A place where I can live, breathe, talk and see

I miss my Grandmother so much lately.

I thought about her a lot.
And I thought about death.
And I thought about why I didn't try my best to come right on the day she's buried..

The truth is, ..

I'm scared. Scared that I won't be able to control myself, and just losing my self in a scary hole of hollowness. And hysterics. :(

And I want my last memory of my Grandmother is still her beautiful, healthy self. In fact, my last memory of her is not in a good condition, because she's terribly ill at that time. But at least she's alive at that time. And she's still be able to recognize me. And that's a good memory. And I want to keep it that way.

I bought her a perfume at that time. An expensive perfume that I know she'd love. She loves perfumes. And she get to smell it at that time.

I know it's a stupid gift. She's very ill. Apparently, dying. :( And I get her a perfume.

Oh God I miss her so much.. :((

The reason that I brought this topic up, is because I might not be able to visit her grave on Hari Raya. But I really wanted to.

What kind of granddaughter I am if I couldn't even visit her a year after her death? I really really want to visit her. Because I miss her so... much.. :((

I miss her much more now, than back then when she's still alive.. Maybe because right now, I know that I wouldn't be able to see her again.. :(

I want people to remember her. If not to know her, at least to know, that there once lived a wonderful woman named Sumarni. Although she might be just a little useless microscopic dot for the world, but I want the world to know, that I really really really love that microscopic dot. And to me, she means everything. To me, she's never a useless microscopic dot. She'll always be my star. She's my biggest star. Sometimes so close, sometimes so far, but nevertheless, always with me. Sometimes unreachable, but always reliable. I know she'll always be there, to watch over me, and love me.

Last week I'm back in Jakarta for a few days, and just realise that life in Jakarta, is an encapsulated life.

An encapsulated life, which put a distance between us and our Mother of Nature. Within these capsules, we're no longer touching the grounds, we're no longer caressing our Mother's womb, because some would consider it dirty. Within these capsules, we're no longer taking a deep breath and inhale the whole essence of life in the air, because, of course, it's highly polluted. Within these capsules, we're no longer touching the waters and drank joyfully from every other stream of water in sight. We can't do that, because, of course, it's contaminated with thousands of dangerous germs and chemicals.

We still can live "deliberately, to face only the essential fact of life" (as Thoreau once said) if you insist. As in, not living within the capsules. But I believe that you wouldn't live a long life. Simple as that.

The encapsulated life in Jakarta can be seen in many ways.

One of these capsules are cars. We were transported around the city within these. To make us move faster, to get us to places. Within these capsules we can create the environment we like. We do not interact with the ground, we do not interact with the air, nor the water, and we live happily inside our capsule. And life is good. For those living within. And for a short while.

Do you know how does it feel to walk alongside those capsules? Have you ever feel the hot air? The carbon dusts?

There's a balance for everything. And for the encapsulated joy that some people feel within, some would have to suffer the residue. The consequences.

And now, we are paying the consequences of capitalism. For the sins of the 1% which controls the 99% of the world.

Lately, people tend to ask me this question. I don't know why. Maybe because lately I develop this annoying habit of laughing at the wrong time.

But I just can't help it.

So now I'm trying to control this annoying habit, and really, think, before I type "hahaha" on yahoo messenger.

I thought I was doing pretty well until just now, my boyfriend ask me the question. "Why do you laugh?". Darn.

He called me, rather upset I think, after I text him that my plane will be delayed for 3 hrs, after before it called to change the flight time to 1.5 hour earlier.

I really don't know what to do. Because being angry never gives me good result, it doesn't give me the things I want anyway, so why bother? And my boyfriend ask me (with an upset tone), "So are the other passenger angry?". And there, I laugh. I laugh because I feel the irony. It actually is funny, in an ironic way. That these honorable passenger, the life and blood of this fucking airline (Mandala Air of Indonesia) are all being treated like shit, with an everchanging flight schedule, without even bother to inform the passenger with a proper sympathy or guilt or a real effort to make things better.

And even worse, none of these honorable passenger even give a proper reaction of anger. Including me, hahaha (this is an irony laugh). I think they're tired. I know I am. It would be like trying to tell a sheep to shave their own fur. It would be like trying to ask a stone to jump. Anyway, you know what I mean.

Even after the terrible plane crash accident in Manado, this fucking Mandala Airline of Indonesia doesn't even flinch to improve themselves. So, my honorable readers, this is the rotten fact of a rotten quality service of a rotten airline in Indonesia.

Last night I dreamt of my late Grandmother. Oh how I miss her.. :( She was amputated on both leg, but now she can stand up, and look much thinner and happier. Only shorter, which is okay, as long as she's happy and healthy. I hope she found health and happiness back there in the other realm, and I wish to Allah and the angels that may my Grandmother's fault are forgiven, and for Allah to take good care of her.. :)

Now back to my dream. She was laying down on her bed at first, with crumpled face. But then she receive a call, informing that my big brother had an accident, so she jumped to life instantly and get dressed.

Maybe I just miss her too much. Hope its not bad omen or something..