A place where I can live, breathe, talk and see

I sent out my thoughts and prayers to Allah.

And so does billions of other people; and even trillions of those sent by djinns, animals, plants, microbes.. Every living, breathing being in this universe pray to Allah. So Allah must be very busy. But yet He keeps on listening. And watching. And warmed your heart just by remembering His names. Because He loves you, and He will never ever desert you.

Countless of prayers and hopes sent out everyday, and yet not even one is overlooked or neglected. If you feel like you're being ignored, it means He has other plans for you. Wether to test your faith, or to be patient, or to teach you to embrace His will, because His plan for you will be much more beautiful than your own. He sees, He listen, and He knows what's on your mind and what's troubling you, for He is closer to you than you own vein.

So have faith, and never give up. But when the time comes for you to actually given up, be grateful. Because Allah has given you a chance to make a new start, and carved a new beautiful path in your life.

I wrote this as a note to myself. Men can't change. Whatever they say, whatever the excuses are, they just won't change -- and you just have to take it or leave it.

Men are like, .. Stones. You can't change the shape of a stone, especially with hard forces. You'll only break it, and it will left you with nothing. Sadness & loneliness, maybe. And hurting yourself along the way.

The way to change a stone, is with patience. Like water drips, everyday, for the longest time, but then you'll be able to see holes on that stone. Or you can shape the stone by chipping it, one soft thud at a time. And with patience, you will reach your goal. But never do it with full force.

Tonight I forget this golden rule. I know, and he knows-- that it's the best thing to do. But that stubborn mule brain of his got the better of him. As a result, disappointment ate me alive. And causing me an actual chest pain. :-( It reminds me how badly can emotional pain hurts your physical state of being. I forget that quite a lot.

Another problem is, can I accept him for what he is? Warts and all?

Just watched Amelia today, a story on Amelia Earhart. A bit of a sad ending movie, but that's not the point.

In this movie I saw how a real good partnership between a husband and wife works. The partnership between Amelia Earhart, and her husband and publisher George Putnam.

You see, Amelia was the "star", and George, as he humbly said, is a small grain of speckle in her constellation (or something like that.. :D). But in the movie it is definitely not like that. George was Amelia's rock, and her best supporter. He nurtured her, he contained all of her energy and directs it to better place. I think none of her achievement will be established without his support. And Amelia in this movie, was a very strong woman. One with a tunnel vision and a very strong will. And it took one hell of a person to be able to accommodate such a strong will and vision, and be able to contain it and direct it to a better place. And not once being shied away with his wife's successes. Because he's the one who helped her to make things happens.

He stands seemingly unseen in the shadow of her glory, but it's him who became the silent force that makes everything possible.

And THAT my friends, is a good partnership.

In a relationship between a husband and wife, there's no competition, not even about who make the most money or did most of the hard work. Because in a good partnership, it's all about supporting each other and nurturing each others passion so that together, they'll each grow to be a better person. Regardless who made the most money or who have done most of the hard work, because in the end, none of it will happen without the support of each other.

Well, I'm not really know if all those good partnership thing was only for the movie or it actually is like that. but anyways, it's a good inspiration nevertheless.

:)

Happy Saturday!

A beautiful short movie that I'd definitely have to share with everyone. :) Remember to love your parents people! :)



via http://goodlorax.blogspot.com/

Today, once again, I was being reminded that human is thoroughly helpless. We can only pray, and hope, and keep a good strong faith on whatever it is that you want.

And let God do the rest.

A few days ago I was so worried, about him, about his father, and how it will affect him, me, us, and it makes me even more sad and worried when I saw him so sad, restless and seems to be holding such a huge burden, but there`s nothing I can do to relieve his agony. I feel so helpless and I keep on wondering when does all this will end and how it will affect our future plans, for it will.

But then, when I already lose faith and prepare for the worst, suddenly everything is getting better.

Rapidly!!

I just can`t believe it, and all I can do is whispering my thanks and gratitude to God.

Really, all you need is a strong faith and a great deal of positivity and everything is going to be alright. :D

But even that simple task is pretty heavy for my insolent soul. Because we humans never know what`s good for us even if it was slapped into our faces. It shames me in seeing how impatient and narrow minded I can be some (most of the) time. :-S

But now that things are looking good, I`ll just keep on praying that it will stay like this for quite a long time.

