A place where I can live, breathe, talk and see

3 months in Jakarta, still haven't got the perfect rithym and order in my life just yet, but I think things are looking good.

For one, I exercise regularly now. Which is something that I've been wanting to do since a long time ago. And Carrefour is just 150 meter away which is a great thing ^^ and I learn how to cook which will reduce our food expenses, so its a double HOORAY!! And I shop less!! Which is damn AWESOMEE!! Although the temptation of online shopping is very hard to resist..

So overall, my days in Jakarta has been well spent. ^^ But I still think that I need to increase its quality..

Anyway, yesterday I started watching this Korean Drama called Scent of a Woman. It's about a girl who suddenly diagnosed with cancer and only have 6 months to live. And the thought of having only 6 months to live really change her. And I thought of my own life and started thinking, what if I only have 6 months to live?

So here goes my list. Not a very exciting and adventurous list, I'm afraid. But its mine ^^.

1. Read the Koran, the entire 30 chapters, even its only the Indonesian translation.

2. Read the Hadits app I just download.

3. Memorize at least 10 short surahs.

My short surahs collection is VERY small

4. Do some act of kindness at least 3 times a day to other people than my husband. Of course bcs I'm always nice to him ^^

5. Wakaf/ donate a piece of land for mosque or orphanage.

6. Umrah & travel to its surrounding countries

So those are my TOP priorities. I also have a short list of things with less priority, and here it goes :

1. Learn Mandarin.

2. Learn to make an Android App.

3. That's all I can think for now. :)

So you see, a very short and unambitious list. But if I know in advance that I will die in 6 months, those are the things that I MUST do before the day. ^^

So what's the connection between my days in Jakarta and this to do list? Well, nothing. :) I simply want to make full use of my life, be somebody and be a blessing in other people's life.

Have a great weekend people!! ^^

I sent out my thoughts and prayers to Allah.

And so does billions of other people; and even trillions of those sent by djinns, animals, plants, microbes.. Every living, breathing being in this universe pray to Allah. So Allah must be very busy. But yet He keeps on listening. And watching. And warmed your heart just by remembering His names. Because He loves you, and He will never ever desert you.

Countless of prayers and hopes sent out everyday, and yet not even one is overlooked or neglected. If you feel like you're being ignored, it means He has other plans for you. Wether to test your faith, or to be patient, or to teach you to embrace His will, because His plan for you will be much more beautiful than your own. He sees, He listen, and He knows what's on your mind and what's troubling you, for He is closer to you than you own vein.

So have faith, and never give up. But when the time comes for you to actually given up, be grateful. Because Allah has given you a chance to make a new start, and carved a new beautiful path in your life.

This Saturday afternoon, deliberately sitting in my room the whole day doing my virtual "responsibilities".
When I finally bored with everything else, I googled myself. *yeah, I know. The ever narcissistic.* :D
After *finally!* bored with myself, I googled one of my old friend.
Stumbled into her blog, and very surprised of some unfortunate event that just happened to her.

In a way we're in the same position. I can understand her feelings. It's every woman's nightmare. But her condition are much proven and already happened. While mine, remains in the midst of anxieties and prayers. And just hope for the best. :)

Again remembering the old times, and the good times that we have together. And what a sweet, easy and happy life we used to have. And how far we've come today. Married. Have jobs. New families. Different sets of friends. Different obsessions. Different social circles. Different expectations from people that surrounds you. Different "needs". And somehow all of those things has made our simple life become so much complicated.

I don't like that. I always feels that I have a blissfully simple life. And I want to keep it that way. Or maybe its because I have a very badly short & selective memory. :) Or maybe because it's me who'd never wanted to have anything to do with complicated things, and just brushed it out of my mind. Out of my life. :D

And today, while I'm having my monthly hormonal kick (and forget to take my evening primrose oil soft gels, damn),
I feel awful. I feel upset about many things. I hate this agonizing feelings, and I hope I can just be back to my old normal simple self.

