A place where I can live, breathe, talk and see

I've been trying to understand God lately.

What I've read, seen, experienced lately has either confuse me or scared me. And both are not some kind of feeling that I fond of.

It all started with me trying to find God. And I browse through shelves of books on spirituality, from Buddha and Dalai Lama to Mother Theresa and Eckhart Tolle.. But then I ended up with a biography of His last Messenger, Muhammad. Because I thought, if I really wants to find God, I should start with the closest person to God, which is Muhammad. I read Mohammad's biography, and found how life, even Muhammad himself, as the best amongst humans, are vulnerable. And how Muhammad, is guiding his life and path to the real victory by having a strong faith in God, and surrender everything in the Hands of God. And how our judgment, is so short-termed, shallow and stupid, and truly, most humans don't know the REAL good thing when it's standing right before him.

After that, I read this books titled The World Without Us, by Alan Weisman. This book, really is a revelation. It actually is a non-fiction book covering the main theme of what happens to the earth when human beings disappear. But for me, the book manage to covers not only the scientific aspects of what happens to the world after we're gone, but also the human nature and it evokes a deep religious and philosophical thinking. In short, a really good book. :)

Quoting from the book :

"I can't imagine a more appropriate setting." he says, "to describe what amounts to genocide. In my lifetime, millions of people slaughtered in death camps, from Europe's Holocaust to Darfur, are proof of what our species is capable of. My 50-year career has been absorbed by the extraordinary loss of huge animals whose heads don't appear on these walls. They were all exterminated, simply because it can be done. ..."

and, :

The matter is more complicated than a killer instinct that never relents until another species is gone. It involves acquisitive instincts that also can't tell when to stop, until something we never intended to harm is fatally deprived of something it needs. We don't actually have to shoot songbirds to remove them from the sky. Take away enough of their home or sustenance, and they fall dead on their own.

While reading the book, I get too carried away, at some point I even hate humans. :)) And I start thinking about God again, about Angels, and what did they think about humans, and are they ever regret for choosing us as Khalifah's of the World..

And I became really curious, about what God's plan behind all this.. Why God let us humans slaughtered all the magnificent creature that He once created? Why God let us human to keep on doing damage in this world, suffocated His other perfect creation to death, hunt them to extinction, and poison the entire Earth?

If I were God, I'd be very disappointed. I'd be very angry. But I'm not God. And I know that God has the most beautiful plan for all of us.

When I started my search of God, the Economic Crisis has been looming around for a couple of months. And now, as the Great Wall of Capitalism is falling around me, one of it's gracious brick fell right smack into my right foot, not enough to hurt me, but enough to startle and wake me up.

My friends got laid off right in front of me.

I knew that people being laid off, and I knew that the economy is bad, but looks like all of those things are only happening in TV. In my little world, nothing could go wrong, and I could live forever.. :P But this, really got me thinking.

This job, which I consider is pretty good; the one job that once got me thinking about re-assessing my wedding plans; the one job that I could count on; the one job where I can actually see it as my ladder to the peak of my precious career; is nothing but a mirage that can disappear anytime now.

And now I really understand, that life IS vulnerable. And we shouldn't count on anything but God, and only God. Because God can turn one life's around in a single second, and we have no power whatsoever on our lives. That's why, just like Muhammad (PBUH), we should just try our best, and always have faith in God, that God would never neglect us, and will always provide with what's best for us.. :))

And what relates Global Warming with Global Economic Crisis? Very easy. This Global Economic Crisis, I think its God's beautiful way of fixing human's harm to Earth and teach all of us to be a better person. In a hard way.

No economy, no factories, no pollutions, no CO2s.

This is even better than Alan Weisman's extreme solution of exterminating humans from Earth. And my friends, who were being laid off, are all part of God's masterplan to revive Earth to it's glory.

With a lower income than before (or no income at all), humans are trying to adapt by consume less, recycle more, and .. I don't know. Maybe have more time to spend with their families?

