A place where I can live, breathe, talk and see

Besok mulai long weekend Natal. Mulai liburan yang semoga bisa benar- benar membuat relax dan santai. Di kepala rasanya kosong, tapi hati sesak sekali. Banyak hal yang membuat gusar, berpikir, tapi trus nggak mau mikir, mengalihkan perhatian ke hal- hal yang lain, denger kabar- kabar aneh yang makin bikin hati sesak, dan kepala jadi mulai ikut bingung..

Pengen umroh, pengen beli ini, beli itu.. Aduuh banyak sekali maunya.. Susah sekali terwujudnya..

Seperti memang ada sesuatu yang mau keluar.

It's been on my head these past weeks but I couldn't get it out just yet. You know, like the terrible urge to sh*t but you couldn't do it yet, not until the right time, after it has reach certain point of density.. And yesterday, on an article in Sunday paper, the words just hit me.

Poverty (Miskin)
The World Bank reports that 49% of the entire population in Indonesia lives in poverty and/or on the verge of poverty... ..We can no longer accuse fate as the cause of our difficult life, as there are options and opportunities opening wide everywhere. But it's because of the foolish egocentricism of the political power holder that often blocked these opportunities.

So it explains everything.

Starting from my needs for a faster computer. A laptop. FYI, to buy a laptop which meet my needs will sucked up almost my entire savings. And after that, I'm penniless. Poor. My 3 years of working savings, will be gone. Only for a laptop. Well, luckily I do still have other savings. But it's considered untouchable, because I keep that for a greater future needs.. ;))

While my friends who lives (work/ study) abroad goes taking a trip around Europe twice within 3 months period; or easily bought a laptop with their 1 month salary out of a part time job as a waitress.

I feel miserable.

I can't even afford to buy my essential needs. And especially computer, in this era, which shouldn't be a thing of luxury. Well, laptop is only slightly pricey.. And God knows I've a lot more other important needs than laptop.

I need to plan ahead, and I couldn't do it without a saving. If it took me a year of saving to buy a laptop, then after how many years can I have my own house? Car? And how am I suppose to raise my children? Send them to the best schools? How many years should I save for all that?

And I came to a conclusion that this country couldn't give me the opportunities and support I need. It has failed me, and it has failed the entire population...

The little shrub of me and everyone around me, has grown into a tree. A young tree, with branches that are still short but very strong, and some of them already grown twigs. With fresh little green leaves.

And the world seems to be oh-so-bright-and-fertile with breeding opportunities.

I feel like that tree. Not the tree with twigs and little green leaves. Only a tree, still struggling with my way up to reach a certain height, and then grow and strengthen my branch, and prepare everything for the grow of a twig and then later, my very own fresh little green leaves..

I just finished reading The Devil Wears Prada, which I found highly entertaining merely because how close can I have it related to my own experience. Although my version of the devil only wears his yellowing teeth and his quirky hair everywhere. :P But still thank Goodness that my boss isn't as bitchy as Miranda, or probably am, the thing he does with throwing away Starbucks just because it's not hot enough or it's mocha latte, not latte or something like that.. The good thing is that he's not doing it to me, so.., definitely not my problem and not my business.

Anyway, back to the main topic. Lately I've been working with this guy (a contractor, who runs his family business for his father while working for Exxon Mobil (damn his life couldn't be better..)) When I first met him, I instantly spot the most-expensive-type-of-nokia + gucci eye glasses + working suit + Exxon name card. Uh uh. Plus a master degree from UK. Good enough for me.

And on the next encounter at the site (yes, the construction site that's basically dusty and rotten..) It's big gold neck chain + Burberry hat + rolex watch + gucci eye glasses + shirt and sneakers and short which I haven't been able to identify from what brand.

And the next encounter, on Friday night. Seems like he just had a date, because he's looking very cool with jeans and all. But what interest me more is who does he wearing that night? It's still the same set of rolex + gucci + most-expensive nokia + gold chain and topped with guess shirt + oh darn I forget that brand of the bag he's wearing.. :((

It doesn't have a real connection what so ever with the book. But I just find it amusing meeting someone (a guy!!) who actually wear those brand I only dare to read in books and magazines.