But in any day, a very good thing to do to brighten your mood is this one simple verse : "Truly, in remembering Allah do hearts find rest." (13:28)

Have a good Saturday (or whatever's left of it) and may we all have a simple & happy life! :)

I know this is just the beginning for me & him. The beginning of our life together. Whatever the future has in store for us, we will hold hands, be strong for each other, grow, and we will fight together.





As one.





Facing whatever life's challenges ahead of us.

I have a dream. For me. For him. For us.

My dream is so big sometimes it scares me. What if I can't fulfill that dream> What if I failed? What if I ended up having to run ther course of this rat race, until the day I die?

I have a dream. And I will try my hardest to make it come true. And if I failed, I won't regret it, because I already tried my best.

Last weekend I bought this pinhole glasses.


I accidentally bumped into this glasses 2 weeks ago, when I was waiting for a friend, and I decided to waste my time at Daiso, looking at all the cool and quirky Japanese's answer to all of our life's needs.

And then I saw the glasses. Attracted by the ridiculous solid black plastic with evenly-spaced tiny holes replacing the lens, I start trying it on and read the back package. It says that the glasses can be used for an eye therapy to reduce far-sightedness, near-sightedness, astigmatism, and the likes of it. :P Having already promised myself to live lightly, and not to waste money on things that I'd only neglects after 1-2 times of using; I decided not to buy it that instant, but to research some more about this peculiar pinhole glasses, and make sure that it really worked.

Turns out that it is true! This glasses is a very cheap and non-evasive way to improve your eye sight. You don't even need a prescription to get one of there (I bought it at Daiso, remember? :P :D)

At the first time I wear it, the subtitle words on tv which usually looked blurred from afar, suddenly became clearer and sharper. :) But when I use it to read a much smaller text on computer screen, I can feel my eyes is working hard to focus, to get the clearest image for me. It gives sort of a giddy feeling on my eyes. Not the sort of feeling that I like, but I guess I have to take it since it's an important exercise to keep my lazy eyes well trained to focus. :P

But keep in mind that this pinhole glasses tends to block your peripheral vision so only use it when in stable environments. Do not use it while driving.


Me and my pinhole glasses(above).

So I guess I will try to religiously wearing this glasses for at least an hour a day, or whenever I watch tv or working on computer (at home), and I will post about the result within 1 or 2 months. :)

More links to enlightened you about this fabulous invention :
- Wikipedia
- Myopia.org

"It seems to me now that the plain state of being human is dramatic enough for everyone; you don't need to be a heroin addict or a performance poet to experience extremity. You just have to love someone. " -Katie Carr, "How To Be Good" by Nick Horby

Some part of my body, somewhere near my heart (which not actually my heart, because I know it's in a perfectly healthy condition), is aching.
A simple sorry would mean the world to me..

But no, such word is like a myth. Maybe the man has never heard of it. Or even know what it means. Or what it means to me. If he ever cared about me.

And it hurts. And it hurts me more when I saw him right there and act all innocent. It hurts so bad but there's nothing I can do.

:'(

Can anyone refresh my memory on why would I go to such length as falling in love? On taking the risk of loving, at the same time you also have assigned yourself to the exclusive experience of pain. And not just the usual kind of pain. If feels like something (or somebody) is ripping off some part of your internal organs in the upper abdomen area. Damn it hurts ..

:'(

Did you know that Michelangelo created the statue of David at the age of 29? And the other day I read about Lady Gaga, this new singer that was noted to be a very talented singer song-writer, that some say she'll be the Madonna of the future, is only 22 years old! Somehow some people already done so much in such an early start; and here I am 28 years and 2 weeks old, still haven't done anything significant, and it got me thinking, am I just wasting my time in this world? :-S

I surely hope not.

I may not travel the globe, I may not going to much of an interesting adventures, I may not be a visionary, and I may not the richest girl in the world; but I have my family, my loved ones, my friends. And I earn enough halal money to live a decent normal life in Indonesia, and that's good enough for me.

I'm still struggling to be "somebody", though I still don't know how to do that just yet. I really want to leave my mark in this world, in a good way, that when I die, some people would still remember me as not just somebody, but somebody who has done a good thing for the world.

Maybe later, Insya Allah when I have enough money, by building a mosque, or an orphanage, or some house for the elderly.. But I want to do something for the world, if not for the people around me..