It's not that bad after all, right? :)

Today I'm having a powerful encounter with a very unique, unpredictable and strong character. This character, is so unique and unpredictable, it's like nothing I've ever met before. I thought the world is only in black and white, but they do have greys.

This character is so unique, I can't even decide must I like or hate. And I decide to 10% like, and 90% just abstain. But I tend to like this character.

Anyway, this unique, unpredictable, strong character teaches me something really important.

1. Plan your future well. Plan what you want for your career and your life. Don't put your fate in the hands of others. This is a very strong statement, and I do admire this character for being able to really stand up for this principle. But I do want to be strong and firm like this as well. So maybe I'll try.. :)

We talked a lot, and I say to her, that I thought the only way to get a significant salary and position raise is by moving to another company. But this character said that it doesn't have to be like that. You can go up to the extend of going to your boss, and say to them that you need a raise, and here are the lists of things that I've done. And we can also compare ourselves with others at the same level, saying that we've done something better that this significant others and we'd definitely deserve to get something better.

2. Respect and think highly of yourself. Appreciate yourself, and others will do so also.

3. I am a valuable professional, and a great designer, and I should believe myself on this fact, as others also believe in me. I think this is one of the most flattering things that I've ever heard. This unique character, told me that I should be in a higher position that I have now. Because that's what she thought of me at first, and she felt that I was treated unjustly because I'm in the position that I am now, which should be higher. I already warn you that this character is very strong, and very unpredictable, and these words, coming out of this character, I should say is very flattering and encouraging. I do hope that this character is sincere with this statement, and meant nothing bad.

And anyway, this is the 2nd times that I heard this kind of statement, from an older and experienced and respected souls, so it must meant something right? :) RIGHT! So I must start believing in myself, and things that I can do, and move forward in the speed of light with my life.. :)

The other day I went to see Shigeru Ban's ContainArt at Marina Bay. It's interesting, how he use paper as a building material (he's been using it since 1986, can you imagine that?). And how he use building materials as part of the structure. In this case, he use the container as the wall, the structure and for creating space for the exhibition.

And then I read an article about him on Business Times Saturday. The most interesting part is when he say that building today is not as good as building 500 years ago. And his opinion about technology in architecture, design wise, technology (computer) can only make the design process faster, but not subsequently better.

In his opinion, we can create better architecture if only we spend a little more time designing, and a little more time building it.

:)

I miss my Grandmother so much lately.

I thought about her a lot.
And I thought about death.
And I thought about why I didn't try my best to come right on the day she's buried..

The truth is, ..

I'm scared. Scared that I won't be able to control myself, and just losing my self in a scary hole of hollowness. And hysterics. :(

And I want my last memory of my Grandmother is still her beautiful, healthy self. In fact, my last memory of her is not in a good condition, because she's terribly ill at that time. But at least she's alive at that time. And she's still be able to recognize me. And that's a good memory. And I want to keep it that way.

I bought her a perfume at that time. An expensive perfume that I know she'd love. She loves perfumes. And she get to smell it at that time.

I know it's a stupid gift. She's very ill. Apparently, dying. :( And I get her a perfume.

Oh God I miss her so much.. :((

The reason that I brought this topic up, is because I might not be able to visit her grave on Hari Raya. But I really wanted to.

What kind of granddaughter I am if I couldn't even visit her a year after her death? I really really want to visit her. Because I miss her so... much.. :((

I miss her much more now, than back then when she's still alive.. Maybe because right now, I know that I wouldn't be able to see her again.. :(

I want people to remember her. If not to know her, at least to know, that there once lived a wonderful woman named Sumarni. Although she might be just a little useless microscopic dot for the world, but I want the world to know, that I really really really love that microscopic dot. And to me, she means everything. To me, she's never a useless microscopic dot. She'll always be my star. She's my biggest star. Sometimes so close, sometimes so far, but nevertheless, always with me. Sometimes unreachable, but always reliable. I know she'll always be there, to watch over me, and love me.