Thank you God. :)

I know this is just the beginning for me & him. The beginning of our life together. Whatever the future has in store for us, we will hold hands, be strong for each other, grow, and we will fight together.





As one.





Facing whatever life's challenges ahead of us.

I have a dream. For me. For him. For us.

My dream is so big sometimes it scares me. What if I can't fulfill that dream> What if I failed? What if I ended up having to run ther course of this rat race, until the day I die?

I have a dream. And I will try my hardest to make it come true. And if I failed, I won't regret it, because I already tried my best.

This list is compiled based on my limited personal experience, and my 4 hours of reading Mars and Venue Together Forever (John Gray, Ph.D)(up to page 116 :D). I will read some more, and if there's any other interesting points I will subsequently update the post.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

1. If he emotionally withdraws from you, let him. Just make sure when he's back to normal again, you're there to greet him w/ a beautiful smile & an open arms.

2. Always appreciate whatever he has done for you - even the smallest favor - and make sure he knows. So he'd also know that he makes you happy. This exercise is very easy. Just pretend that you're with a dolphin and you must give him "reward" (in this case is appreciation) each time he does a trick for you. :)

3. When you feel overwhelmed and tired and need to complain and and nags your mind out, do warn him first. Say things like, "I had an awful day, would you take a few minutes to just listen? You don't have to say anything and I will feel better!". By saying things like this, you give your man a chance to just relax and listen to your problems and thoughts without actually needed to give us any solutions. Because we want him to understand, and not to give us unnecessary solutions. If you didn't warn him before, he'd be unprepared, and all he'll give you is his natural reactions of giving solutions. Which we don't need. Or worse, he'll feel that he's the source of your problems and unhappiness and will get defensive in the end. And the supposedly "nurturing communication" sessions will go haywire. :P

4. Understand that when a man flicks through tv channels, it's his way to relax his mind. So let him.
Also any kind of physical activity is a good exercise for him to channel his stress. And when he's back, he'll be a much better man than before. So just let him.

5. Never obsessively ask him about his seconds by seconds activity, and constantly check/text/call him on what he's doing. There's a limit on this, on of course there are also the special circumstances, so just watch it.

"It seems to me now that the plain state of being human is dramatic enough for everyone; you don't need to be a heroin addict or a performance poet to experience extremity. You just have to love someone. " -Katie Carr, "How To Be Good" by Nick Horby

Some part of my body, somewhere near my heart (which not actually my heart, because I know it's in a perfectly healthy condition), is aching.
A simple sorry would mean the world to me..

But no, such word is like a myth. Maybe the man has never heard of it. Or even know what it means. Or what it means to me. If he ever cared about me.

And it hurts. And it hurts me more when I saw him right there and act all innocent. It hurts so bad but there's nothing I can do.

:'(

Can anyone refresh my memory on why would I go to such length as falling in love? On taking the risk of loving, at the same time you also have assigned yourself to the exclusive experience of pain. And not just the usual kind of pain. If feels like something (or somebody) is ripping off some part of your internal organs in the upper abdomen area. Damn it hurts ..

:'(

The only thing that feels right is design. And you feel that you're truly at your elements when you design things. But then, there will be people telling you that you're not good enough.

But how can it be?

While the love and passion for design is still burning like hell's fire, how can the design be not good?

Well there are many many reason. Maybe you're just unlucky. Maybe you're still lacking of experience, but the talent is there. So you'd just have to practice more. Read more. See more.

But the most important thing is, try again. You can't stop everytime there's people telling you you can't, because then, you'll gone nowhere.

You go and do whatever your heart leads you. Ignore negativities, for it will poison and rot you slowly.

Fight for your love. Fight for what you love. Fight for you beliefs. :)

In a book I read, the heroine said (more less), that we can never go wrong with a good book. We can be lost or lonely in foreign places, but with a good book to accompany us we'll always feel.. secure. I couldn't agree more with that. That's so true. And I also think that's why I always feel so happy and secure once I bought books I like.

