A place where I can live, breathe, talk and see

I met Surya Paloh today. He's checking out my design in a hair salon, on his gym session break, for a mere minute, shook my hand, tell me it's great, and walked away. Just like that.

After hours of preparations, several commuting routes from the supplier, an hour plus of waiting, and heaps of documents to carry along. Not that I'm complaining, but it's just.. Too much.

Anyway, it's the first time I talked to a celebrity. Not just the usual your everyday infotainment celebrities, but someone of high power and wealth. But then, he's still rank pretty low amongst other rich Indonesians.

Which got me thinking.. Me, who never gets anxious into being at proximity with someone famous, finally gets anxious! :)) So I'm not entirely immune to celebrity-dom after all...

Did you know how people who thought they are at a higher social & economic level than others tends to take others for granted? This act has been done by my boss, just to show (supposedly) me that he's better than me. Well, in age and wealth, that's definitely. He's a good a lot older and richer. And for some people, that kind of act may cause them to give more respect, but not me. I found that act ridiculous. And I've never pay respect for someone who wouldn't respect others.

No, the title isn't some figure of speech. The title clearly telling you that I am dreaming about Soeharto, last night. It's a weird dream, and I woke up instantly, because of the heat and the mosquito bites, of course.

After all it's not a bad dream, definitely not a nightmare, just a weird dream. Why would on earth I dreamt of Soeharto? I could've just dreamt of my late Grandmother, it's far better, and I miss her too.

In my dream, I was his grand daughter. He's sitting on a bench wearing black shirt, and I asked him how is he doing? He looked healthy and younger than he is now, and he told me he's fine. That's all I can remember. But maybe that's all. No more, no less.

Anyway, I looked up at dreamdoctor, and I checked on the dictionary under C, for Celebrity. Yep, Soeharto is a celebrity of his kind, whatever that is. And it said that it's a sign, that I'm going to be elevated into a celebrity level. Or a higher level than I am now. Woww.. I never even thought of it.. It sounds like a good idea though. Let's just hope so, and also hope for the best, that this is going to be a good sign for my new Singapore adventure.. :-D

I feel very weird this last few days.. I feel anxious and weird, and sad and bitter, and insecurity and doubt towards I don't know what..

I guess I'm losing my trust in him, but I don't know why..

I don't know where I went wrong. I don't know does God wants to tell me something, or this is just one of those low days, when I wasn't being myself..

" I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."

Pardon me for not being able to spot this image up to 10 months after the biggest flood in Jakarta.. I'm trying to, with my limited resorces, but I've tried.

And this is the very first publication of the sumur resapan diagrams I've ever seen.

We should have this picture socialized to the whole community months ago!! This image is do damn important, I wonder why people doesn't even care to apply this simple technique to make our world, our city, a better place.

It's the very least thing we can do...

I wanted to be the Wind, I wanted to be the Sun, I'll run recklessly chasing whatever dreams I got in my life.. I wanted to run up to the top of Everest and shouted to the whole world that I am capable of EVERYTHING.. And I'll be able to do whatever my heart told me, whenever I like.. No pretenses, no fake smiles, no blackened heart. I wanted to be free of everything, I wanted to be free of pain, of misery, of all the bad thought and bad things that poisoned the World. I wanted to be free, I wanted to be pure, I wanted to be sincere. I want to live in a world where no strategies, no lies, no deceit and no hypocrisy.. I wanted to live purely and innocently, in a pure world, with selfless people, kind and considerate as they'd always be..

Suddenly I feel tired of all this. Sick of having to depend so much on money. So I'd have to be either filthy rich, or so carelessly poor in the depth of rain forest in Kalimantan, dedicating myself to save the environment or try stopping the illegal logging, or just trying to educate the uncivilized tribes there, before they ate my flesh and hung my shrunkened head on a stick outside their village.. :))

I need tranquility, I need stability, I need comfort, and I need a peace of mind. I need to take a stroll up to a hill/ forest/ lake.. And just sit there watching the world spinning around me like there'll be no tomorrow.. And probably there won't be any, but at least I've made my peace.

I wanted to sit by my window, watch the sun goes down, blackened the skies, and just listen to the wind gushing and rain drops, doors banging and a distant human noises..

And I'm free.

I just saw the Golden Compass yesterday, and it's interesting that daemons and their humans can't be separated. Daemons are part of the human soul, and if they are to be separated, it'll drive each other crazy and they'd have to endured an excruciating pain to the level of death.