Last week I'm back in Jakarta for a few days, and just realise that life in Jakarta, is an encapsulated life.

An encapsulated life, which put a distance between us and our Mother of Nature. Within these capsules, we're no longer touching the grounds, we're no longer caressing our Mother's womb, because some would consider it dirty. Within these capsules, we're no longer taking a deep breath and inhale the whole essence of life in the air, because, of course, it's highly polluted. Within these capsules, we're no longer touching the waters and drank joyfully from every other stream of water in sight. We can't do that, because, of course, it's contaminated with thousands of dangerous germs and chemicals.

We still can live "deliberately, to face only the essential fact of life" (as Thoreau once said) if you insist. As in, not living within the capsules. But I believe that you wouldn't live a long life. Simple as that.

The encapsulated life in Jakarta can be seen in many ways.

One of these capsules are cars. We were transported around the city within these. To make us move faster, to get us to places. Within these capsules we can create the environment we like. We do not interact with the ground, we do not interact with the air, nor the water, and we live happily inside our capsule. And life is good. For those living within. And for a short while.

Do you know how does it feel to walk alongside those capsules? Have you ever feel the hot air? The carbon dusts?

There's a balance for everything. And for the encapsulated joy that some people feel within, some would have to suffer the residue. The consequences.

And now, we are paying the consequences of capitalism. For the sins of the 1% which controls the 99% of the world.

Lately, people tend to ask me this question. I don't know why. Maybe because lately I develop this annoying habit of laughing at the wrong time.

But I just can't help it.

So now I'm trying to control this annoying habit, and really, think, before I type "hahaha" on yahoo messenger.

I thought I was doing pretty well until just now, my boyfriend ask me the question. "Why do you laugh?". Darn.

He called me, rather upset I think, after I text him that my plane will be delayed for 3 hrs, after before it called to change the flight time to 1.5 hour earlier.

I really don't know what to do. Because being angry never gives me good result, it doesn't give me the things I want anyway, so why bother? And my boyfriend ask me (with an upset tone), "So are the other passenger angry?". And there, I laugh. I laugh because I feel the irony. It actually is funny, in an ironic way. That these honorable passenger, the life and blood of this fucking airline (Mandala Air of Indonesia) are all being treated like shit, with an everchanging flight schedule, without even bother to inform the passenger with a proper sympathy or guilt or a real effort to make things better.

And even worse, none of these honorable passenger even give a proper reaction of anger. Including me, hahaha (this is an irony laugh). I think they're tired. I know I am. It would be like trying to tell a sheep to shave their own fur. It would be like trying to ask a stone to jump. Anyway, you know what I mean.

Even after the terrible plane crash accident in Manado, this fucking Mandala Airline of Indonesia doesn't even flinch to improve themselves. So, my honorable readers, this is the rotten fact of a rotten quality service of a rotten airline in Indonesia.

Last night I dreamt of my late Grandmother. Oh how I miss her.. :( She was amputated on both leg, but now she can stand up, and look much thinner and happier. Only shorter, which is okay, as long as she's happy and healthy. I hope she found health and happiness back there in the other realm, and I wish to Allah and the angels that may my Grandmother's fault are forgiven, and for Allah to take good care of her.. :)

Now back to my dream. She was laying down on her bed at first, with crumpled face. But then she receive a call, informing that my big brother had an accident, so she jumped to life instantly and get dressed.

Maybe I just miss her too much. Hope its not bad omen or something..

It's been almost 6 months since I've been living here. And I kinda liked it here. I may not have my family and boyfriend w/ me, but I always talked to him via messenger, and he come to visit me and I called him often. As for my family, they also visit me.. As for friends, I make new friends, meet new people, and always in touch w/ my friends through messenger also. In short, I'm happy enough w/ this arrangement.

And here, now, I feel like I'm changing. Turning into a better person, hopefully.

I feel like, I've become more sensitive to life's beauties. I've become more in touch w/ my inner self, more contemplative, mentally nourished and fulfilled.