I've been trying to understand God lately.

What I've read, seen, experienced lately has either confuse me or scared me. And both are not some kind of feeling that I fond of.

It all started with me trying to find God. And I browse through shelves of books on spirituality, from Buddha and Dalai Lama to Mother Theresa and Eckhart Tolle.. But then I ended up with a biography of His last Messenger, Muhammad. Because I thought, if I really wants to find God, I should start with the closest person to God, which is Muhammad. I read Mohammad's biography, and found how life, even Muhammad himself, as the best amongst humans, are vulnerable. And how Muhammad, is guiding his life and path to the real victory by having a strong faith in God, and surrender everything in the Hands of God. And how our judgment, is so short-termed, shallow and stupid, and truly, most humans don't know the REAL good thing when it's standing right before him.

After that, I read this books titled The World Without Us, by Alan Weisman. This book, really is a revelation. It actually is a non-fiction book covering the main theme of what happens to the earth when human beings disappear. But for me, the book manage to covers not only the scientific aspects of what happens to the world after we're gone, but also the human nature and it evokes a deep religious and philosophical thinking. In short, a really good book. :)

Quoting from the book :

"I can't imagine a more appropriate setting." he says, "to describe what amounts to genocide. In my lifetime, millions of people slaughtered in death camps, from Europe's Holocaust to Darfur, are proof of what our species is capable of. My 50-year career has been absorbed by the extraordinary loss of huge animals whose heads don't appear on these walls. They were all exterminated, simply because it can be done. ..."

and, :

The matter is more complicated than a killer instinct that never relents until another species is gone. It involves acquisitive instincts that also can't tell when to stop, until something we never intended to harm is fatally deprived of something it needs. We don't actually have to shoot songbirds to remove them from the sky. Take away enough of their home or sustenance, and they fall dead on their own.

While reading the book, I get too carried away, at some point I even hate humans. :)) And I start thinking about God again, about Angels, and what did they think about humans, and are they ever regret for choosing us as Khalifah's of the World..

And I became really curious, about what God's plan behind all this.. Why God let us humans slaughtered all the magnificent creature that He once created? Why God let us human to keep on doing damage in this world, suffocated His other perfect creation to death, hunt them to extinction, and poison the entire Earth?

If I were God, I'd be very disappointed. I'd be very angry. But I'm not God. And I know that God has the most beautiful plan for all of us.

When I started my search of God, the Economic Crisis has been looming around for a couple of months. And now, as the Great Wall of Capitalism is falling around me, one of it's gracious brick fell right smack into my right foot, not enough to hurt me, but enough to startle and wake me up.

My friends got laid off right in front of me.

I knew that people being laid off, and I knew that the economy is bad, but looks like all of those things are only happening in TV. In my little world, nothing could go wrong, and I could live forever.. :P But this, really got me thinking.

This job, which I consider is pretty good; the one job that once got me thinking about re-assessing my wedding plans; the one job that I could count on; the one job where I can actually see it as my ladder to the peak of my precious career; is nothing but a mirage that can disappear anytime now.

And now I really understand, that life IS vulnerable. And we shouldn't count on anything but God, and only God. Because God can turn one life's around in a single second, and we have no power whatsoever on our lives. That's why, just like Muhammad (PBUH), we should just try our best, and always have faith in God, that God would never neglect us, and will always provide with what's best for us.. :))

And what relates Global Warming with Global Economic Crisis? Very easy. This Global Economic Crisis, I think its God's beautiful way of fixing human's harm to Earth and teach all of us to be a better person. In a hard way.

No economy, no factories, no pollutions, no CO2s.

This is even better than Alan Weisman's extreme solution of exterminating humans from Earth. And my friends, who were being laid off, are all part of God's masterplan to revive Earth to it's glory.

With a lower income than before (or no income at all), humans are trying to adapt by consume less, recycle more, and .. I don't know. Maybe have more time to spend with their families?

It's not that bad after all, right? :)

Today I'm having a powerful encounter with a very unique, unpredictable and strong character. This character, is so unique and unpredictable, it's like nothing I've ever met before. I thought the world is only in black and white, but they do have greys.