Now it's getting worse, since I've known this very cool 2nd hand bookshop place which is full of all the titles I like at a very good price. Now it's like an addiction. I have my own rules that I won't buy another book if I haven't finish the one I'm reading right now, unless it's a very very good bargain, or something that has something to do with work or other life's emergencies.

But now, I bought new books once a week, especially when it's the weekend and I've no idea what to do. Once every 2 weeks if I've something else to keep me occupied. But books has always been my last resort. My best friend. Well, a best friend I can get comfort from(by reading it, of course) whenever I wanted and I don't have to give/ do something in return. Maybe books are the best invention for a selfish brat like me. Other than dildos, of course. But then again, I never had nor experience one (yet!), so books has always been on top of my list.

This last few weeks I had the craziest infatuation.

I'm about to be married in a year (or less), but here I am, lusting and blushing and get all flipped out over this person I never even talked to! Well, that's if the interview session isn't counted.. It's shameful, I know that. I cannot even talked about it to my friends, so I just let it out here.

The most embarrassing moment is today, at lunch. When we're having lunch with all the Indonesians, then I caught a glimpse of him. And then I pretend not to look at him, while my heart is doing a trapeze dance. And then my friends says hi to him, so I had to look at him and smile. And he smiles back.



...

...



And there.


My face's burning.


My heart stopped beating for a second.


And I couldn't breathe..


:DD *LOL* *sigh*




Jeez, it's been too long since the last time I had this crazy infatuations. The last I can remember is with Boni :D My first is with my brother's friend, the 2nd is also, the 3rd is with this guy at high school, and Boni, and now, 4 years later, HIM.

Oh I'm so ashamed!!!! :(((( My reactions are stupid and crazy, and yet I couldn't helped it! Maybe it's because I've been away from my boyfriend for far too long..?

It's fun, just not to get bored at the office, but I think I get over reacted, and my reaction is very embarrassing.. :(( I feel like a stupid lovesick puppy..

I need to get over this crazy infatuation, although I kind of liked the feeling :D Ah, the desperate girl.. So I searched on Google for his name, but the result is too many.. :P and I just don't have the heart to go browse one by one.

Anyway, I'll be back to update on this. Especially on his availability. :P

I just saw the Golden Compass yesterday, and it's interesting that daemons and their humans can't be separated. Daemons are part of the human soul, and if they are to be separated, it'll drive each other crazy and they'd have to endured an excruciating pain to the level of death.

That's exactly how I feel when I don't see or at least talked to him. If we were living in the Golden Compass parallel world, I think I'm becoming his daemon, or he's becoming mine. This fact I learned yesterday, when I got mad at him over a thing, and I decided to ignore him. But the more I try to ignore & hate him, the more my heart aches. I'm trying to hurt him, but the fact that it hurts me also..

And then once again I pray to God, for God to show me the way, and to separate our hearts if we weren't meant to be, and to holds our hearts together if we're meant to be.. And apparently, later that night, the anger has gone and we're lovers again.. ;-)

Now I can proudly announce that I've heard the wedding bells.. ;-) the sound's still considered far, but closer than anything I've ever heard from this past 3 years :-D

I feel closer to him than ever, and knowing that he'd be a good and responsible husband has made me feel safe. I think I love him. It must be love. If not, what is? :-P I still have my dreams, and his support for my dreams has made me love him even more. I really really think I love him. Or I think I really really love him.. :-D

The only problem left is money. He feel he doesn't have enough money to show my parents so that he can take my hand in marriage and give me the 'proper' life, as they'd expect. I wanted to help. Oh God I honestly do. But what can I do? We can use up all of our money on house, car and a romantic honeymoon. That's all I want. But tradition told us to waste all of our savings on a silly celebration.. :-( What will happen if I told my parents that all I wanted is a simple akad nikah, a romantic honeymoon; a house and a car? :-D

Veeeery tempting...

Women are masochists by nature. Somehow they seek pain, they're in pain most of the times, and they also have great endurance against it. Physically AND mentally. I'm a women, so I know these things. But I don't speak in the name of all women because there's always an exception. The masochism level is tend to decrease each generation passes. Humankind evolutes, and women doubles the speed. But it's there, and it will always be, as it's always been part of the female's genetic code.