I do still have my own problem at work, but who doesn't? There's no such thing as the perfect life, but its up to you to make it perfect for you.

In here, I don't feel so clueless and marginalized as in Jakarta. In here I learn a lot. I read, I listen to classical music, I went to museums, I watch art performances, and with all those I relaxed, and feel nourished.

In Jakarta I don't have an easy access to all those. My life rotates around work, going to the mall, and I have very limited access to information, and going places will be hell, or expensive, or both.

In short, like a plant, this city is like a well treated and fertilized soil which will allows me to grew big and bloom w/ lots of beautiful flowers and delicious fruits and lush leaves.

And I want to live here.

A dear friend has left us today. She decided to went back to her hometown, to re-live her dreams back there, and letting go of the so-called international career here. It's her own free choice.

I've been quite close to her. Having went out with her almost every weekends for the past 5 months. She's a good company, and very generous. And one thing I've learn from her, is to never under estimate others, and to always be humble.

She has a senior position in the office. But she never looked down at me, which obviously her junior, several ranks away from her. She always looked and talked to me as someone within her rank, and she makes me feel like I am very well appreciated. For my talents, for my intellectual quality, and for me as a human being.

And I like that feeling. It's very difficult to find a senior like that you know.

I feel like she believes in me, sometimes more that I can believe myself. She always told me that I'll reach her position one day, and that's why I need to prepare myself for that time since now. I was surprised. I never thought that a person like her can say such things to me.

She's truly is a dear friend. And the most important thing is, she believes in me. That's why I'm writing this as a little reminder to myself.

For me, not to forget that I should grew and learn to always be humble and kind, no matter high my position will be.
And secondly, as a reminder, that there's someone who actually believes in me, believe that I can do so many things, and that's why there's no reason that I shouldn't believe in what I can do. Because I CAN. :)

Thank you dear friend.

It's been a short 5 months, but it's been a great 5 months. And I believe that in that short 5 months is never a mistake as you might thought it would be, but a beautiful coincidence arranged by God, for me to learn these beautiful things from you, to meet such a lovely person as you, and for you, to know me, whatever it means to you.

:|

This whole morning I was thinking.. What would be the worst punishment ever given to a passionate designer..?

The answer is, to not to let them design. That is their worst nightmare.

It's like, asking a fish to breathe on air.

And that's exactly what I'm feeling. This morning. I feel like a fish taken out of the water and trying to breathe air. I can't. I can't. I'm desperate. I feel so down and low I'm going to cry. For once I'm so low I doubted myself.

But then, at the afternoon, my luck changed :). And I'm so glad of it.

The only thing that feels right is design. And you feel that you're truly at your elements when you design things. But then, there will be people telling you that you're not good enough.

But how can it be?

While the love and passion for design is still burning like hell's fire, how can the design be not good?

Well there are many many reason. Maybe you're just unlucky. Maybe you're still lacking of experience, but the talent is there. So you'd just have to practice more. Read more. See more.

But the most important thing is, try again. You can't stop everytime there's people telling you you can't, because then, you'll gone nowhere.

You go and do whatever your heart leads you. Ignore negativities, for it will poison and rot you slowly.

Fight for your love. Fight for what you love. Fight for you beliefs. :)

A few days ago I show my online portfolio to a friend. And he saw my little flickr photos slide show attached, at the top right corner.

xx : Are you into photography now?
me : ...
me : Nope. I just love capturing precious moments
xx : wow, your photos are very colorful
me : yeah, well that's how I see the world

This short conversation shows that :

1. I'm afraid of the word photography. Strange as it may seem, but in my head, that word correlates with highly expensive gadgets and whatever special techniques and buttons to press and knobs to turn which obviously I don't have any interest to buy or study. So, no, I'm not into photography. I just love capturing the moments, precious moments, my precious moments. And with my handy dandy pocket camera, I'm trying my best to freeze those moments the way I see it, and put it in my treasure box. And with the fact that I'm a sucker for composition, beauty, colors and photoshop, it makes my pictures has a few nice compositions and angles and colors and whatever. But no techniques, obviously.