This character is so unique, I can't even decide must I like or hate. And I decide to 10% like, and 90% just abstain. But I tend to like this character.

Anyway, this unique, unpredictable, strong character teaches me something really important.

1. Plan your future well. Plan what you want for your career and your life. Don't put your fate in the hands of others. This is a very strong statement, and I do admire this character for being able to really stand up for this principle. But I do want to be strong and firm like this as well. So maybe I'll try.. :)

We talked a lot, and I say to her, that I thought the only way to get a significant salary and position raise is by moving to another company. But this character said that it doesn't have to be like that. You can go up to the extend of going to your boss, and say to them that you need a raise, and here are the lists of things that I've done. And we can also compare ourselves with others at the same level, saying that we've done something better that this significant others and we'd definitely deserve to get something better.

2. Respect and think highly of yourself. Appreciate yourself, and others will do so also.

3. I am a valuable professional, and a great designer, and I should believe myself on this fact, as others also believe in me. I think this is one of the most flattering things that I've ever heard. This unique character, told me that I should be in a higher position that I have now. Because that's what she thought of me at first, and she felt that I was treated unjustly because I'm in the position that I am now, which should be higher. I already warn you that this character is very strong, and very unpredictable, and these words, coming out of this character, I should say is very flattering and encouraging. I do hope that this character is sincere with this statement, and meant nothing bad.

And anyway, this is the 2nd times that I heard this kind of statement, from an older and experienced and respected souls, so it must meant something right? :) RIGHT! So I must start believing in myself, and things that I can do, and move forward in the speed of light with my life.. :)

Last week I'm back in Jakarta for a few days, and just realise that life in Jakarta, is an encapsulated life.

An encapsulated life, which put a distance between us and our Mother of Nature. Within these capsules, we're no longer touching the grounds, we're no longer caressing our Mother's womb, because some would consider it dirty. Within these capsules, we're no longer taking a deep breath and inhale the whole essence of life in the air, because, of course, it's highly polluted. Within these capsules, we're no longer touching the waters and drank joyfully from every other stream of water in sight. We can't do that, because, of course, it's contaminated with thousands of dangerous germs and chemicals.

We still can live "deliberately, to face only the essential fact of life" (as Thoreau once said) if you insist. As in, not living within the capsules. But I believe that you wouldn't live a long life. Simple as that.

The encapsulated life in Jakarta can be seen in many ways.

One of these capsules are cars. We were transported around the city within these. To make us move faster, to get us to places. Within these capsules we can create the environment we like. We do not interact with the ground, we do not interact with the air, nor the water, and we live happily inside our capsule. And life is good. For those living within. And for a short while.

Do you know how does it feel to walk alongside those capsules? Have you ever feel the hot air? The carbon dusts?

There's a balance for everything. And for the encapsulated joy that some people feel within, some would have to suffer the residue. The consequences.

And now, we are paying the consequences of capitalism. For the sins of the 1% which controls the 99% of the world.

It's been almost 6 months since I've been living here. And I kinda liked it here. I may not have my family and boyfriend w/ me, but I always talked to him via messenger, and he come to visit me and I called him often. As for my family, they also visit me.. As for friends, I make new friends, meet new people, and always in touch w/ my friends through messenger also. In short, I'm happy enough w/ this arrangement.

And here, now, I feel like I'm changing. Turning into a better person, hopefully.

I feel like, I've become more sensitive to life's beauties. I've become more in touch w/ my inner self, more contemplative, mentally nourished and fulfilled.

I do still have my own problem at work, but who doesn't? There's no such thing as the perfect life, but its up to you to make it perfect for you.

In here, I don't feel so clueless and marginalized as in Jakarta. In here I learn a lot. I read, I listen to classical music, I went to museums, I watch art performances, and with all those I relaxed, and feel nourished.

In Jakarta I don't have an easy access to all those. My life rotates around work, going to the mall, and I have very limited access to information, and going places will be hell, or expensive, or both.