I don't have a specific criteria for men, but 2 things I know that they should have, that is a positive attitude, strong personality and ambition. And what's disappointing me is that, he has no ambition.. How can people live, or strive for a better future if they don't have ambition? One must have goal, and to live their lives based on this one goal. Dreams, ambition, or whatever you called it, is the fuel of life. It makes the world go round. And.. I don't know.. I know he's not perfect, and I am too, and I've learn to understands his dark sides, and to love our differences. But no ambition..? And I'm so full of dreams, I wanted to be able to do a lot of things.. I wanted to be the best in everything I do.. And I wanted someone I can share those dreams with.. How can I share my life with someone who doesn't even share the same goal in life? :-(

I used to dream about being of housewife of a succesfull husband.. But now, on a second thought, I will NEVER be a housewife no matter what. Men these days are unbelievable. In the most negative way possible. They're like, don't have any respect for their wives anymore, especially when they already have a lot of money and feel like he can buy the world.. And by not working, we're stripped out of our political and economical power. And what happened if we need money to help our parents/family? Or to splurge on something just to know that we can afford those? Or just to share it with others in need? We might not be THAT lucky to found a spouse that's really understanding.. I'm talking reality here. We always wanted to found our soulmate, someone who's perfect for us in everyway.. We wanted everything to be perfectly romantic like in the movies.. But there are girls who'd have to face the hard fact that love just don't don't come easy. And a sweet, romantic, kind, rich, faithful, handsome, smart guys don't just go wandering around everywhere like alley cats. We need to work hard for that love. And if everything don't go right, we might need a divorce. And a lady divorcee, with no job, no money and a lot of kids equals disaster.. Or we might ended up gone ballistic and just keep swallowing our anger, up to the point that it'd kill us. Or before we kill our spouse.. ;-) Kidding..! Anyway, I hope I'll never be a pure housewife, or if I really have, God please give me an almost perfect (because nobody's perfect..) husband.. ;-)

We've been together for 2.5 years now.. We already have a joint account for our mutual future needs (i.e marriage) although we haven't really plan to be married in the near future.
And however close we are as a couple, when it comes to money, I just realise that we're not as trusting and cooperative to each other as I thought we were.. It shocked me a bit. And I just remember an old saying that even our husbands/wives are never will be an actual part of our family. Because blood is thicker than anything else, and family is more important than a spouse. It would be great if our spouse can actually understands us, and our family. But if they can't, then it's a great shame.. Therefore an Indonesian marriage is more complicated than others, simply because when we are married to someone it means that we're marrying the whole family. And as I grew older and (hopefully) come closer to that stage of life (marriage), I realized how true every old saying is..

A spouse is just a spouse, a mere way to have an offspring. But in God's eye even our family means nothing, except for an obedient child who'll pray to Allah for forgiveness of our sins.. That's why I always wanted a child, children.. As my love-bite mark to the world, and to pray for my forgiveness when I die.

There's also one old saying that I don't like, but it's always on my mind because it might be true.. That we could never love our parents as much as they love us.. And the same thing for us and our children. It's a shame because I really love my parents and hopefully I can repay their love and kindness someday.. Which I knew I'll never can...

I looked up to my Mother. I think she’s a very graceful lady, strong, powerful, a natural leader, yet very social and likable. I always wanted to be like her. She’s (originally) not very pretty. But she’s attractive, and only with a light (but right) make up, it can lighten up her face and make her looked very pretty.

I liked watching her doing make up. I like to see her face changes, and when she already fully dressed, seeing how graceful she is, and I always thought, will I ever be like her?

I then looked at the mirror, and thinks, how ugly I am. I’ll never be as graceful, as social, and as likable as she. I’ll never get to be a natural leader like her because I’m too shy. I was more like my Father, physically and personally, but not as smart.

My Mother has all the EQ, and my Father has his high IQ. They’re a perfect match, though naturally very different in so many ways. But I inherited none of the good things.
I’m a mixed of the entire negative thing my parents has. Well, I’m not always THIS negative, but that thought came to my mind pretty often.

As a child I was in the verge of abnormally-quiet. I’m so shy and quiet, I didn’t even say a word when I realized that there’s a cockroach, just died because I stepped on it (obviously!), inside my shoe. And I carry that cockroach in my shoe all day in school, hoping that nobody would realize the strange smell coming out of my shoe..

