A place where I can live, breathe, talk and see

This Saturday afternoon, deliberately sitting in my room the whole day doing my virtual "responsibilities".
When I finally bored with everything else, I googled myself. *yeah, I know. The ever narcissistic.* :D
After *finally!* bored with myself, I googled one of my old friend.
Stumbled into her blog, and very surprised of some unfortunate event that just happened to her.

In a way we're in the same position. I can understand her feelings. It's every woman's nightmare. But her condition are much proven and already happened. While mine, remains in the midst of anxieties and prayers. And just hope for the best. :)

Again remembering the old times, and the good times that we have together. And what a sweet, easy and happy life we used to have. And how far we've come today. Married. Have jobs. New families. Different sets of friends. Different obsessions. Different social circles. Different expectations from people that surrounds you. Different "needs". And somehow all of those things has made our simple life become so much complicated.

I don't like that. I always feels that I have a blissfully simple life. And I want to keep it that way. Or maybe its because I have a very badly short & selective memory. :) Or maybe because it's me who'd never wanted to have anything to do with complicated things, and just brushed it out of my mind. Out of my life. :D

And today, while I'm having my monthly hormonal kick (and forget to take my evening primrose oil soft gels, damn),
I feel awful. I feel upset about many things. I hate this agonizing feelings, and I hope I can just be back to my old normal simple self.

But in any day, a very good thing to do to brighten your mood is this one simple verse : "Truly, in remembering Allah do hearts find rest." (13:28)

Have a good Saturday (or whatever's left of it) and may we all have a simple & happy life! :)

A dear friend has left us today. She decided to went back to her hometown, to re-live her dreams back there, and letting go of the so-called international career here. It's her own free choice.

I've been quite close to her. Having went out with her almost every weekends for the past 5 months. She's a good company, and very generous. And one thing I've learn from her, is to never under estimate others, and to always be humble.

She has a senior position in the office. But she never looked down at me, which obviously her junior, several ranks away from her. She always looked and talked to me as someone within her rank, and she makes me feel like I am very well appreciated. For my talents, for my intellectual quality, and for me as a human being.

And I like that feeling. It's very difficult to find a senior like that you know.

I feel like she believes in me, sometimes more that I can believe myself. She always told me that I'll reach her position one day, and that's why I need to prepare myself for that time since now. I was surprised. I never thought that a person like her can say such things to me.

She's truly is a dear friend. And the most important thing is, she believes in me. That's why I'm writing this as a little reminder to myself.

For me, not to forget that I should grew and learn to always be humble and kind, no matter high my position will be.
And secondly, as a reminder, that there's someone who actually believes in me, believe that I can do so many things, and that's why there's no reason that I shouldn't believe in what I can do. Because I CAN. :)

Thank you dear friend.

It's been a short 5 months, but it's been a great 5 months. And I believe that in that short 5 months is never a mistake as you might thought it would be, but a beautiful coincidence arranged by God, for me to learn these beautiful things from you, to meet such a lovely person as you, and for you, to know me, whatever it means to you.

:|

I just browse through my cd collection, looking for mp3s to put in my new 1gig micro SD when I found a data cd with my personal datas when I was still in university. It feels like I'm opening a pandora box. My past has flew fast in front of me and I miss it a lot. I was so full of energy and dreams, and I'm pursuing it with great determination. Compared to who I am now, I feel like dying.. I'm not who I am supposed to be anymore.. Maybe that's faith, but I miss my old me.. I miss myself.. I miss my dreams.. I miss pursuing them with great determination. Does one really have to choose at some point? Can't we just have it all? Where should I go? What should I do with the future that lies wide in front of me? Where should I go? What is it that I want? I feel completely clueless. But whatever it is, I've to found the answer soon. And I've to make my life far more productive than for just work.. And work.. And work. I am dead trapped in the rat race that I've always hate and tries to run from.

After a chat with a dear friend, discussing nothing and everything, we finally talked about my surroundings. Friends. Girl friends. And it just strikes me that 3 of my closest circles are having an affair with non-single guys. With the recent issues of polygamy, cheating husbands, and I just sit, watching the news and keep asking myself, what’s happening to the world?
As a girl with boyfriend, I’d definitely will tear off any girl who tries to play around with my guy, let alone having an affair with him. And vice versa, if I happened to be single. If we don’t like to be hit, don’t hit others. It’s a simple karma rule.

But why does it keep on happening?

Honestly, I don’t have an answer for this one. I guess it’s just a matter of statistics, which I always heard that the female populations are outnumbering the males. But does it justify treachery? And what will happen to the world if we cannot trust our lovers any longer? If we can no longer trust our own souls? And what is the solution to that?

Then I come to my 3 closest circles to seek for an answer. And one said that it’s because she’s lonely. She’s never the cheating type, but loneliness beats good sense. Rather pathetic, but it’s a fact.

The 2nd friend said that it’s simply lust. And she never found someone as “good” as this guy she’s been involved with.

While my 3rd friend said, well, she’s having a hard time looking for a permanent lover, while the hormones are pushing out all the times, and she HAS to find someone, even if it makes her to be a part-time lover.

And me, when I was single and desperately looking, it really is hard to find an eligible nice single straight guys who wants me.. And having some relationship with non-single guys is interesting and fun. It’s one of the ways to prove myself (or is it just an apology? ) better than other girls, and that I am still wanted.. And I can tease the guy and (hopefully) talked him into leaving his current girlfriend. Pathetic hope. Sad but true. Sad because, I could’ve ended up being only a part-time lover while he keeps having fun with his girlfriend(s). That’s what happened to my 2nd friend, by the way. He promised her that he’ll break up with his girlfriend and make her his. And instead of make her his, he gets himself another girl, whilst making my friend his permanent part-timers.

I really don’t know how to conclude this, but just take good care of yourselves. And do what is considered right to your heart.. Which I believe is the ultimate truth.

I can get used of this city, and slowly everything isn't as painful as before..
It's just that, I'm longing for a change. And for a better future (well who doesn't??). And seems like everything went veeeryyyy slow..

And some people which I expected to be supportive isn't helping at all.. So I'm totally on my own.. It's a good thing I'm not under as much stress as before, or I'll just cracked and went ballistic. *sigh* Totally disappointing. I don't know where I done wrong? What did I do to deserve all the ignorance??

Many many thanks to a lot of local friend who always been very helpful (Bee and Paew and New), and always asks, "What can I do for you, Iva?" or "What do you want me to bring for lunch/breakfast tomorrow?". SUPER!! ;))

Without them, my life will be a living hell.

The idea of heaven, for me, in this world, is to be able to live independently, to live a pure life, totally unspoiled by the corrupted and polluted world.

I'll live in my own island, work for no one but still able to make a good and proper living, I'll grow my own vegetables, raise my own chicken and cow for egg and milk.

I'll make contacts with my neighbors for sure, I'll still shop for some things in the nearest traditional market or supermarket (which one comes first), I'll still be going to the big city, when it's really really necessary.

My friends will be the humble yet smart and non-fussy ladies, whatever their job is. We'll talk about our kids, family, jobs, vegetables, flowers, recipes, cows and chickens. We live with love, we don't have enemies, we left our front door open most of the days.

My kids will be raised by me (and my husband, of course..) and taught by Mother Nature. Nature is their playground, and they don't watch TV more than an hour a day.

What a beautiful place to live in, what a happy and fulfilling life it'd be..