That's exactly how I feel when I don't see or at least talked to him. If we were living in the Golden Compass parallel world, I think I'm becoming his daemon, or he's becoming mine. This fact I learned yesterday, when I got mad at him over a thing, and I decided to ignore him. But the more I try to ignore & hate him, the more my heart aches. I'm trying to hurt him, but the fact that it hurts me also..

And then once again I pray to God, for God to show me the way, and to separate our hearts if we weren't meant to be, and to holds our hearts together if we're meant to be.. And apparently, later that night, the anger has gone and we're lovers again.. ;-)

The war against carbon gasses emissions has gone to an insane level, I think.

Not long ago I read about scientists has found that paddy (yes, our very own paddy, the one plant that Dewi Sri has given her name for) emits quite a significant number of carbon into the atmosphere, and now the scientists are trying to develop an 'environmental friendly' paddy (gee, the term itself disgusts me.. :-P). Can anyone see the weirdness of those lines? I thought the word 'environmental friendly' is only for those things that aren't existed naturally in nature. But PADDY??!?!?! Hmm, well, apparently not.. :-P That's 1 forgiven ridiculousness. And I thought, we can forgive this one. After all, if it's worth for the sake of the whole society, then why not?

But then came the 2nd news that changes my opinion almost entirely. Which is, scientists has done research on cows, and it turns out that their farts emits a 'significant' (I don't know what that word actually means anymore..) carbon gasses to the atmosphere; while kangaroo's fart are more 'environmentally friendly' than cows. And now scientists are doing a research to make cows fart like kangaroos. Now how stupid is THAT??

This war against carbon gasses has gone from denial, skeptical, thriving, supportive to obsessed and ridiculous.

Or maybe it is way easier to make a different kind of paddy, or to make cows farts like kangaroos; than banned capitalists & crazy industrial businesses in countries like USA and China?

The climate crisis and it's derivatives (green living, low carbon emission, alternative energy, horrible disasters, etc) are today's hot issues.

In a way, I feel that this is Mother Nature's way to cleanse her self. Yes, all those disasters, the melting ice caps, the floods, the wild fires, the bursting volcanoes, the hunger, the elongated dry season, even the victims..

Buddha taught us that everything in this world is connected to each other, forming a perfect balance, the perfect equilibrium. And a positive disturbance at one part of the equilibrium will cause a harsh negative disturbance at the other part. And in our beloved earth, human has caused the equilibrium to shake, stir, twist, fold, skew, and almost torn. To keep this balance calmed, and to keep the equilibrium from torn apart, Mother Nature'd have to do a few things. To make things right. I just hope that the past bad karma we're paying off now isn't too devastating..

I accidentally bumped into Steve Pavlina's website (http://www.stevepavlina.com) and found this article titled 'How to Make Money from Your Blog'. It's a very interesting article, and I just realised that we CAN get money from blogging. Gee.. :-D I'm enlightened!!

And this last few days I'm fully mesmerised by my 'new' findings at the blogging world: Google AdSense!! And I FINNALY knows how to put an extra features (shoutbox, google search, ads, etc2) to my blog. I've been wondering for quite a while for that.. I'm never an internet tech junkie, you know..

Now I'm reading a material on how to promote my website, which could be a little difficult. Few tips from Steve Pavlina are to create valuable, original & timeless content. Things that my blog aren't. This could be a little tricky..

Anyway, just wish me goodluck, okay? :-D As my revenue (hopefully) grows I'll keep it posted in the blog. And don't forget to keep on clicking!! *big grin*

Many more interesting thing I read from his blog is this :
"While many entrepreneurs pursue money for the purpose of becoming wealthy, I choose a different route. I sought to earn money for the purpose of increasing my freedom."
and..
"Since the income generation is largely on autopilot, I can focus my time and energy on creating content instead of on doing marketing or trying to sell something."

This is so 100% true!! THIS is the term I've been looking for each time I talked about money and ambition with my friends. My friends took me as ambitious, but I feel more like needing more money to have more freedom in doing things I love. And having an income generation on autopilot, I've always wanted that. Not because I'm lazy, but mainly for me to have more time focusing on things that I like most (that can generates a whole lot of money, of course..)

And another good one is this :
"The funny thing is that the less I rely on money, the more of it I seem to have "
The above sentence might have something to do with the Secret. And again, it's 100% true.