2. I definitely love colors. :)) You can see it right away from my streams of pictures. That's why I became so fascinated by Bangkok. It's a damn colorful city and I'm loving every corner of it.

And today, I once again brought my faithful hand dandy pocket camera to the Waterfools show. A French water acrobatic show at Boat Quay, as an opening to the Singapore Art Festival for the whole month. I brought my camera, to capture the moments. The show starts at 8. It was a fascinating show and I enjoy it very very much. Then I took my camera and starts clicking away to capture the moments. But none of the clicks came out good. Maybe because of the lack of light and tripod. :( And then I thought why don't I just record the show on video? So then, I finally am capturing the moments, in videos. Which I think is a better media to capture the moments than photos, as you can see all the movements, and even listen to the music and fireworks play.

But you know what, none of the recording tools can really capture the essence of the show, with all its beauties. Nothing. Honestly!

What we capture on videos, and what we've seen on tv, is only 10% of the actual excitement and beauty. I just realize that fact when I replay the videos and comparing it with the memory of the show in my mind.

It's nothing compared to the real thing.

And on the contrary, a good photographs, can capture the moments really well. Sometimes even better than the actual condition. Which explains how often are we get fooled by jaw-dropping pictures of tourist destinations.

This topic has lingered my mind for quite a while, and I still haven't got the hold of the entire topic, but I thought I'll just blurt it out here. Just so you know. :P

As in the Secret has always said, don't underestimate the power of your mind. Visualize, and make yourself believe that you deserve whatever thing that you want. Be happy about it, and visualize, and you'll attract those things to come to you.

Well, then, explain this.

How can one who has a strong feeling for somebody else (I'm talking about love here) for quite a while, somehow fail to attract the object of one's affection? If our visualization and belief is so strong, the why we have unrequited love and obsession in this world?

* referring to my own experience of unrequited love and crazy infatuation * :D why?

In a book I read, the heroine said (more less), that we can never go wrong with a good book. We can be lost or lonely in foreign places, but with a good book to accompany us we'll always feel.. secure. I couldn't agree more with that. That's so true. And I also think that's why I always feel so happy and secure once I bought books I like.

Now it's getting worse, since I've known this very cool 2nd hand bookshop place which is full of all the titles I like at a very good price. Now it's like an addiction. I have my own rules that I won't buy another book if I haven't finish the one I'm reading right now, unless it's a very very good bargain, or something that has something to do with work or other life's emergencies.

But now, I bought new books once a week, especially when it's the weekend and I've no idea what to do. Once every 2 weeks if I've something else to keep me occupied. But books has always been my last resort. My best friend. Well, a best friend I can get comfort from(by reading it, of course) whenever I wanted and I don't have to give/ do something in return. Maybe books are the best invention for a selfish brat like me. Other than dildos, of course. But then again, I never had nor experience one (yet!), so books has always been on top of my list.

I just realised how much I hate airports.

Maybe I'm just being sentimental, but that's what I feel right now. Taking my baby brother to the airport, and having to say goodbye, it's just the hardest thing. I hate goodbyes, and basically I hate all the places where we should experience it. Especially with those close to our hearts. I always have this lonely, sulky, sinking feeling each time I leave those venues, more often are airports.

And with all those many shopping places, restaurants, executive lounges, are they supposed to make our goodbyes easier? It sure isn't working for me. The designer of these airports should've come up with better ideas you know. They should've known that none of these material things matters when we're separated with those close to our hearts. Maybe instead of more retail spaces, there should be more free world-wide payphones, mosques/ chapels or meditation spaces, or maybe if they really can't do anything to lessen the pain of goodbyes, at the very least they should've made the fastest getaway path out of the building, instead of making me walk through the long, out of proportioned and empty hallways, taking a few minutes sky train rides, went up and down the long escalator.. Instead they should've made a magical glass elevator like Willy Wonka's, that can transport me anywhere in a zap.

