A place where I can live, breathe, talk and see

I woke up this morning with a gripping fear that I can easily die today if God wanted me to. Well I know that we can die anytime, but when I woke up this morning, the thought just came to me. And it scares me so much I couldn`t go back to sleep. :( I still feel so sleepy, but couldn`t go back to sleep.

I feel so anxious. And scared. That simply ANYTHING can happen to me today. While I`m here, alone. My husband is far away, and my family is even further. :(

I don`t want to die just yet. :( I want to have kids first, and to be able to watch them grow up to be great person. I want to build a decent family life first. With my husband right by my side. And I want to set my life right first. To be a good, kind and generous person. And hopefully to be able to help as many people as
I possibly can.

Here I am, sitting at the bus stop and just watch the falling leaves. I didn't know that the movement can be so relaxing to look at. And having the chance to just dissolve myself in that simple movement, without thinking about anything at all, feels like a real luxury.

Or maybe I already too tense, at the edge of breaking out? I don't know.

Say, 50 years ago, people who thinks that watching fallen leaves to be a luxury, may be deemed as lunatics. But then, 50 years ago they know nothing of internet, or mobile phones, or budget airlines, or laptops, or facebook, or wikipedia; and the earth is still a large scary unknown universe.

But now, the world has shrunk, into whatever size depends on how big is your monitor screen. Mostly would be 17 inch then.

And the faraway countries, is no longer a twilight zone, but merely a universal playground where everybody can just hop in anytime they want.

Sometimes it amazes and scares me to see how fast the world has changed, even during my short 28 years of life. Everything is moving so fast, whirling, twisting, twirling, sucking, grinding, dragging everything and everyone into God knows what. But from the pace I see now, it doesn't seems like a good thing.

So it's nice to be able to just stop for a while, just to watch leaves falling, or lay at the beach and stare blankly at the horizon, or just sit by your window and looking the blue skies ..

And nothing would be better than Macy Gray to put everything in one lovely tune called Slowly.

Would it be so bad, if we just stopped for a while ..
And enjoyed the thrills we could all be still let the world just pass us by
But it's all hurry hurry run run there's no time for this
We want more and more got to win got to score so afraid of what we'll miss
And it moves so fast; nothing lasts
This too here will come to pass
Wanna spend my days away from all the fuss
Wanna spend them with you baby but you're in a rush

Slowly
Why can't we just take our time
Slowly
I wish that we could take our time ..

I know this is just the beginning for me & him. The beginning of our life together. Whatever the future has in store for us, we will hold hands, be strong for each other, grow, and we will fight together.





As one.





Facing whatever life's challenges ahead of us.

I have a dream. For me. For him. For us.

My dream is so big sometimes it scares me. What if I can't fulfill that dream> What if I failed? What if I ended up having to run ther course of this rat race, until the day I die?

I have a dream. And I will try my hardest to make it come true. And if I failed, I won't regret it, because I already tried my best.

See the background? A lovely hill. Perfect!





Again, pay attention to the background.. :)





Imagine having this blissful view outside your window everyday in your life?



I love the cabbage planter. I might want to make a bigger planter box though ..



Water catchment area and a fireplace. Perfect!



Amazing view! And you could just roll your way to the lake!! *sigh* I'm in love.. :P



A long and winding road to the house, a chimney, and a perfect hillside location .. :) I couldn't ask for more. :)

Or course you can take a peek at the original posting here (http://www.studiohousedesign.com/landscape-room-lid-architecture/), after reading my obsession about the house.. :D

Last night I dreamt of my late Grandmother. Oh how I miss her.. :( She was amputated on both leg, but now she can stand up, and look much thinner and happier. Only shorter, which is okay, as long as she's happy and healthy. I hope she found health and happiness back there in the other realm, and I wish to Allah and the angels that may my Grandmother's fault are forgiven, and for Allah to take good care of her.. :)

Now back to my dream. She was laying down on her bed at first, with crumpled face. But then she receive a call, informing that my big brother had an accident, so she jumped to life instantly and get dressed.

Maybe I just miss her too much. Hope its not bad omen or something..

No, the title isn't some figure of speech. The title clearly telling you that I am dreaming about Soeharto, last night. It's a weird dream, and I woke up instantly, because of the heat and the mosquito bites, of course.

After all it's not a bad dream, definitely not a nightmare, just a weird dream. Why would on earth I dreamt of Soeharto? I could've just dreamt of my late Grandmother, it's far better, and I miss her too.