In short, like a plant, this city is like a well treated and fertilized soil which will allows me to grew big and bloom w/ lots of beautiful flowers and delicious fruits and lush leaves.

And I want to live here.

Did you know how people who thought they are at a higher social & economic level than others tends to take others for granted? This act has been done by my boss, just to show (supposedly) me that he's better than me. Well, in age and wealth, that's definitely. He's a good a lot older and richer. And for some people, that kind of act may cause them to give more respect, but not me. I found that act ridiculous. And I've never pay respect for someone who wouldn't respect others.

I wanted to be the Wind, I wanted to be the Sun, I'll run recklessly chasing whatever dreams I got in my life.. I wanted to run up to the top of Everest and shouted to the whole world that I am capable of EVERYTHING.. And I'll be able to do whatever my heart told me, whenever I like.. No pretenses, no fake smiles, no blackened heart. I wanted to be free of everything, I wanted to be free of pain, of misery, of all the bad thought and bad things that poisoned the World. I wanted to be free, I wanted to be pure, I wanted to be sincere. I want to live in a world where no strategies, no lies, no deceit and no hypocrisy.. I wanted to live purely and innocently, in a pure world, with selfless people, kind and considerate as they'd always be..

Suddenly I feel tired of all this. Sick of having to depend so much on money. So I'd have to be either filthy rich, or so carelessly poor in the depth of rain forest in Kalimantan, dedicating myself to save the environment or try stopping the illegal logging, or just trying to educate the uncivilized tribes there, before they ate my flesh and hung my shrunkened head on a stick outside their village.. :))

I need tranquility, I need stability, I need comfort, and I need a peace of mind. I need to take a stroll up to a hill/ forest/ lake.. And just sit there watching the world spinning around me like there'll be no tomorrow.. And probably there won't be any, but at least I've made my peace.

I wanted to sit by my window, watch the sun goes down, blackened the skies, and just listen to the wind gushing and rain drops, doors banging and a distant human noises..

And I'm free.

Money, that is. The very thing that makes the world go round. I hate how we're becoming so dependant to it; and how we've given up our morals, our personal pleasure, our dreams and hope for happiness, just in pursue of money. And I hate how even I, are thinking that I'll be very happy if I can get certain amount of money. A part of me are damn well know that happiness comes from within, not outside. And money won't make me happy.

I wanted to live my life the way I want it, fulfilling my passion, doing only things that makes me happy, be with the ones I love and loves me.. But somehow money holds them back from me.. :-(

I wanted to live a good life, with many true friends and people who actually cares, loves, and doesn't hate. I don't want to be corrupted by hatred nor other maggoty things of soul, I always wanted to see things fairly and clearly without prejudice towards anything. But there's always an exception, and there's this one object who seems to be such a pain is my a**. I felt her like a needle under the skin, I feel her negativity and hatred for me so big and I've to respond with almost similar resistance. But as you grew to know me, you should've known that I never does it frontally. I feel her negativity and it makes me very uncomfortable. It makes me sad and it got me thinking.. I've never meant any harm, verbally or implicitly, but I don't know, probably I've said done something that hurts her. Only God knows what. I'll never done anything to hurt others in my simple conscious, because I truly believes in karma. So what I've done to deserves such a hatred? It really got me thinking... *feeling so sad in early morning*

Today's Saturday. Sabbath day, the best day of the week. I just lay here, enjoy the fresh wind, listening to bird's chipping, peeking at the window, staring at the sky.. I daydreamed..

It must be great to be Karl Lagerfeld, Marc Jacobs, Zaha Hadid, and many of those famous beyond their wildest dream designers. And the world will be anxious to see even their smallest doodles/ scribbles. I didn't dare to dream, nevertheless setting a life goal to be like them, but if I could just wish.. I'd wish to be as established as them.

Designer isn't just a job. It's a dive into your soul, searching for the best solution of a case. It's not all about technical things, but also how we put people's life in the good care of our design and enhances the life quality. It's mainly about using your heart, being true and honest, in search for an answer, while taking advices from the brain and experience.

I'm getting sleepy.. I'm going to take a short nap, and getting ready for shopping later in the afternoon. My monthly supplies, and probably also personal supplies at the office.

