a blog dedicated as a dump place for my crazy thoughts, inner feelings, babbling and nonsense. In other word, my secret garden.. :)

A place where I can live, breathe, talk and see

SMUNIX Surabaya

Wednesday, February 28, 2007 by kivaa

The students of SMUNIX is like the black sheep of the great block of most prestigious schools in Surabaya. It's just seems like it's been misplaced somehow, and it doesn't meant nor supposed to be there. There's nothing we can proud of as a school member. We're not as smart as the students of SMU 5; we're not as flashy and rich nor glam as the students of SMUN 2 & 1; we're just us, the not so special students of SMUNIX, who merely known for the bad habit of starting an inter-school fight. I've never be proud of my highschool. But everything just came back to me now. After saw an old highschool pal on a tv show, introduced as Kris Intellects-- whatever that means. And then I saw one more as a tv news anchor, and another one as a talkshow home-band singer. It's like a series of .. Well.. Coincidences. And I thought, maybe this is it. I finally came to understand what makes my highschool so special and actually deserves a place in the prestigious block. We're not bunch of losers after all. We can be somebody. And ducks can be turned to swans somehow. Not like it matters now.. But strangely enough, it does..

The Greener Grass of the Other Side

Sunday, February 25, 2007 by kivaa

I just back from my parent's collague's son wedding. The short CV for the groom is, handsome (ex Abang Jakarta), come from a respectively wealthy family (due to his father's high position), have a very good future (he works for Slumbersea). Bottomline, the perfect bloodline, perfect future. And the wife, as we might already predict, is equally perfect. Perfectly beautiful (ex None Jakarta), with bling2 tv career as a news anchor girl or something. Life couldn't have been more perfect for the lucky couple. Some people are born like that. Things are served in silver plate. Shoveled to their beautiful mouths. Things that for some other people can only dream and drooled on.. I've to admit, for a while I feel a sheer jealousy. But now as I came to think of it, I still am very much blessed, and have to be (really) grateful for what God has given me.. The bride and groom can appear to be as perfect as they wanted to, but we never knew what's under the surface, and we can only assume.

As India Arie would say in her song, "..it's all about perception, and the paradise is in your mind.."

Housewife? no way!!

Thursday, February 22, 2007 by kivaa

I used to dream about being of housewife of a succesfull husband.. But now, on a second thought, I will NEVER be a housewife no matter what. Men these days are unbelievable. In the most negative way possible. They're like, don't have any respect for their wives anymore, especially when they already have a lot of money and feel like he can buy the world.. And by not working, we're stripped out of our political and economical power. And what happened if we need money to help our parents/family? Or to splurge on something just to know that we can afford those? Or just to share it with others in need? We might not be THAT lucky to found a spouse that's really understanding.. I'm talking reality here. We always wanted to found our soulmate, someone who's perfect for us in everyway.. We wanted everything to be perfectly romantic like in the movies.. But there are girls who'd have to face the hard fact that love just don't don't come easy. And a sweet, romantic, kind, rich, faithful, handsome, smart guys don't just go wandering around everywhere like alley cats. We need to work hard for that love. And if everything don't go right, we might need a divorce. And a lady divorcee, with no job, no money and a lot of kids equals disaster.. Or we might ended up gone ballistic and just keep swallowing our anger, up to the point that it'd kill us. Or before we kill our spouse.. ;-) Kidding..! Anyway, I hope I'll never be a pure housewife, or if I really have, God please give me an almost perfect (because nobody's perfect..) husband.. ;-)

Love and Marriage (II)

by kivaa

We've been together for 2.5 years now.. We already have a joint account for our mutual future needs (i.e marriage) although we haven't really plan to be married in the near future.
And however close we are as a couple, when it comes to money, I just realise that we're not as trusting and cooperative to each other as I thought we were.. It shocked me a bit. And I just remember an old saying that even our husbands/wives are never will be an actual part of our family. Because blood is thicker than anything else, and family is more important than a spouse. It would be great if our spouse can actually understands us, and our family. But if they can't, then it's a great shame.. Therefore an Indonesian marriage is more complicated than others, simply because when we are married to someone it means that we're marrying the whole family. And as I grew older and (hopefully) come closer to that stage of life (marriage), I realized how true every old saying is..

A spouse is just a spouse, a mere way to have an offspring. But in God's eye even our family means nothing, except for an obedient child who'll pray to Allah for forgiveness of our sins.. That's why I always wanted a child, children.. As my love-bite mark to the world, and to pray for my forgiveness when I die.

There's also one old saying that I don't like, but it's always on my mind because it might be true.. That we could never love our parents as much as they love us.. And the same thing for us and our children. It's a shame because I really love my parents and hopefully I can repay their love and kindness someday.. Which I knew I'll never can...

POSITIVITY

Wednesday, February 21, 2007 by kivaa

This new year's resolution (Imlek that is.., even though I'm not celebrating it but this year the energy is very strong) is to flow positive energy as much as possible into my life. Last year I've been talking too much, obsessed with something that I don't really want, confused and hopeless.. So for this year I'm not after the material goal, instead I'm going to work on my personality and way of life. It will look like a (material) set back, which actually is a (spiritual) fast track advancement. This year I really wanted to focus, have a clear goal and start to work my plan and aiming from there. This year I will also have a positive attitude towards everything, and I'll be grateful for every blessings Allah has given to my life. I wanted to be closer to Allah, I wanted to share my happiness with others. I wanted to be kind to create a good karma. It sounds easy, but trust me, it's not. As a start, whatever job I'll ended up with next month, I'll try to be grateful and make the best out of it.. Believing that it's Allah's way to show me which the best path to go. Trying to accept that however bad it looked for now, I'll come to realize that IT IS the best option.. Amen.

and I thank God for Mobile Blogging..