In my dream, I was his grand daughter. He's sitting on a bench wearing black shirt, and I asked him how is he doing? He looked healthy and younger than he is now, and he told me he's fine. That's all I can remember. But maybe that's all. No more, no less.

Anyway, I looked up at dreamdoctor, and I checked on the dictionary under C, for Celebrity. Yep, Soeharto is a celebrity of his kind, whatever that is. And it said that it's a sign, that I'm going to be elevated into a celebrity level. Or a higher level than I am now. Woww.. I never even thought of it.. It sounds like a good idea though. Let's just hope so, and also hope for the best, that this is going to be a good sign for my new Singapore adventure.. :-D

I wanted to be the Wind, I wanted to be the Sun, I'll run recklessly chasing whatever dreams I got in my life.. I wanted to run up to the top of Everest and shouted to the whole world that I am capable of EVERYTHING.. And I'll be able to do whatever my heart told me, whenever I like.. No pretenses, no fake smiles, no blackened heart. I wanted to be free of everything, I wanted to be free of pain, of misery, of all the bad thought and bad things that poisoned the World. I wanted to be free, I wanted to be pure, I wanted to be sincere. I want to live in a world where no strategies, no lies, no deceit and no hypocrisy.. I wanted to live purely and innocently, in a pure world, with selfless people, kind and considerate as they'd always be..

Suddenly I feel tired of all this. Sick of having to depend so much on money. So I'd have to be either filthy rich, or so carelessly poor in the depth of rain forest in Kalimantan, dedicating myself to save the environment or try stopping the illegal logging, or just trying to educate the uncivilized tribes there, before they ate my flesh and hung my shrunkened head on a stick outside their village.. :))

I need tranquility, I need stability, I need comfort, and I need a peace of mind. I need to take a stroll up to a hill/ forest/ lake.. And just sit there watching the world spinning around me like there'll be no tomorrow.. And probably there won't be any, but at least I've made my peace.

I wanted to sit by my window, watch the sun goes down, blackened the skies, and just listen to the wind gushing and rain drops, doors banging and a distant human noises..

And I'm free.

Now I can proudly announce that I've heard the wedding bells.. ;-) the sound's still considered far, but closer than anything I've ever heard from this past 3 years :-D

I feel closer to him than ever, and knowing that he'd be a good and responsible husband has made me feel safe. I think I love him. It must be love. If not, what is? :-P I still have my dreams, and his support for my dreams has made me love him even more. I really really think I love him. Or I think I really really love him.. :-D

The only problem left is money. He feel he doesn't have enough money to show my parents so that he can take my hand in marriage and give me the 'proper' life, as they'd expect. I wanted to help. Oh God I honestly do. But what can I do? We can use up all of our money on house, car and a romantic honeymoon. That's all I want. But tradition told us to waste all of our savings on a silly celebration.. :-( What will happen if I told my parents that all I wanted is a simple akad nikah, a romantic honeymoon; a house and a car? :-D

Veeeery tempting...

First of all, I want to thank Allah for making me write again. it's been too long and now I feel very much relieved and.. Honestly it feels so much like home. So relaxing and peaceful. :-D But that's not what I wanted to talk about.

I wanted to talk abt this conversation I had with Andy, while we're discussing a possibility for him to work in Kalimantan. I told him I'd love to go with him, and just find another work there. And he responded, 'So you'll throw away your career in Jakarta?'. And I instantly laughed and said, 'What career? I don't have any career in Jakarta!'.

And here I am, re-playing that conversation in my head and think, damn.. I REALLY don't have any career in Jakarta.. :-P It struck me, because, well, I get paid pretty well, but for my talents, for what I can do, but it doesn't promise me any career advancement, yet. Not in this company I currently work for. So anyway, to get on with my so-called 'career', I need to get out of this useless company I am now and find another place to work.

I know I've been having this pattern since I graduated from university, and it doesn't give me any advantages besides being a real generalist instead of a specialist. And when I told Andy I wanted a career change, he's sort of freaked out.. :-))

Of course I wouldn't actually do that.. I'm not that reckless and naive, no matter how much I wanted to :-D

Maybe I just enjoy the creative world too much..

Anyway, now, honestly, I feel lost. I wanted to go to Singapore; I wanted to find a new job; I wanted to move to another city; my parents wants me to work for PU; I wanted to live peacefully in Jogja and learn how to make batik; I wanted to learn to sculpt, shape, cut, tore, paint, and just create and think with my hands; I wanted to be a successful and rich freelancer; I wanted to be a travel writer; I wanted to open my own store; I wanted to get married and have wonderful babies; I wanted to be a successful career woman but will always have time for family..