Oh well..

This last few weeks I had the craziest infatuation.

I'm about to be married in a year (or less), but here I am, lusting and blushing and get all flipped out over this person I never even talked to! Well, that's if the interview session isn't counted.. It's shameful, I know that. I cannot even talked about it to my friends, so I just let it out here.

The most embarrassing moment is today, at lunch. When we're having lunch with all the Indonesians, then I caught a glimpse of him. And then I pretend not to look at him, while my heart is doing a trapeze dance. And then my friends says hi to him, so I had to look at him and smile. And he smiles back.



...

...



And there.


My face's burning.


My heart stopped beating for a second.


And I couldn't breathe..


:DD *LOL* *sigh*




Jeez, it's been too long since the last time I had this crazy infatuations. The last I can remember is with Boni :D My first is with my brother's friend, the 2nd is also, the 3rd is with this guy at high school, and Boni, and now, 4 years later, HIM.

Oh I'm so ashamed!!!! :(((( My reactions are stupid and crazy, and yet I couldn't helped it! Maybe it's because I've been away from my boyfriend for far too long..?

It's fun, just not to get bored at the office, but I think I get over reacted, and my reaction is very embarrassing.. :(( I feel like a stupid lovesick puppy..

I need to get over this crazy infatuation, although I kind of liked the feeling :D Ah, the desperate girl.. So I searched on Google for his name, but the result is too many.. :P and I just don't have the heart to go browse one by one.

Anyway, I'll be back to update on this. Especially on his availability. :P

I met Surya Paloh today. He's checking out my design in a hair salon, on his gym session break, for a mere minute, shook my hand, tell me it's great, and walked away. Just like that.

After hours of preparations, several commuting routes from the supplier, an hour plus of waiting, and heaps of documents to carry along. Not that I'm complaining, but it's just.. Too much.

Anyway, it's the first time I talked to a celebrity. Not just the usual your everyday infotainment celebrities, but someone of high power and wealth. But then, he's still rank pretty low amongst other rich Indonesians.

Which got me thinking.. Me, who never gets anxious into being at proximity with someone famous, finally gets anxious! :)) So I'm not entirely immune to celebrity-dom after all...

Did you know how people who thought they are at a higher social & economic level than others tends to take others for granted? This act has been done by my boss, just to show (supposedly) me that he's better than me. Well, in age and wealth, that's definitely. He's a good a lot older and richer. And for some people, that kind of act may cause them to give more respect, but not me. I found that act ridiculous. And I've never pay respect for someone who wouldn't respect others.

No, the title isn't some figure of speech. The title clearly telling you that I am dreaming about Soeharto, last night. It's a weird dream, and I woke up instantly, because of the heat and the mosquito bites, of course.

After all it's not a bad dream, definitely not a nightmare, just a weird dream. Why would on earth I dreamt of Soeharto? I could've just dreamt of my late Grandmother, it's far better, and I miss her too.

In my dream, I was his grand daughter. He's sitting on a bench wearing black shirt, and I asked him how is he doing? He looked healthy and younger than he is now, and he told me he's fine. That's all I can remember. But maybe that's all. No more, no less.

Anyway, I looked up at dreamdoctor, and I checked on the dictionary under C, for Celebrity. Yep, Soeharto is a celebrity of his kind, whatever that is. And it said that it's a sign, that I'm going to be elevated into a celebrity level. Or a higher level than I am now. Woww.. I never even thought of it.. It sounds like a good idea though. Let's just hope so, and also hope for the best, that this is going to be a good sign for my new Singapore adventure.. :-D

I feel very weird this last few days.. I feel anxious and weird, and sad and bitter, and insecurity and doubt towards I don't know what..

I guess I'm losing my trust in him, but I don't know why..

I don't know where I went wrong. I don't know does God wants to tell me something, or this is just one of those low days, when I wasn't being myself..