And I wonder, was all that makes him a fashion addict? Or just simply darn successful in life? *shit!!*

I can get used of this city, and slowly everything isn't as painful as before..
It's just that, I'm longing for a change. And for a better future (well who doesn't??). And seems like everything went veeeryyyy slow..

And some people which I expected to be supportive isn't helping at all.. So I'm totally on my own.. It's a good thing I'm not under as much stress as before, or I'll just cracked and went ballistic. *sigh* Totally disappointing. I don't know where I done wrong? What did I do to deserve all the ignorance??

Many many thanks to a lot of local friend who always been very helpful (Bee and Paew and New), and always asks, "What can I do for you, Iva?" or "What do you want me to bring for lunch/breakfast tomorrow?". SUPER!! ;))

Without them, my life will be a living hell.

Things are happening all over again, and however beautiful the place I'm in right now, I'm not feeling even the slightest happiness... :((

I'm very far away from those I love, and I'm doing this shitty job for this **shole, and all this things are draining me up.. And the thoughts of not be able to coming home soon has made me suffer even more.

All I'm thinking of is to get out of this damn place, this damn shitty hole called company, and just live my life with the ones I love. And achieve my dreams..

How I'm longing for those beautiful days..

I really am very very very sorry to say this, but I think I have a serious problem, called as the above title. The constant-job-changing-syndrome.

I hits me again.

And NO, I don't do anything wrong.

Somehow I think it's the fastest way to get salary increase, (which is waaaaaaaaaaaayyy.. more than the mere 10%- 15% annual adjustment), plus it is also the easiest way to learn new things, which I really LOVE to do.

I always thought about writing a book about jobs and careers.

Yes, ME, the ill minded career psycho.

It's like taking an advice on vegan diet from the Big Bad Wolf. Gee.. Anyway, I always imagine the title will be something like, "An Imbicile's Guide to Career Advancement".

But I also want to warn you people about the danger of this syndrome. That is the hell of a time you need to fit in. It could take up to 6 months!! So you'd have to stay there (at that company) for at least 12 months to pay up for that time you need to fit in. Less than a year, well, it'll look sooooo.. bad in your CV, unless you can manage to prove an excellent career track, or a super-amazing work portfolios. Whatever that is. Whichever comes first.

I still have a lot to say. But for the complete story (so you don't need to be confused by this scattered notes), I suggest you to BUY the book. Whenever it will finally be done and comes out.

Yeah, right...

Saturday night, is the night when most people will feel guilty to sleep early. I've no problem with that.

My problem lies in what a few person in my neighborhood did while they stay awake.

In those nights, I felt mostly annoyed by the sounds of an awfully modificated raging machines (done and owned) by Valentino Rossi wannabees. It could simply be recognized by the high decibel sounds and thick fog of pollution.

Resulting in serious hearing deterioration and damaged lungs.

I really can't empathize to what's going on in those ppl's head. Somewhere in a small and remote neuro tissues of their brain, there are probably twists and knots.

Me, as a new citizen of this city, already a victim of the heavy pollution and low hygiene, are starting to loose hope when my boyfriend easily said, "Well, it's Jakarta's new trend, don't you know that..?"

I suddenly felt that my dream of having Jakarta as a clean, non-polluted city has soon fades away.

There's absolutely no hope for a city with citizens who actually thinks that damaged lungs and hearing loss is a cool thing.

This year I turn 25.
It's very crucial age.
It's a gate to the adult world, populated with rat races, corruptions, marriages and hypocrisy.

So this year, I'm officially an adult.

Soon-to-be-married, forever-contestant-of-the-rat-race, corrupted-hypocrite, adult.

Great..

So in entering this age, I need preparations, which will be :
- A totally balanced and fulfilling relationship (almost there!!)
- Investing my money in something useful (gold??)
- A well paid job, which I love
- A Master degree

This is a more realistic goals than the previous one. But hey, this is the real world we're talking about..

The idea of heaven, for me, in this world, is to be able to live independently, to live a pure life, totally unspoiled by the corrupted and polluted world.

I'll live in my own island, work for no one but still able to make a good and proper living, I'll grow my own vegetables, raise my own chicken and cow for egg and milk.