And so, again, wish me all the best in venturing this new world of internet blog money-digging, and hope to see you again in the next post talking about my outstanding revenues ;-)

This morning a read a post at BLDGBLOG, and it's simply terrifying. It discusses the images by artists Pedro Armeste & Mario Gomez for this new new project by Greenpeace. It's images of how the earth landscape will be affected by global warming.

The pics are before and after pics; showing rising sea levels, aerial views of flooded cities with helpless skyscrapers, dry rivers, dry cropfields, and things like that. I've seen images like that before, but seeing it all over again, and reading the naration (please read the complete post on : http://www.bldgblog.blogspot.com/2007/11/climate-change-escapism.html) makes me think again about the world, life, and what really matters in our short, helpless life..

We're small, we're nothing, so why there are egomaniacs in this world with their politics and so-called power, who thinks they can play God? What will they do if all their money, politics and power are helpless against the forces of nature?

Definitely a good read. Thanks BLDGBLOG for sharing! :D

This isn't a political insight whatsoever, this is merely my thoughts. A thought that never seems to be out of my head and so I've share and post it on this blog. It's concerning this one sentence from Hamengku Buwono X on one of Andy Noya's interview session at Kick Andy that said (more or less.. *wink* ), "I don't want to run myself for President. If the people of Indonesia needs me, they'll come for me".

To me, it clarifies the whole 'satrio piningit' term (english: the undisclosed warrior). A real warrior never claimed itself as warrior. This is part of Javanese wisdom which (unfortunately) in this modern capitalist days are considered as the Javanese's lack of competitiveness, which kept us dumb, stupid and underestimated by others...

Oh well.. Anyway, I'm a Javanese too. Altough I'm considered uncompetitive, and always underestimated by others, I'm still proud to be a Javanese. *grin*

I just recently watch the Sultan Hamengku Bowono X interview with Andy Noya in Metro TV. It's a very inspiring and open minded interview.

He said that the world now is measured only by materialistic figures, and not by its humanity and religiousity, as it's supposed to be anymore. It hits me, because that's exactly how I felt. It's been on my mind for a while, and until now, I feel like something has gone wrong with me.

Is it just me? Or the world has gone totally crazy? I don't know what's wrong and what's right anymore, and I just don't know the words to express it.

Even my parents-- in relation with their obsession to see me working for PU-- I felt their dissapointment for me. To me, within their dissapointment I feel like they see me as a failed being, just because I couldn't make as much money as my cousin (who worked for PU, of course..) I felt bad about my parent's dissapointment, and I'm sad because they can only see me from that 1 point of view. Although I couldn't make as much money as my cousin, I'm still a good person like they've grown me to be. I'm honest, I'm smart, I've a good sense of design, I'm not corrupt, I'm happy, I care a great deal about the environment.. I'm a responsible citizen, and I am a good and happy person no matter how much money I can make. Can they just understands it? They still think that people without money is crippled in this society. No matter how good, how smart, how religious, how honest they are. And that kind of point of view just upsets me.

I hate the feeling they give me, I don't know, probably they'd feel it as their own failure or mine. But still a failure nevertheless. And I feel guilty for it. And I know I shouldn't! And they shouldn't also. It's just this materialistic and capitalistic ways of life has driven us all crazy, and forgetting the true meaning of why we're here. And what we're supposed to do in this world.

And in relation with the Sultan's interview, I'm touched with his honesty, his wisdom and his (trying to be) purity. He's fully aware of what his birth-right and lifetime super political power has brought him, and he knows exactly how to use it, wisely. That is to serve the community. It's very simple and I've heard it like a thousand times, but not until now did I realise how difficult that is. I think that the Sultan is raised to think of himself a servant for the community. To think that as a person with high position and super political power, he must be strong and selfless. Like a cup, to be fully functioned, it must be emptied first. Then he can be fully useful for others. That's just simply magnificent, and I hope that if everybody with power in this country can think like that, then Indonesia will have high hopes to be one of the leading superpowers of the world.

All the glitter and glam from working for the Government (PNS) has seduced almost 6million Indonesian people with bachelor degree into applying for any position available. Not to mention the ones with no degree-- they have to find a way to somehow, managed to get the bachelor diploma, whatever it takes. Money will make sure that hard work won't have anything to do with it.

I wanted a good life, I wanted to have loads, even tonnes of money, but I want to earn it the right way. At least for me. My Dad is a PNS, and I'm grateful for his love, for everything he has done for me, and I know he's a very good father, a wonderful person, and never a corruptor. It's just when you're working for the Government, it'll be dead hard to avoid receiving such money. It's inevitable.