But as I grew up I have more friends, and I became less neither shy nor quiet. And soon after I graduated, I’ve my first serious relationship (not just a fling or a desperate attempt to have one although we both know it’s not possible..), and I feel my confidence escalated. Not too high, but enough to learn about all the social skill required. And then I get to know make up. I mean not just knowing, but really KNOW. Well, not 100% knowing, but enough. I learn that I too can look pretty. And I too can be as graceful as my Mother. I think that’s my turning point. In fact, I think I inherited my Mother’s gracefulness. And how my face can also be lighten up by using the right make-up, and my strength and power. I’m not as social and likable as her, but I’m still happy with who I am, and I have my good friends to support me. And I know I’m not a natural leader like her, but as my career grew higher I think I can learn about being a leader along the way. And right at this point, I can look back and see how I grew up, and I really appreciate the process. And the most important thing is that I can make my parents proud of me.

Pardon me if there’s an improper grammatical use in the above title, but that described exactly what I felt.

I’ve been anxiously waiting for his call for 1.5 hours, since 20.30. His body clock used to be very punctual, and he always slept at 22.00, so I think it’s pretty reasonable for me to worry where the hell is he at that hour, when he must’ve been very sleepy..

Each time passes I get worried even more. Why hadn’t he called? Is there something happened to him? What if he lied and instead of having a dinner feast with his office buddies he could’ve been having dinner with a girl or something? And my horribly creative minds are starting to generate plots and stories.. And I’m getting more and more worried…

I hate waiting. That’s for sure. But what I hate more is to wait without any certainty.

I was suffocated by my own thoughts and fears. And it’s so terribly poisoning that I could barely think clear. Or probably I was just sick of keep on using my reasons and wanted to dwell in what my heart has to say..

I don’t know probably I was just over-reacting or being childish. But you know what I really really wanted to hear?

I wanted to hear him say sorry for keeping me waiting, I want him to apologize for making me worried, and for all the tears I’ve shed..

Furthermore, I want him to pat my head, hold my hands, kiss my forehead and whispers that he’s sorry and he’ll never do that again..

But I think it’s just will never happen..

After a chat with a dear friend, discussing nothing and everything, we finally talked about my surroundings. Friends. Girl friends. And it just strikes me that 3 of my closest circles are having an affair with non-single guys. With the recent issues of polygamy, cheating husbands, and I just sit, watching the news and keep asking myself, what’s happening to the world?
As a girl with boyfriend, I’d definitely will tear off any girl who tries to play around with my guy, let alone having an affair with him. And vice versa, if I happened to be single. If we don’t like to be hit, don’t hit others. It’s a simple karma rule.

But why does it keep on happening?

Honestly, I don’t have an answer for this one. I guess it’s just a matter of statistics, which I always heard that the female populations are outnumbering the males. But does it justify treachery? And what will happen to the world if we cannot trust our lovers any longer? If we can no longer trust our own souls? And what is the solution to that?

Then I come to my 3 closest circles to seek for an answer. And one said that it’s because she’s lonely. She’s never the cheating type, but loneliness beats good sense. Rather pathetic, but it’s a fact.

The 2nd friend said that it’s simply lust. And she never found someone as “good” as this guy she’s been involved with.

While my 3rd friend said, well, she’s having a hard time looking for a permanent lover, while the hormones are pushing out all the times, and she HAS to find someone, even if it makes her to be a part-time lover.

And me, when I was single and desperately looking, it really is hard to find an eligible nice single straight guys who wants me.. And having some relationship with non-single guys is interesting and fun. It’s one of the ways to prove myself (or is it just an apology? ) better than other girls, and that I am still wanted.. And I can tease the guy and (hopefully) talked him into leaving his current girlfriend. Pathetic hope. Sad but true. Sad because, I could’ve ended up being only a part-time lover while he keeps having fun with his girlfriend(s). That’s what happened to my 2nd friend, by the way. He promised her that he’ll break up with his girlfriend and make her his. And instead of make her his, he gets himself another girl, whilst making my friend his permanent part-timers.

I really don’t know how to conclude this, but just take good care of yourselves. And do what is considered right to your heart.. Which I believe is the ultimate truth.