I'll make contacts with my neighbors for sure, I'll still shop for some things in the nearest traditional market or supermarket (which one comes first), I'll still be going to the big city, when it's really really necessary.

My friends will be the humble yet smart and non-fussy ladies, whatever their job is. We'll talk about our kids, family, jobs, vegetables, flowers, recipes, cows and chickens. We live with love, we don't have enemies, we left our front door open most of the days.

My kids will be raised by me (and my husband, of course..) and taught by Mother Nature. Nature is their playground, and they don't watch TV more than an hour a day.

What a beautiful place to live in, what a happy and fulfilling life it'd be..

As simple as I am

As simple as how I prefer listening to talking
As simple as how I prefer asking questions than being asked
As simple as how I prefer observing than getting involved in actions

I love learning.
Being in the position of a ‘senior’ and having ‘juniors’ asking me question always making me feel awkward.

I’ve always wanted to be the ‘junior’ and have the privilege to make mistakes and asking questions and tries something new and always feels stupid.

To always feel stupid is a privilege.

Because that way you’d always hungry and never feel content.
That way you’d always try to learn and learn and learn as much as you can but you just can’t.
Because the more you learn, the more stupid and small you’ll feel.
And I really love that feeling.

And as I fell in love (also an apology..)

But to be in love is a different thing.
Only now I feel such a great love and I think I could just die because of it. It hurts me more than anything. It makes tears came rolling down my cheek unstoppable. I kept on crying and crying at the prospect of losing this great love.. Just the thought of it hurts me more than anything..

And this love is so great that it could crush you.

I don’t know what love is just yet. I don’t know if he’s the right guy or not. All I know is that I’m happy just to see him, and I love his smell very very much.

But love doesn’t come easy and obstacles will come every now and then.

I think I’ll never going to stop thinking how sick this city is, and how sick is the people. And I hope I’ll never get used to this sick feeling. To live in a densely populated area of the city, and work in the busiest street in the city. Everyday, I’m inhaling polluted air, bathed in a desperately low quality of water and working in an office full of cockroaches. Thank God I drank only Aqua and sleep in a room that’s.. well.. Hygienic enough for me. Sometimes I really misses the good old days in Bandung, where I can just open the front door, sits at the terrace and watch fireflies dancing around the garden.. It’s so serene and peaceful.

I feel disgustingly polluted.

One afternoon, I went home from office and ride on my daily transportation, which is the 213 bus. As usual, I didn’t get any seat so I had to stand. I pick a place right behind the driver.

Definitely a perfect place to observe actually how mad and stress-proof this driver is.

And I’m not disappointed at all. The bus traveled from Sudirman to Slipi in 75 minutes. 70 minutes to get out of the traffic hell along Sudirman, and only 5 minutes from the end of Sudirman to Slipi. Unfortunately I don’t have the record on it’s travel length, so for you ppl who aren’t familiar with Sudirman or Slipi could actually imagine how utterly twisted that fact is. So, back to the story. The driver carefully (and smoothly) inched his bus at the distant of 5 centimeters away from the bus in front of him. And it’s always like that each time he gets close to another public transportation, besides taxi, of course. And when we reached the end of Sudirman, where there are quite a length of cars lining for a turn, and our great hero just smoothed his way along those cars, right up to the turning point, and easily squeezed his 3m x 8m vehicle into the super tight queue line, and voila! We’re finally free from that traffic hell!

I almost jumped with joy to see how that driver smoothly maneuvered his 3m x 8m vehicle into this very tight queue line, leaving his mark which is a massive solid dark smoke to other people.

And so, what do we learn from this? We learn, that bus drivers, however mad, crazy, irresponsible and twisted they are, they really a twisted professionals.

It's always PMS who gets all the blame for our mental turmoil. But it is, or it is not? Hell, I just don't really care.

I'm feeling terribly sad today, for no reason at all, and for all the reasons in the world.
Everything went pretty well, and everything's gone wrong. I don't know what I'm feeling all I want to do is cry.. (this is not meant for a song lyric!!)

I don't know what I want to do..