" I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."

Pardon me for not being able to spot this image up to 10 months after the biggest flood in Jakarta.. I'm trying to, with my limited resorces, but I've tried.

And this is the very first publication of the sumur resapan diagrams I've ever seen.

We should have this picture socialized to the whole community months ago!! This image is do damn important, I wonder why people doesn't even care to apply this simple technique to make our world, our city, a better place.

It's the very least thing we can do...

I wanted to be the Wind, I wanted to be the Sun, I'll run recklessly chasing whatever dreams I got in my life.. I wanted to run up to the top of Everest and shouted to the whole world that I am capable of EVERYTHING.. And I'll be able to do whatever my heart told me, whenever I like.. No pretenses, no fake smiles, no blackened heart. I wanted to be free of everything, I wanted to be free of pain, of misery, of all the bad thought and bad things that poisoned the World. I wanted to be free, I wanted to be pure, I wanted to be sincere. I want to live in a world where no strategies, no lies, no deceit and no hypocrisy.. I wanted to live purely and innocently, in a pure world, with selfless people, kind and considerate as they'd always be..

Suddenly I feel tired of all this. Sick of having to depend so much on money. So I'd have to be either filthy rich, or so carelessly poor in the depth of rain forest in Kalimantan, dedicating myself to save the environment or try stopping the illegal logging, or just trying to educate the uncivilized tribes there, before they ate my flesh and hung my shrunkened head on a stick outside their village.. :))

I need tranquility, I need stability, I need comfort, and I need a peace of mind. I need to take a stroll up to a hill/ forest/ lake.. And just sit there watching the world spinning around me like there'll be no tomorrow.. And probably there won't be any, but at least I've made my peace.

I wanted to sit by my window, watch the sun goes down, blackened the skies, and just listen to the wind gushing and rain drops, doors banging and a distant human noises..

And I'm free.

I just saw the Golden Compass yesterday, and it's interesting that daemons and their humans can't be separated. Daemons are part of the human soul, and if they are to be separated, it'll drive each other crazy and they'd have to endured an excruciating pain to the level of death.

That's exactly how I feel when I don't see or at least talked to him. If we were living in the Golden Compass parallel world, I think I'm becoming his daemon, or he's becoming mine. This fact I learned yesterday, when I got mad at him over a thing, and I decided to ignore him. But the more I try to ignore & hate him, the more my heart aches. I'm trying to hurt him, but the fact that it hurts me also..

And then once again I pray to God, for God to show me the way, and to separate our hearts if we weren't meant to be, and to holds our hearts together if we're meant to be.. And apparently, later that night, the anger has gone and we're lovers again.. ;-)

The war against carbon gasses emissions has gone to an insane level, I think.

Not long ago I read about scientists has found that paddy (yes, our very own paddy, the one plant that Dewi Sri has given her name for) emits quite a significant number of carbon into the atmosphere, and now the scientists are trying to develop an 'environmental friendly' paddy (gee, the term itself disgusts me.. :-P). Can anyone see the weirdness of those lines? I thought the word 'environmental friendly' is only for those things that aren't existed naturally in nature. But PADDY??!?!?! Hmm, well, apparently not.. :-P That's 1 forgiven ridiculousness. And I thought, we can forgive this one. After all, if it's worth for the sake of the whole society, then why not?

But then came the 2nd news that changes my opinion almost entirely. Which is, scientists has done research on cows, and it turns out that their farts emits a 'significant' (I don't know what that word actually means anymore..) carbon gasses to the atmosphere; while kangaroo's fart are more 'environmentally friendly' than cows. And now scientists are doing a research to make cows fart like kangaroos. Now how stupid is THAT??

This war against carbon gasses has gone from denial, skeptical, thriving, supportive to obsessed and ridiculous.

Or maybe it is way easier to make a different kind of paddy, or to make cows farts like kangaroos; than banned capitalists & crazy industrial businesses in countries like USA and China?