I'll choose to carve my own path and leaving the easy road. May God be my guide along the way.. :-)

Money, that is. The very thing that makes the world go round. I hate how we're becoming so dependant to it; and how we've given up our morals, our personal pleasure, our dreams and hope for happiness, just in pursue of money. And I hate how even I, are thinking that I'll be very happy if I can get certain amount of money. A part of me are damn well know that happiness comes from within, not outside. And money won't make me happy.

I wanted to live my life the way I want it, fulfilling my passion, doing only things that makes me happy, be with the ones I love and loves me.. But somehow money holds them back from me.. :-(

Now I can proudly announce that I've heard the wedding bells.. ;-) the sound's still considered far, but closer than anything I've ever heard from this past 3 years :-D

I feel closer to him than ever, and knowing that he'd be a good and responsible husband has made me feel safe. I think I love him. It must be love. If not, what is? :-P I still have my dreams, and his support for my dreams has made me love him even more. I really really think I love him. Or I think I really really love him.. :-D

The only problem left is money. He feel he doesn't have enough money to show my parents so that he can take my hand in marriage and give me the 'proper' life, as they'd expect. I wanted to help. Oh God I honestly do. But what can I do? We can use up all of our money on house, car and a romantic honeymoon. That's all I want. But tradition told us to waste all of our savings on a silly celebration.. :-( What will happen if I told my parents that all I wanted is a simple akad nikah, a romantic honeymoon; a house and a car? :-D

Veeeery tempting...

First of all, I want to thank Allah for making me write again. it's been too long and now I feel very much relieved and.. Honestly it feels so much like home. So relaxing and peaceful. :-D But that's not what I wanted to talk about.

I wanted to talk abt this conversation I had with Andy, while we're discussing a possibility for him to work in Kalimantan. I told him I'd love to go with him, and just find another work there. And he responded, 'So you'll throw away your career in Jakarta?'. And I instantly laughed and said, 'What career? I don't have any career in Jakarta!'.

And here I am, re-playing that conversation in my head and think, damn.. I REALLY don't have any career in Jakarta.. :-P It struck me, because, well, I get paid pretty well, but for my talents, for what I can do, but it doesn't promise me any career advancement, yet. Not in this company I currently work for. So anyway, to get on with my so-called 'career', I need to get out of this useless company I am now and find another place to work.

I know I've been having this pattern since I graduated from university, and it doesn't give me any advantages besides being a real generalist instead of a specialist. And when I told Andy I wanted a career change, he's sort of freaked out.. :-))

Of course I wouldn't actually do that.. I'm not that reckless and naive, no matter how much I wanted to :-D

Maybe I just enjoy the creative world too much..

Anyway, now, honestly, I feel lost. I wanted to go to Singapore; I wanted to find a new job; I wanted to move to another city; my parents wants me to work for PU; I wanted to live peacefully in Jogja and learn how to make batik; I wanted to learn to sculpt, shape, cut, tore, paint, and just create and think with my hands; I wanted to be a successful and rich freelancer; I wanted to be a travel writer; I wanted to open my own store; I wanted to get married and have wonderful babies; I wanted to be a successful career woman but will always have time for family..

I just hope and pray to God that He will guide me to the best path.

:ameen..:

Is this just PMS or do I really feel that he's gone weird? Really weird.. Little thing that adds up and grew big into something that really annoys me.. Into something I couldn't ignore anymore. This feeling has flooded inside me and ate me alive. Again, blackened my heart.

I wanted to live a good life, with many true friends and people who actually cares, loves, and doesn't hate. I don't want to be corrupted by hatred nor other maggoty things of soul, I always wanted to see things fairly and clearly without prejudice towards anything. But there's always an exception, and there's this one object who seems to be such a pain is my a**. I felt her like a needle under the skin, I feel her negativity and hatred for me so big and I've to respond with almost similar resistance. But as you grew to know me, you should've known that I never does it frontally. I feel her negativity and it makes me very uncomfortable. It makes me sad and it got me thinking.. I've never meant any harm, verbally or implicitly, but I don't know, probably I've said done something that hurts her. Only God knows what. I'll never done anything to hurt others in my simple conscious, because I truly believes in karma. So what I've done to deserves such a hatred? It really got me thinking... *feeling so sad in early morning*