*yawn..*

I don't have a specific criteria for men, but 2 things I know that they should have, that is a positive attitude, strong personality and ambition. And what's disappointing me is that, he has no ambition.. How can people live, or strive for a better future if they don't have ambition? One must have goal, and to live their lives based on this one goal. Dreams, ambition, or whatever you called it, is the fuel of life. It makes the world go round. And.. I don't know.. I know he's not perfect, and I am too, and I've learn to understands his dark sides, and to love our differences. But no ambition..? And I'm so full of dreams, I wanted to be able to do a lot of things.. I wanted to be the best in everything I do.. And I wanted someone I can share those dreams with.. How can I share my life with someone who doesn't even share the same goal in life? :-(

I just back from my parent's collague's son wedding. The short CV for the groom is, handsome (ex Abang Jakarta), come from a respectively wealthy family (due to his father's high position), have a very good future (he works for Slumbersea). Bottomline, the perfect bloodline, perfect future. And the wife, as we might already predict, is equally perfect. Perfectly beautiful (ex None Jakarta), with bling2 tv career as a news anchor girl or something. Life couldn't have been more perfect for the lucky couple. Some people are born like that. Things are served in silver plate. Shoveled to their beautiful mouths. Things that for some other people can only dream and drooled on.. I've to admit, for a while I feel a sheer jealousy. But now as I came to think of it, I still am very much blessed, and have to be (really) grateful for what God has given me.. The bride and groom can appear to be as perfect as they wanted to, but we never knew what's under the surface, and we can only assume.

As India Arie would say in her song, "..it's all about perception, and the paradise is in your mind.."

I used to dream about being of housewife of a succesfull husband.. But now, on a second thought, I will NEVER be a housewife no matter what. Men these days are unbelievable. In the most negative way possible. They're like, don't have any respect for their wives anymore, especially when they already have a lot of money and feel like he can buy the world.. And by not working, we're stripped out of our political and economical power. And what happened if we need money to help our parents/family? Or to splurge on something just to know that we can afford those? Or just to share it with others in need? We might not be THAT lucky to found a spouse that's really understanding.. I'm talking reality here. We always wanted to found our soulmate, someone who's perfect for us in everyway.. We wanted everything to be perfectly romantic like in the movies.. But there are girls who'd have to face the hard fact that love just don't don't come easy. And a sweet, romantic, kind, rich, faithful, handsome, smart guys don't just go wandering around everywhere like alley cats. We need to work hard for that love. And if everything don't go right, we might need a divorce. And a lady divorcee, with no job, no money and a lot of kids equals disaster.. Or we might ended up gone ballistic and just keep swallowing our anger, up to the point that it'd kill us. Or before we kill our spouse.. ;-) Kidding..! Anyway, I hope I'll never be a pure housewife, or if I really have, God please give me an almost perfect (because nobody's perfect..) husband.. ;-)

We've been together for 2.5 years now.. We already have a joint account for our mutual future needs (i.e marriage) although we haven't really plan to be married in the near future.
And however close we are as a couple, when it comes to money, I just realise that we're not as trusting and cooperative to each other as I thought we were.. It shocked me a bit. And I just remember an old saying that even our husbands/wives are never will be an actual part of our family. Because blood is thicker than anything else, and family is more important than a spouse. It would be great if our spouse can actually understands us, and our family. But if they can't, then it's a great shame.. Therefore an Indonesian marriage is more complicated than others, simply because when we are married to someone it means that we're marrying the whole family. And as I grew older and (hopefully) come closer to that stage of life (marriage), I realized how true every old saying is..

A spouse is just a spouse, a mere way to have an offspring. But in God's eye even our family means nothing, except for an obedient child who'll pray to Allah for forgiveness of our sins.. That's why I always wanted a child, children.. As my love-bite mark to the world, and to pray for my forgiveness when I die.

There's also one old saying that I don't like, but it's always on my mind because it might be true.. That we could never love our parents as much as they love us.. And the same thing for us and our children. It's a shame because I really love my parents and hopefully I can repay their love and kindness someday.. Which I knew I'll never can...