A place where I can live, breathe, talk and see

3 months in Jakarta, still haven't got the perfect rithym and order in my life just yet, but I think things are looking good.

For one, I exercise regularly now. Which is something that I've been wanting to do since a long time ago. And Carrefour is just 150 meter away which is a great thing ^^ and I learn how to cook which will reduce our food expenses, so its a double HOORAY!! And I shop less!! Which is damn AWESOMEE!! Although the temptation of online shopping is very hard to resist..

So overall, my days in Jakarta has been well spent. ^^ But I still think that I need to increase its quality..

Anyway, yesterday I started watching this Korean Drama called Scent of a Woman. It's about a girl who suddenly diagnosed with cancer and only have 6 months to live. And the thought of having only 6 months to live really change her. And I thought of my own life and started thinking, what if I only have 6 months to live?

So here goes my list. Not a very exciting and adventurous list, I'm afraid. But its mine ^^.

1. Read the Koran, the entire 30 chapters, even its only the Indonesian translation.

2. Read the Hadits app I just download.

3. Memorize at least 10 short surahs.

My short surahs collection is VERY small

4. Do some act of kindness at least 3 times a day to other people than my husband. Of course bcs I'm always nice to him ^^

5. Wakaf/ donate a piece of land for mosque or orphanage.

6. Umrah & travel to its surrounding countries

So those are my TOP priorities. I also have a short list of things with less priority, and here it goes :

1. Learn Mandarin.

2. Learn to make an Android App.

3. That's all I can think for now. :)

So you see, a very short and unambitious list. But if I know in advance that I will die in 6 months, those are the things that I MUST do before the day. ^^

So what's the connection between my days in Jakarta and this to do list? Well, nothing. :) I simply want to make full use of my life, be somebody and be a blessing in other people's life.

Have a great weekend people!! ^^

I woke up this morning with a gripping fear that I can easily die today if God wanted me to. Well I know that we can die anytime, but when I woke up this morning, the thought just came to me. And it scares me so much I couldn`t go back to sleep. :( I still feel so sleepy, but couldn`t go back to sleep.

I feel so anxious. And scared. That simply ANYTHING can happen to me today. While I`m here, alone. My husband is far away, and my family is even further. :(

I don`t want to die just yet. :( I want to have kids first, and to be able to watch them grow up to be great person. I want to build a decent family life first. With my husband right by my side. And I want to set my life right first. To be a good, kind and generous person. And hopefully to be able to help as many people as
I possibly can.

Since I woke up this morning, the news of Michael Jackson's death has been blaring from every media I tune in to. And it's the major topic of every conversation I made with people today. And then I heard about Farah Fawcett's death too.

I don't really feel sad at first, because I don't really liked both. But after being bombarded by the news all day, and people saying how sad they are, and how they have lost their life-long idol and a music genius and stuff like that, I kind of getting carried away and feel a bit sad also.

Or maybe it's because of my PMS. :P

I miss my Grandmother so much lately.

I thought about her a lot.
And I thought about death.
And I thought about why I didn't try my best to come right on the day she's buried..

The truth is, ..

I'm scared. Scared that I won't be able to control myself, and just losing my self in a scary hole of hollowness. And hysterics. :(

And I want my last memory of my Grandmother is still her beautiful, healthy self. In fact, my last memory of her is not in a good condition, because she's terribly ill at that time. But at least she's alive at that time. And she's still be able to recognize me. And that's a good memory. And I want to keep it that way.

I bought her a perfume at that time. An expensive perfume that I know she'd love. She loves perfumes. And she get to smell it at that time.

I know it's a stupid gift. She's very ill. Apparently, dying. :( And I get her a perfume.

Oh God I miss her so much.. :((

The reason that I brought this topic up, is because I might not be able to visit her grave on Hari Raya. But I really wanted to.

What kind of granddaughter I am if I couldn't even visit her a year after her death? I really really want to visit her. Because I miss her so... much.. :((

I miss her much more now, than back then when she's still alive.. Maybe because right now, I know that I wouldn't be able to see her again.. :(

I want people to remember her. If not to know her, at least to know, that there once lived a wonderful woman named Sumarni. Although she might be just a little useless microscopic dot for the world, but I want the world to know, that I really really really love that microscopic dot. And to me, she means everything. To me, she's never a useless microscopic dot. She'll always be my star. She's my biggest star. Sometimes so close, sometimes so far, but nevertheless, always with me. Sometimes unreachable, but always reliable. I know she'll always be there, to watch over me, and love me.

This whole morning I was thinking.. What would be the worst punishment ever given to a passionate designer..?

The answer is, to not to let them design. That is their worst nightmare.

It's like, asking a fish to breathe on air.

And that's exactly what I'm feeling. This morning. I feel like a fish taken out of the water and trying to breathe air. I can't. I can't. I'm desperate. I feel so down and low I'm going to cry. For once I'm so low I doubted myself.

But then, at the afternoon, my luck changed :). And I'm so glad of it.