going to be a good sign for my new Singapore adventure.. :-D

I wanted to live a good life, with many true friends and people who actually cares, loves, and doesn't hate. I don't want to be corrupted by hatred nor other maggoty things of soul, I always wanted to see things fairly and clearly without prejudice towards anything. But there's always an exception, and there's this one object who seems to be such a pain is my a**. I felt her like a needle under the skin, I feel her negativity and hatred for me so big and I've to respond with almost similar resistance. But as you grew to know me, you should've known that I never does it frontally. I feel her negativity and it makes me very uncomfortable. It makes me sad and it got me thinking.. I've never meant any harm, verbally or implicitly, but I don't know, probably I've said done something that hurts her. Only God knows what. I'll never done anything to hurt others in my simple conscious, because I truly believes in karma. So what I've done to deserves such a hatred? It really got me thinking... *feeling so sad in early morning*

Besok mulai long weekend Natal. Mulai liburan yang semoga bisa benar- benar membuat relax dan santai. Di kepala rasanya kosong, tapi hati sesak sekali. Banyak hal yang membuat gusar, berpikir, tapi trus nggak mau mikir, mengalihkan perhatian ke hal- hal yang lain, denger kabar- kabar aneh yang makin bikin hati sesak, dan kepala jadi mulai ikut bingung..

Pengen umroh, pengen beli ini, beli itu.. Aduuh banyak sekali maunya.. Susah sekali terwujudnya..

Seperti memang ada sesuatu yang mau keluar.