Thursday, February 15, 2007 by kivaa

always like writing. And somehow my un-published, un-socialized blog has been the very place, online, inside the www, highly accessible and yet unknown to the world, where I can actually live and breathe. My secret garden, away from the world. And it brought up the second question, which is why exactly did you put it in the www? A secret garden supposed to be, well.. Secret. I might as well just wrote a diary, in a notebook, if you really don't want to share it to the rest of the world. Well, honestly I don't have an answer to that..

ANYWAY ..

Before I know mobile blogging, blogging would a once-a-month-if-I-can-remember activity. A place to post an opinion abt highly disturbing issues. But now thanks to my dearest E70, blogger.com and the internet-- my blog has literally turned into a friend.. A silent friend who would listen to my crap (obviously) and in the long term I think it would give a positive tribute to my mental health.. ---- it's desperate, I know.. :-(

alhamdulillaahirabbil 'aalamiin

by kivaa

We'll never be happy if we don't stop for a while, count our blessings and be grateful for that.. I ran amock and confused with desperation and fear for something that's not really there, when I should be smiling and count my blessings.. *sigh* after all I'm only human.. All praise for Allah, Lord of the Universe ..

the future

Wednesday, February 14, 2007 by kivaa

I wanted a career.. I wanted to be a Senior Manager in some flashy company, highly overpaid to do the things that I've a great passion with, the things i love most.. I want soul serenity balanced with all the best in life's happiness..

Have i done a mistake?
Have i took the wrong and mislead pathways along the line?
A dear friend's right, I need a target.
I need a goal.


Probably 15million Indonesian salary before i hit 30?
And my own company before i hit 35?
And make it a huge success before i hit 40?
And what if i failed?


......





Shit.

I don't know.

We just have to find out, and stick to the plan..

So... Whatever it is to come, just face it with a smile. We made plans, but destiny's giving it a turn.. And we have to turn, or we'll be frustrated and go crazy. Don't try to fight it, but just go with the flow.. And make the best out of the turn.. I might be unhappy ended up working in a consultant -- something i dread and avoid since graduation. But now here i am..

Let's just make the best out of this journey. And always remember to give the best out of you. Don't ever be lazy because life's hard, and it will need a lot of power, strength and persistence. Simply be the best, and work hard. God help me to be the best in whatever i do, give me the power to be strong and persistent. Give me the courage to fight, and please give me the light and accompany me along the way.. Amen. Whatever happened during my 1year and 11month of service in this company is precious, and i will treasure it all my life. It's a worthy experience, and i think in a way God is preparing me for a bright future.. :)

G E L A P

Sunday, February 04, 2007 by kivaa

Titik titik keraguan mulai muncul, guratan kekecewaan sesekali tampak, ular ketidakpercayaan mulai menyusup masuk.. Tanda tanya, cemburu, gelisah, tak ada penjelasan, sedih, perubahan sikap, pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang tidak terjawab dan mulai melekat di hati, membusuk, menggerogoti..

Sebenarnya apa yang terjadi?


Ketika hati mulai menghitam dengan keraguan dan ketidakpercayaan, mataku nyalang mencoba mencari-cari kebenaran.. tangan dan kakiku menggapai-gapai kejujuran.. hidungku mencoba menangkap aroma kepastian.. telingaku ingin mendengar jawaban..

Tapi tidak ada yang muncul.





......





Apa yang akan terjadi?

Family Ties

by kivaa

I looked up to my Mother. I think she’s a very graceful lady, strong, powerful, a natural leader, yet very social and likable. I always wanted to be like her. She’s (originally) not very pretty. But she’s attractive, and only with a light (but right) make up, it can lighten up her face and make her looked very pretty.

I liked watching her doing make up. I like to see her face changes, and when she already fully dressed, seeing how graceful she is, and I always thought, will I ever be like her?

I then looked at the mirror, and thinks, how ugly I am. I’ll never be as graceful, as social, and as likable as she. I’ll never get to be a natural leader like her because I’m too shy. I was more like my Father, physically and personally, but not as smart.

My Mother has all the EQ, and my Father has his high IQ. They’re a perfect match, though naturally very different in so many ways. But I inherited none of the good things.
I’m a mixed of the entire negative thing my parents has. Well, I’m not always THIS negative, but that thought came to my mind pretty often.

As a child I was in the verge of abnormally-quiet. I’m so shy and quiet, I didn’t even say a word when I realized that there’s a cockroach, just died because I stepped on it (obviously!), inside my shoe. And I carry that cockroach in my shoe all day in school, hoping that nobody would realize the strange smell coming out of my shoe..

But as I grew up I have more friends, and I became less neither shy nor quiet. And soon after I graduated, I’ve my first serious relationship (not just a fling or a desperate attempt to have one although we both know it’s not possible..), and I feel my confidence escalated. Not too high, but enough to learn about all the social skill required. And then I get to know make up. I mean not just knowing, but really KNOW. Well, not 100% knowing, but enough. I learn that I too can look pretty. And I too can be as graceful as my Mother. I think that’s my turning point. In fact, I think I inherited my Mother’s gracefulness. And how my face can also be lighten up by using the right make-up, and my strength and power. I’m not as social and likable as her, but I’m still happy with who I am, and I have my good friends to support me. And I know I’m not a natural leader like her, but as my career grew higher I think I can learn about being a leader along the way. And right at this point, I can look back and see how I grew up, and I really appreciate the process. And the most important thing is that I can make my parents proud of me.

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