Listening to her songs makes me feel like standing alone in the middle of a misty forest and just enjoying the breeze and the voices of nature surrounds me.. Too bad I only got two of her songs, because I left all my precious mp3 collection in Surabaya.

Going to take a stroll to Glodok today (as if it's a park or something beautiful like that..) and I'll try to find her records.

Just got a birthday present from my boyfriend, and thank goodness he got it right this time.. Only right because I chose it myself. But hey, I can’t complain because in Mars, that’s simply the BEST they can do.

And speaking of boyfriends, well, after reading my previous writings, I feel a little bit guilty.. Especially when I get to the 2006 resolution part. Honestly, I just don’t know. Probably love has its own ups and downs just like faith does. And my highest point --which resulted with this guilty feeling-- is right about now, when I’m wearing his gift. Heck, probably I’m just not a slut material.. Basically I’m easily bribed and touched.

Anyways, thank you my darling…. ;))))

As it has come across my mind.. Singledom is happening. Everywhere. I know, it’s been like this for quite sometime. I’ve heard it, and talked abt it so very often, but still.. I’ve never realized that it IS happening. Not until my 25th birthday or somewhere on the way to it. There are TOO may single, beautiful, smart and successful young ladies running around the city, and yet there are no sign of existence from any single, eligible, smart and successful young men around.. What is this all about anyway???

I’ve come up with several scenarios, which is :
Girls, you’re simple TOO picky !! Remember, we don’t stay young forever, the wheel’s turning and time’s running out.
There are no sign of their existence because they simply don’t exist (around us single female at abt the age of 25-ish, especially MY crowd)
All we have around is nice, smart, successful young and MARRIED male. And MEANWHILE, the eligible single males are too busy looking about the garden and don’t have even the smallest intention to pick pne flower and keep it forever. If you can have them all in one garden, why should you keep only one?? They’ll grow old and die eventually (yeah right, and you don’t??)
They’re stupidly became afraid of our aura of power and success-ness and smart-(ass) ness. Gee.. They ARE stupid..
The eligible single males are more interested in their career, or playing around with younger, less married-able girls.

So what can we do about these scenarios?

There are two options, that is :

Go find yourself a widower
Go find yourself a young, eligible, single, mother-complex male

This is, of course, pathetic, considering how smart and beautiful and successful we are. Am I exaggerating things or what..?? But I don’t think so. There’s always time and space for pre-cautiousness. And going through the second half phase of the twenties is hard you know. Especially when you’re depressive and all of your girlfriends are married. But even when they’re all single, you’ll be equally pathetic. And that’s about one of the difficulties of living in this second phase.

And speaking of the twenties, let me tell you something you might find useful.

At the first phase (which is around 20-25), you’re at the top of the world. You think you have all the young, single, smart, eligible males under your feet, begging for a little piece of love and affection. But time flies, and if you don’t pick one right away, or try to make the best out of it, you’ll get some difficulties in getting through the second phase. And most unfortunately, the rest of the other phases. So I suggest you girls to emphasize your best effort on this first phase of the twenties.
And so, as for me, being at the beginning of my second phase and not single, I miss the old feeling of longing and waiting for my prince charming. I know this is too much for a girl at my age, but I really do miss those feelings. I want to find someone that feels oh so right from the very beginning. I want someone I adore with all my heart and soul. I want someone who adores me even more (YAY!!). I want someone that can make my heart melt and start singing. I want butterflies in my tummies. I want someone I can connect to, heart-brain-soul-genitals. I wanted to find and meet and be with my perfect man. The man I love, and may not be perfect for others but he’s everything to me. And me to him.

And all of those has brought me to the end part of this doodles. Out of mind thoughts, materials I typed too fast while I’m high on OBH Combi at 1:18 PM, feeling so very sleepy and wanted to lay my head at the pillow but my fingers just won’t let me do it because my brain still have something to say and write. And my ears just caught this really beautiful tunes that just remind me of my good old days from the first phase (of the twenties, surely).

Eventually, for the great ending of this madness and delusional writings, I’ve two resolutions for 2006. First, that is to find me self a new boyfriend (or some part time boyfriend, I don’t care) other than my present ones. Secondly, is to start writing another.