A place where I can live, breathe, talk and see

I miss my Grandmother so much lately.

I thought about her a lot.
And I thought about death.
And I thought about why I didn't try my best to come right on the day she's buried..

The truth is, ..

I'm scared. Scared that I won't be able to control myself, and just losing my self in a scary hole of hollowness. And hysterics. :(

And I want my last memory of my Grandmother is still her beautiful, healthy self. In fact, my last memory of her is not in a good condition, because she's terribly ill at that time. But at least she's alive at that time. And she's still be able to recognize me. And that's a good memory. And I want to keep it that way.

I bought her a perfume at that time. An expensive perfume that I know she'd love. She loves perfumes. And she get to smell it at that time.

I know it's a stupid gift. She's very ill. Apparently, dying. :( And I get her a perfume.

Oh God I miss her so much.. :((

The reason that I brought this topic up, is because I might not be able to visit her grave on Hari Raya. But I really wanted to.

What kind of granddaughter I am if I couldn't even visit her a year after her death? I really really want to visit her. Because I miss her so... much.. :((

I miss her much more now, than back then when she's still alive.. Maybe because right now, I know that I wouldn't be able to see her again.. :(

I want people to remember her. If not to know her, at least to know, that there once lived a wonderful woman named Sumarni. Although she might be just a little useless microscopic dot for the world, but I want the world to know, that I really really really love that microscopic dot. And to me, she means everything. To me, she's never a useless microscopic dot. She'll always be my star. She's my biggest star. Sometimes so close, sometimes so far, but nevertheless, always with me. Sometimes unreachable, but always reliable. I know she'll always be there, to watch over me, and love me.