I just hope and pray to God that He will guide me to the best path.

:ameen..:

I just browse through my cd collection, looking for mp3s to put in my new 1gig micro SD when I found a data cd with my personal datas when I was still in university. It feels like I'm opening a pandora box. My past has flew fast in front of me and I miss it a lot. I was so full of energy and dreams, and I'm pursuing it with great determination. Compared to who I am now, I feel like dying.. I'm not who I am supposed to be anymore.. Maybe that's faith, but I miss my old me.. I miss myself.. I miss my dreams.. I miss pursuing them with great determination. Does one really have to choose at some point? Can't we just have it all? Where should I go? What should I do with the future that lies wide in front of me? Where should I go? What is it that I want? I feel completely clueless. But whatever it is, I've to found the answer soon. And I've to make my life far more productive than for just work.. And work.. And work. I am dead trapped in the rat race that I've always hate and tries to run from.

Today's Saturday. Sabbath day, the best day of the week. I just lay here, enjoy the fresh wind, listening to bird's chipping, peeking at the window, staring at the sky.. I daydreamed..

It must be great to be Karl Lagerfeld, Marc Jacobs, Zaha Hadid, and many of those famous beyond their wildest dream designers. And the world will be anxious to see even their smallest doodles/ scribbles. I didn't dare to dream, nevertheless setting a life goal to be like them, but if I could just wish.. I'd wish to be as established as them.

Designer isn't just a job. It's a dive into your soul, searching for the best solution of a case. It's not all about technical things, but also how we put people's life in the good care of our design and enhances the life quality. It's mainly about using your heart, being true and honest, in search for an answer, while taking advices from the brain and experience.

I'm getting sleepy.. I'm going to take a short nap, and getting ready for shopping later in the afternoon. My monthly supplies, and probably also personal supplies at the office.

*yawn..*

I don't have a specific criteria for men, but 2 things I know that they should have, that is a positive attitude, strong personality and ambition. And what's disappointing me is that, he has no ambition.. How can people live, or strive for a better future if they don't have ambition? One must have goal, and to live their lives based on this one goal. Dreams, ambition, or whatever you called it, is the fuel of life. It makes the world go round. And.. I don't know.. I know he's not perfect, and I am too, and I've learn to understands his dark sides, and to love our differences. But no ambition..? And I'm so full of dreams, I wanted to be able to do a lot of things.. I wanted to be the best in everything I do.. And I wanted someone I can share those dreams with.. How can I share my life with someone who doesn't even share the same goal in life? :-(

I wanted a career.. I wanted to be a Senior Manager in some flashy company, highly overpaid to do the things that I've a great passion with, the things i love most.. I want soul serenity balanced with all the best in life's happiness..

Have i done a mistake?
Have i took the wrong and mislead pathways along the line?
A dear friend's right, I need a target.
I need a goal.

Probably 15million Indonesian salary before i hit 30?
And my own company before i hit 35?
And make it a huge success before i hit 40?
And what if i failed?


......





Shit.

I don't know.

We just have to find out, and stick to the plan..

So... Whatever it is to come, just face it with a smile. We made plans, but destiny's giving it a turn.. And we have to turn, or we'll be frustrated and go crazy. Don't try to fight it, but just go with the flow.. And make the best out of the turn.. I might be unhappy ended up working in a consultant -- something i dread and avoid since graduation. But now here i am..

Let's just make the best out of this journey. And always remember to give the best out of you. Don't ever be lazy because life's hard, and it will need a lot of power, strength and persistence. Simply be the best, and work hard. God help me to be the best in whatever i do, give me the power to be strong and persistent. Give me the courage to fight, and please give me the light and accompany me along the way.. Amen. Whatever happened during my 1year and 11month of service in this company is precious, and i will treasure it all my life. It's a worthy experience, and i think in a way God is preparing me for a bright future.. :)

menjelang lebaran dan akhir taun.. dengan kondisi neraca keuangan yang tambal sulam.. hikss.. impian-impian yang belum terwujudkan, kewajiban-kewajiban yang belum dilakukan.. rasanya tahun ini tidak bisa dibilang bagus.. :(

it's not a bad year, at least i've a job, but i'm not doing things that i'm supposed to be doing this year.. :((

like, getting new boyfriend and start an international career.. jeezz....

anyway, for next year i've promised myself. i HAVE to start writing and finished it!! next year, i'll be like andrea or ncha.


h o p e f u l l y . . .